Help me understand my wife

[82w]

Morning,

I'm looking for some help understanding my wife's behaviour and maybe writing it all down like this will help me understand it too.

She rarely buys one of anything she needs to buy in bulk, this could be the 5 tubes of toothpaste we have in the cupboard, or it could be the 12! bottles of Ribena.

We very often have to throw out food because we cannot eat it all before the use by date and we don't have room in the freezer.

If I even suggest maybe ordering less she gets annoyed and says something like I can't do anything right, why don't you do it in future etc. I do tell her that I'm very grateful and appreciate it. She knows but says she can't help it, "you know what I'm like".

She does suffer from anxiety for which she takes medication. When I ask what causes the anxiety she says she doesn't know.

She'll also admit she has an unhealthy relationship with food and will eat too much but she enjoys it. She's now overweight and feels fat.

It isn't only food though that she over orders, I work from home and almost every day we'll get at least one parcel arrive, it could quite often be 3 in a day. We are getting ready for our summer holiday and in the cupboard we have have no fewer than 13 travel plugs however another 4 arrived this week. Where we are going they use british plugs.

I guess she feels sad for some unknown reason, well unknown to me, I'm not sure if she knows, and maybe buying food and stuff from amazon that we don't need makes her happy?

I do really want to understand and support and help her if I can.

Any advice?

A few years ago I started getting into the habit of buying extra stuff on my online food orders.

I liked always having an item in stock when we ran out of anything, rather than having to do without until the next delivery. Occasionally I would forget what we had and it may be we ended with 3 or 4 bottles of mayonnaise instead of 2.

My husband would joke about it and ask if it was in the ‘shop’ alluding to the extra cupboard I had started using, or mention the coffee mountain because there were 3tins of coffee.

We have never had to throw things away and I’ve never had a stockpile of 12 of anything. It also meant that I had enough of an item to last until the next time that item was on offer. Overall I’ve saved money.

This maybe what your wife is trying to achieve, but it has just got away from her.

If overall it’s not a massive amount of money being wasted in your budget you could let it go. Or perhaps you could set up somekind of shopping list or find an app that would help her remember what she has already bought.

Im older and just rely on my memory and sometimes I get it in my head that I noticed we were short of ketchup, so I end up ordering ketchup on two successive shops.

Try suggesting therapy by all means, but it didn’t sound from your post that that would go down well.

My husband is the one in our family with constant Amazon orders, and I agree that’s a dopamine hit, rather than building up food stocks which is more about relieving stress/anxiety.

Over eating is probably a dopamine hit as well.

So three different behaviours for two different reasons possibly?

Is she a generally anxious person OP? I wonder if she gets over anxious then tries to prepare - the food and travel adaptors being examples. Maybe she had a comfortable upbringing but I understand if people experience some loss of their stuff at one time (like moving house and everything being chucked out by an adult when the child still wanted it, or in a fire fro example) can really affect someone and make them gather as much stuff as possible. It will be difficult to uncover and I think you'll professional help though. Perso

Comparing notes with a friend, we both forget how much mayonnaise we already have. Tartare sauce is another overbuy. DH has a fairly dear toothpaste so I bought a couple each time it was on offer. Stopped for now as found ten in his cupboard...

I had 4 jars of turmeric in my cupboard earlier this year because I kept thinking - ooh we need turmeric.

That's not really what the OP is talking about though. They now have 17 travel plugs and more travel bags than they'll ever use.

Mayo and ketchup will get used at some point (as did my turmeric).

I used bulk buying as a strategy to reduce mental load at times in my life when I was over stretched and exhausted.

If you haven’t run a household, juggled dc’s schedules, been the person who is expected to remember blood types, medical info, friends names, good preferences … that’s only the tip of the ice berg, then it’s very hard to understand how exhausting it can be.

Dh and I don’t nit pick each others areas of responsibility - neither of us do everything perfectly. We make mistakes. We trust that we’re both doing our best. Mostly because we don’t want to take on each others jobs 😂

The plug example is bizarre but some of the other things you’ve said paint a picture of someone short cutting decisions and their partner being critical but not actually being helpful.

Before looking for a psychological explanation I’d look at the basics - more rest, less stress, back off with the constructive criticism for a while, take over some responsibility (eg could you take over the laundry/ clothes sorting/mending/replacing/ remembering kids sizes… or another set of related responsibilities)

Thanks again all, I'll have a very careful read when I get back home this evening. This is all so helpful and I really appreciate the time you've taken out your day to help me.

I think she likes being the home maker, I think it makes her feel valuable and maybe makes her feel like she has a purpose.

She does have a manic job, she is front line NHS but works part time to get a better balance. I don't think it's specifically the job which is causing it.

We share the chores around the house 50/50 and I do most of the picks ups and drop offs. She's said she finds cleaning therapeutic.

I've got hoarding tendencies, it's from childhood, putting the family first , now I can treat myself I've gone nuts . HB is the same , he's buys lots of tools and stockpiles food and medicine . We have managed to have a clear-out for charity and are trying hard not to over buy . It
definitely has its roots in poverty and anxious not having enough

Was she from a poor family? Maybe not being able to afford things when younger has caused this?

Your wife has OCD and is hoarding I think.

I currently have 18 sticks of deodorant in my bathroom, 5 industrial wash liquids, 5 huge tubs of vanish and fabric conditioner in the garage, a 24 multipack of razors (partner has a beard!) And a cupboard full (around 50 boxes) of teething powders! Don't get me wrong this is all useful stuff and will be used, but I get where you're coming from. Storage is always an issue too. My partner says he gets "neurotic" not a well off upbringing but not poor, never really wanted for anything, but he has a fear of running out of things and bulk buys more when he's anxious or feeling out of control (recently due to us having a baby, he did exactly the same when our eldest was born). Anxiety and control or lack of often go hand in hand, is it worth suggesting some counselling/CBT intervention alongside her medication?

Well I like bulk buying because I find shopping a chore and it means I don’t have to do it again for a while. Why buy one block of butter when you can buy 4 and not do it again for a month. Ditto everything else.

but I’m not a hoarder and I don’t buy unnecessary stuff at all and it doesn’t go unused.

So I’m only saying that as it could be an insight into why she stocks up?