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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I be concerned about my husband?

25 replies

SophieD1987 · 10/06/2023 15:20

Hi everyone,
I just wondered what you thought about my husband’s behaviour.

I suggested that I get the paddling pool out at about 4pm/4.30pm when we have a mix of shade and sun in our back garden today. My husband said no because he says it’s too hot today for our 5-year-old to be outside.

Instead of going to a park today I went to an indoor play centre as I knew my husband wouldn’t want my son out in the sun (even with factor 50 suncream and a hat!)

Last year he totally freaked out when I took our son to the beach with a beach tent, wearing factor 50 and in a hat on a hot day like today. So I knew he’d react like that today. When we went to the beach last year he told me I was an irresponsible parent. Our son didn’t get sun burnt or heat stroke then because I was careful and we still had fun at the beach.

Is my husband being unreasonable?

He also told me a strap top I chose to wear today looked like a pyjama top and was inappropriate and also said a jumpsuit I was wearing was a bit of a low at the front yesterday.

For years he has refused to ever let me drive him anywhere but he’s ok with everyone else driving him. Bear in mind I have never had or been involved in a crash ever. I do drive on my own just not with him.

Should I be concerned about this, are these normal relationship issues or concerns?

OP posts:
TragicMuse · 10/06/2023 15:23

Not normal at all. In any way.

I'm guessing he is controlling in other ways but that you haven't identified as controlling yet...

Rightiothen13 · 10/06/2023 15:23

Any history of skin cancer in family?

my ex like this. And given he’s had skin cancer, I “comply” even when sometimes I’m think WTF

Rightiothen13 · 10/06/2023 15:24

But your op covers child safety, driving and inappropriate clothing. A lot to unpick

Zarataralara · 10/06/2023 15:38

If there’s been a skin cancer issue somewhere in his or your families I can understand his anxiety but you’re handling the risk sensibly.
His comments regarding your clothes sound controlling and not letting you drive him just weird. does he drive?

Original poster
SophieD1987 · 10/06/2023 15:52

Rightiothen13 · 10/06/2023 15:23

Any history of skin cancer in family?

my ex like this. And given he’s had skin cancer, I “comply” even when sometimes I’m think WTF

No skin cancer in the family x

OP posts:
Original poster
SophieD1987 · 10/06/2023 15:59

Yes he drives x

OP posts:
Original poster
SophieD1987 · 10/06/2023 15:59

Zarataralara · 10/06/2023 15:38

If there’s been a skin cancer issue somewhere in his or your families I can understand his anxiety but you’re handling the risk sensibly.
His comments regarding your clothes sound controlling and not letting you drive him just weird. does he drive?

Yes he drives x

OP posts:
Rightiothen13 · 10/06/2023 16:00

the comments re your clothing… has he ever said in the past? A pattern? Or came as a surprise to you?

Screamingabdabz · 10/06/2023 16:01

TragicMuse · 10/06/2023 15:23

Not normal at all. In any way.

I'm guessing he is controlling in other ways but that you haven't identified as controlling yet...

This. If you told him it’s none of his business what you chose to wear what would he say?

Original poster
SophieD1987 · 10/06/2023 16:06

Screamingabdabz · 10/06/2023 16:01

This. If you told him it’s none of his business what you chose to wear what would he say?

Show quote history

He said people might thinking wrongly about me and I said I don’t care what people think, he said maybe I should!

OP posts:
Rightiothen13 · 10/06/2023 16:16

First time In years he ever commented?

Rainbowsandfairies · 10/06/2023 16:20

He doesn't sound great thanks. He sounds very controlling xx

GCalltheway · 10/06/2023 16:22

He is crazy, and depriving your child of a happy summer experience with overly anxious behaviour. Go to any park or beach and see thousands of little kids enjoying the good weather.

Original poster
SophieD1987 · 10/06/2023 16:23

Rightiothen13 · 10/06/2023 16:16

First time In years he ever commented?

I don’t really remember him commenting other than occasionally.

OP posts:
Rightiothen13 · 10/06/2023 16:25

ok he’s OTT about the sun and his very young son.

He’s made a couple of rude comments regarding your clothing over a number of years

and he prefers to drive when in the car with you.

I mean… I wouldn’t say it’s the worst relationship thread I have read

GCalltheway · 10/06/2023 16:33

It is a controlling relationship.

