50/50 childcare post separation kids not happy, can I do anything? Please help!

[NotReallySure]

Hi, so I'm a year post separation, 7 months post moving out. Ex insisting on 50/50 childcare. I've suggested that I have the kids slightly more, talking about one extra night across the fortnight to break up a longer stint at his. For context I massively reduced my hours when we had kids (only 1 day a week, casual, for about 5 years, now 3 days a week) to provide childcare and this consider myself the "main career", although ex has never been a hands off dad. Ex was emotionally abusive to me, occasionally physically (not major stuff, all "under the radar") and I left as his behaviour towards me was worsening and upsetting the kids. Nothing provable whatsoever. He's said 50/50 unless ordered by court not to, regardless of how the children feel. For ages my youngest (4) was crying and not wanting to go, my eldest (7) seems less upset but prefers being with me. Youngest doesn't cry anymore but if she sees me she gets upset, wants to come with me, doesn't want to be with Dad as he shouts at her. He apparently tells her this behaviour is "selfish" and gets angry with her (we live in the same town, they quite happily see him and say hi when staying with me so I'm happy for them to knock on his door, say hi etc). What can I do. I can't prove abuse, he's threatened to say I've abused him and the kids if I say anything. My children are unhappy and I can't even tell them they can see me whenever they want because they can't. He wouldn't hurt them physically but mentally it must be damaging them, but what can I do? Any advice or anyone dealt with similar? Lawyer says only option is go through court but that's not recommended as can't prove anything so unsure how it will pan out. Thanks for reading

you could go the route he suggested - i.e. via a court. He can no more prove his made-up abuse than you can prove his actual abuse, but the kids will talk and court is unlikely to force them to spend more time with their dad against their will

You've already had advice from a solicitor so I'm not sure what else you can do. Court is the only route if you're both so adamant on sticking your your desired arrangements
You have from now until you reach court to start logging every incident of abuse or intimidation. Record all telephone calls, face-to-face interactions (voice recorder on your phone), save all texts then you'll have the evidence you need, together with your DC's views, which will hopefully be taken into consideration

Courts like 50/50 care these days. Your only option is to go through the courts if you don't like the idea. I split with my husband in 2018 and we have 50/50 but we both wanted more.

Sorry you're in this position. It really is shit. My kids like the arrangement now though x

Thanks everyone, nice to hear your kids like it now @Jomummy1013 . Mine seemed to be warming to it but now they're obviously struggling with it and I feel helpless. He's not cooperating with anything else so we'll probably end up having to do everything through the court. I just wanted to keep things civil for the kids but he just can't put anyone before himself. If they were happy I'd accept 50/50 as I know that's what generally happens. Thanks for the support x

Yeah, I have a log of all events, and I have considered that the kids would talk I just hoped to keep them out of it. X

Since he is emotionally abusive and therefore doubtless a 'controller', the worst thing you can do is let him know you want more than 50:50.

but you can influence him to give you more than that.

Be sure ot spend your time without the children doing lots of enjoyable things. Don't mention them to him, but put them on your social media. Be seen around town having fun. Take up hobbies you couldn't do when you had kids. Put those on social media too.

Watch him start wriggling out of having the kids.

I like your idea @ChristmasFluff , sadly he's blocked me from all social media 🙄 I'm making the most of child free time though and having some adventures, nothing else for it!

I do feel for you, for me it was a brutal time, ex tried to cite me as a bad mother, tried to make out lots of things. It was a horrible time. Really he was the one who was being manipulative and narcissistic, it made me ill. My kids went through hell. But it's ok now, and the arrangement works. I hope your situation resolves itself and it doesn't get as awful as you think it may xx

Start another relationship (or pretend to) which will guarantee he won't be able to have the kids any more!

@NotReallySure Yeah, I have a log of all events, and I have considered that the kids would talk I just hoped to keep them out of it. X

Ive been through court with my ex in 2018. Cafcass speak to the kids and write a report based on what they say. Both of my kids said they wanted to see their dad (ss had previously told me to stop all contact, which I did, but then told him if he wanted to see the kids he’d have to take me to court 🙄)
1st they expect you to go to mediation and if that can’t sort the issue then you go to court.
My ex was abusive throughout our 10 year relationship. I had all our previous texts and messages off Facebook as evidence, because I had never reported it (he was never physically violent, just emotionally and financially). I also went to a dv centre and took a course with them so I had that as proof also.
My ex was also an alcoholic and was using coke, so the courts wanted to drug test him on a monthly basis.
He started getting abusive towards the court and my solicitor, sending them threatening emails etc. Then he just didn’t show up to court, emailed them to say he wasn’t going to get anywhere as the courts favour the mums…
In his absence the judge granted no access (no phone calls, letters, emails). And said if he ever applied in future he would have to do everything that had been asked of him in the previous orders. So far, after 5 years, he hasn’t bothered. I can only assume that he is still drinking/taking drugs.
If you’re not happy, and the kids aren’t happy, then I’d definitely recommend that you go through the courts on this

If week on week off is too much switch to a 2/2/5 type schedule. One parent has every Mon./Tues., the other parent every Wed./Thurs. then alternate every other Fri.- Sun.