How to resolve the communication mismatch?

[ChunPlum]

I've been with DP about a year, but knew him as a friend for a long time before that, just to give context that I'm confident he is overall a good person and cares about me.

My issue is that although I know his loves me/fancies me/cares about me/etc, because I know HIM and have known him so well and for so long, but he's not very expressive? I don't know how to describe it, but he's very self sufficient, so it seems to be that he treats me much how he would be okay with being treated.

I'm not sure I'm explaining this well, but a few examples: when he's stressed with work I try and support and encourage him, give him the space he wants...when I'm busy he gives me space (what he would want), but I don't get the support and encouragement I want. I tell him how good he looks, flirt with him, etc - he probably wouldn't notice if I didn't do it, and so I don't get any of that in return really. He dislikes talking on the phone a lot, so if he gets big news I don't call him and just stick with messaging. On the other hand, I would like a spontaneous phonecall to celebrate or check in. He'll absolutely support me or celebrate with me, just not in the way that I would want, I suppose?

I'd really like to work this out, as we've got so much going for us otherwise, but I know that although they seem like little things individually, over the years they would wear me down.

Hopeful for anyone's advice or experiences with similar relationships!

My experience is that most men are like this and the ones who aren't tend to be too emotional and soft, masculine energy men are practical. If you have a talk with him he might make an effort initially but truly, this is how he and most men are therefore I would adjust your expectations of him, accept how he is and lean on to other women, web forums or therapist for the chats and emotional support. If you can't accept it and cope with it, then I would cut your losses.
There is never a perfect partner the question is what would you compromise on.

I don’t think he is doing anything wrong, so this seems to me more of a case of you want to change who he is, change his personality. I think it is unrealistic, if you don’t like him the way he is then this is going nowhere.

@Aprilx I am absolutely not trying to change who is, I think he's amazing! I think it's just a different style/different needs, and I try to meet his needs with communication, but I think I deserve some of mine met too.

Just not sure how to go about it all and what is a reasonable compromise to reach? Or whether I can expect a compromise to actually work long term? So looking for advice/experiences.

What does he think about the issue?

@Watchkeys I'm not 100% sure. We've talked a little about it, kind of generally, but I'm trying to get my thoughts together about it myself before I bring it up with him more seriously.

I'm afraid that if you're needing to consult a forum about how to talk to your partner about not being able to communicate with your partner, it doesn't look good.

Healthy relationships are founded on compatible communication styles. I'm sure he's lovely, but do you think that means you're compatible? Are you compatible with all the nice people?

In a healthy relationship, you'd simply be able to say to him 'Sometimes I'm not getting what I need, so I'll explain to you what I need: x, y, and z. Do you think that's something we can incorporate into our relationship?'

What's made you come here instead of going to him and saying something along those lines? It's not really feeling that your thoughts aren't 'in order', because you've explained it to us pretty succinctly.

Well, my last relationship before this was abusive, and I lost a lot of confidence in myself during that. If I had said to my ex that I wasn't getting something I needed or wasn't happy with something, the response would have been pretty bad - that I was unreasonable or abnormal, no other women wanted these things, ignoring me completely, punishing me in lots of little ways!

While I've managed to pick myself back up again in a lot of ways, I still worry that I'm going to ask for something and the answers is going to be like that. Even though I know logically my DP would never do that! But my first thought it often that there must be something wrong with me, not to be happy with how things are.

So I suppose, what has made me come here first is just...trying to figure out if I'm being unreasonable? Hoping to hear about people's experiences of this kind of situation in a healthy relationship?

It's my biggest negative about my marriage and we've been together 18 years. I have to remind myself a lot about the good things that are so important: loyalty, fidelity, integrity, support, general good humour, etc and I accept that we don't communicate in the way I'd like to, like I would with a soul mate. We kind of muddle through with some cracking misunderstandings at times but the core values remain. I guess I am learning all the time about when it's helpful for me to push for better communication and when it's better to let things go. Weigh up everything and work out how you can try to encourage better communication when it matters to you most.

Feelings can't be unreasonable, because they're not meant to be reasonable. It's like saying 'It's raining. Is the weather being reasonable?'

Our feelings are a representation of ourselves. They are who we are. And that's that. If someone doesn't like/understand/have time for them, then those are not our people.

There are 2 things we each need to do, in order to have healthy relationships: 1) Express our true feelings in a way that is respectful to us, and reject people who do not accept us. There is no judgement of the feelings. If you feel like you want to gouge their eyes out with a spoon because they changed the tv channel, that's neither good nor bad. The only thing we can judge is how we express that. So, you could go get your spoon and set to work, or you could laugh and say, 'Oh my god, I could gouge your eyes out with a spoon for that!' Same feeling, different response.

You were in an abusive relationship because when you want to say 'No, that's not fair, that's not right, that makes me feel bad/shit/small/unhappy/etc', you question and judge your feelings. If you think they're 'wrong', you silence them.

And that's what you're doing now.

Your feelings are your heart. You have to express them and they need to be accepted, or you won't be happy. It's that simple. Tell him calmly how you feel. If he loves you, he'll accommodate your needs. If he doesn't accommodate your needs, something else is more important to him than your happiness, so you'll need to leave him behind, unless you want to keep coming second to something.

Do you know about attachment styles? They come from our childhoods... we get taught by a distracted parent that if we get things wrong, they might not like/love us anymore. It's often not deliberate... parents can be distracted by demanding siblings, illness, addiction, relationship problems... I developed an anxious attachment style because my parents used to fight, so I had to put my own feelings to one side and focus on what was really important: Mum and dad, would they stay together, would they start speaking to each other again, how long would it take etc. My parents loved me, but my feelings rarely took precedence.

What was your childhood like?