Bluebells1970 · 10/06/2023 16:39

DH likes me to wear red lipstick, paint my nails red and have a full face of make up/hair done. I think I last did so on our wedding day 30 years ago.

Just because he likes it doesn't mean he gets to dictate it. Or that I have to do it.

Kids need to be outside, it's England on a warm sunny day. Not the australian outback. If he's got a hat/sunscreen it's perfectly OK. Why are you giving in to such silly demands?

EarthSight · 10/06/2023 16:51

I think he has anxiety issues, or he's deliberately contradicting you in order to make out that you are irresponsible.

Has he always been like this? If it's sudden behaviour I'd be more concerned that it's being triggered by something else.

I think it's interesting that he's fine with everyone else driving him around, but not you. Unless you are known for speeding or driving recklessly, then it comes across that The Big Man doesn't want people to see his little woman driving him around as this would emasculate him. The car is the symbol of the relationship for some men, and that's why they always want to be seen in the driving seat as they want to signal to everyone who is the boss in your relationship. If he's always been like that, I don't think there is much you can do.

Anxious people are more fearful and they do try to control their environments more, which extends to the people around them.

This won't be the last hot summer and it's important that your son gets used to some degree to this hot weather as we'll no doubt see more in future. The most important thing is that he's wearing a sun hat, has his factor 50 on, is drinking water frequently, feels well in the heat and knows to tell you if he isn't feeling well.

frozendaisy · 10/06/2023 18:12

I would keep a child out of midday sun whilst the UV is Very high (metoffice scale).

But after 4pm .......I would show him UV on met office website once it gets down to 4 it should be fine with a bit of suntan lotion on.

I would enjoy not having to drive him around

And tell him to screw himself you will wear what you like thank you very much.

A more general comment would be to tell him to stop trying to control everything you do it's boring and repressive. Fine discuss but barking orders no thanks

SunflowerTed · 10/06/2023 18:14

SophieD1987 · 10/06/2023 15:20

Hi everyone,
I just wondered what you thought about my husband’s behaviour.

I suggested that I get the paddling pool out at about 4pm/4.30pm when we have a mix of shade and sun in our back garden today. My husband said no because he says it’s too hot today for our 5-year-old to be outside.

Instead of going to a park today I went to an indoor play centre as I knew my husband wouldn’t want my son out in the sun (even with factor 50 suncream and a hat!)

Last year he totally freaked out when I took our son to the beach with a beach tent, wearing factor 50 and in a hat on a hot day like today. So I knew he’d react like that today. When we went to the beach last year he told me I was an irresponsible parent. Our son didn’t get sun burnt or heat stroke then because I was careful and we still had fun at the beach.

Is my husband being unreasonable?

He also told me a strap top I chose to wear today looked like a pyjama top and was inappropriate and also said a jumpsuit I was wearing was a bit of a low at the front yesterday.

For years he has refused to ever let me drive him anywhere but he’s ok with everyone else driving him. Bear in mind I have never had or been involved in a crash ever. I do drive on my own just not with him.

Should I be concerned about this, are these normal relationship issues or concerns?

Do you really need to ask?

Henbags · 10/06/2023 18:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

doitwithlove · 10/06/2023 18:52

He would be getting the HEAVE HO, OFF YOU GO from me ...... too controlling.

snowlady4 · 10/06/2023 18:57

These would concern me massively if it were me.
Does he make you happy?

Original poster
SophieD1987 · 10/06/2023 20:43

snowlady4 · 10/06/2023 18:57

These would concern me massively if it were me.
Does he make you happy?

I do love him but some of his behaviour is driving me potty!

I used to love the summer but I fear that with my husband I will never be able to enjoy it with my son as my husband would never let him out in the sunshine once it hits 25 degrees.

But I’m also nervous about turning my life (and our son’s) upside down as we’ve been married 10 years.

OP posts:
snowlady4 · 10/06/2023 21:10

SophieD1987 · 10/06/2023 20:43

I do love him but some of his behaviour is driving me potty!

I used to love the summer but I fear that with my husband I will never be able to enjoy it with my son as my husband would never let him out in the sunshine once it hits 25 degrees.

But I’m also nervous about turning my life (and our son’s) upside down as we’ve been married 10 years.

Show quote history

I think that loving someone is very different than if they make you happy though. Nobody on here can answer it for you. If he makes you HAPPY, despite his behaviour, it's worth figuring things out, if his behaviour is actually making you unhappy in life, you might need to reconsider what you're doing.

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