How to trust another man

[Startingover2023]

Im divorced due to my ex husband being unfaithful to me for years. I had no clue, there were no red flags and everyone was shocked as he didn't seem to the type to be like that.

Fast forward to now, I've been dating a lovely guy for 6 months. However, I do not trust him 100% and feel like I'll never fully trust another man again. There is no reason or signs for me to not trust him, it's not him, it's me! I feel like I could be remarried for years and still never fully trust another person again but really dislike being like this. I'm always subconsciously on the 'lookout' for signs of him cheating. Has this happened to anyone else, how do you get past it? Is it just a matter of time? (This is my first relationship since my divorce). I don't want to mess up what I've got by being insecure

I don't think you ever get over it. It's like grief, you find coping mechanisms. When you find yourself having insecure thoughts you need to distract yourself. I've heard CBT is very good.

You never will and thank god and good old anxiety for that.

Your body and mind is now programmed to be this way because that pain you felt was real.

Your mind is basically saying “don’t let yourself be too vulnerable, enjoy this man, enjoy his heart but don’t give your everything like you did before. Trust me 100% not him”.. and it’s doing it to protect you, let it ❤️

You know, in a sense you can never 100% trust anyone. I don’t trust myself 100% (nor so much around fidelity but as to whether I would do the right thing rather than the easy thing in a tricky situation) and I control what I do.

Also - there’s no shortcut with trust. It has to be earned. That doesn’t mean that you become controlling and suspicious. It just means that you must always maintain a level of independence from your partner - that way, if you get badly let down you still have something left. That should apply throughout any relationship. That’s why it always spooks me to hear about people who can’t spend a night away from their partner - like they’ve become one person and can’t function independently.

You SHOULDN’t trust anyone 100%. Or even 51%, specially a man 🤣.

Know yourself, trust yourself, know your worth, don’t become dependent on a man, know that you can leave - and leave if it get’s bad.

I fon’t know if this makes sense, but I’ll try:
yes, your ex treated you bad, BUT, you made it through (even if it was not graceful) THAT is the part that matters. Take it as a strenght.
Remember that.
So you can make it (again).

I sort of agree with PPs, but also sort of don't

Trust isn't a 'once and done' thing. It grows. The importance of self-trust and self-love is that there's no need to dive in head-first to perfect trust all at once. You can allow people to ufold and still know you can walk away.

Even if you throw yourself into 100 per cent trust, if you have your own back, you will know you can walk away - with pain but not soul destruction - if that trust is misplaced.

also - if you don't trust yourself to have your own back, you will project that lack of trust onto everyone else.

Real trust is all about self trust.

I was married for 23 years and divorced my ex dipped to him having an affair for months. I was sure that I’d never trust another man again, but now I’m happily married and trust him 100%.
I think in your situation 6 months is still quite new and trust needs to be built. Explain to you BF how you are feeling, emphasising your trust issues and why he must be completely honest with you. You will learn to trust again and remember all men are not the same.

Thanks, all these responses are so helpful. I very much am independent now and will never rely on a man again so am good in that area. Hopefully the trust will build and insecurities lessen as time goes on. Just a pity that I feel I've lost the innocent pure trust I had for people before...