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Original poster

Am I overreacting, re: sister's boyfriend?

27 replies

ViaCrucis1689 · 09/06/2023 19:29

My sister (30) is going through a divorce and is dating a colleague who is 13 years older than her, whose "crazy" wife up and kicked him out (yeah, not my business but I can't help but raise my eyebrows).

My mom is staying at her house to watch the kids (4 and nearly 2) until she finds day care, and my dad and I are going back and forth between home and her house (over 500 miles one way). I (33) have cerebral palsy, and my parents are my caregivers, so I am part of the "packaged deal" with them.

The boyfriend has been over at my sister's 3 times when I've been here, and not once has he greeted me or acknowledge my existence. I know my speech is harder to understand, but most people can understand me, but, still, I don't expect him to engage in a conversation with me.

But I am a human being, and I feel like I deserve to be treated as such. My sister must have told him about me as he knew my parents were here the first time he came over while we were here, and it'd be very odd for her not to. So I can kind of excuse the first time, but the next two, no acknowledgment?

Then, out of nowhere, yesterday, my dad said to me that he has a bad feeling about this guy. Honestly, I have felt the same way, but I didn't tell either of my parents that as I thought I was overreacting and being overly concerned that he's already met the kids (she a30nnounced the divorce 3.5 months ago). My dad isn't really the type to say something like that, so it kind of shocked me.

Am I being petty about this or am I overreacting?

OP posts:
BlahBlahBlerg · 09/06/2023 19:33

Jesus, poor kids. It’s going to be a car crash.
Appalling that he can’t even acknowledge you and at least say ‘hello’. You are not overreacting at all.
Keep everything crossed that she doesn’t get pregnant or there will be no getting rid of him.

samestyle · 09/06/2023 19:37

No you're not over reacting, he sounds very bad mannered and if you're dad hasn't got good vibes about him then there definitely something about him that isn't right.

Motnight · 09/06/2023 19:41

Have you spoken to your sister about his appalling behaviour?

Lilliflip · 09/06/2023 19:55

You are not over reacting, he must be rude AF to ignore you x

TooJoy · 09/06/2023 20:17

If your mum is there helping her then why are you and your dad going all that way too?

If your mum wants to very kindly help out then that should be enough.

The bf sounds like an idiot but tbh so does your sister.
She needs to be focusing on sorting her life out and getting childcare, not getting a new boyfriend.

ViaCrucis1689 · 09/06/2023 20:29

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

SparklyShark · 09/06/2023 20:45

Extremely rude... Was your sister there at the time?

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/06/2023 20:53

He sounds like bad news. Hopefully this relationship won’t last.

Rainbowsandfairies · 09/06/2023 21:27

You're definitely not over reacting!! I was 2 years with someone who started emotional abuse then physical abuse a few months after we met. She will really appreciate your help and the guidance ( if not immediately, in the future) xx

Aquamarine1029 · 09/06/2023 21:32

You should tell your sister exactly what you think of him. I would.

GloriousD · 09/06/2023 21:33

Does she have form for picking wrong ‘uns?

Why did her marriage breakdown?

Was she having an affair with this colleague?

V messy for such tiny children to have their family disrupted and a new male in their mothers life so quickly.

I am sorry you were treated this way - it’s disgusting - surely your DP and DS noticed - why have they not intervened?

OutdoorPillow · 09/06/2023 21:37

You’re not over-reacting. My sister has CP and my husband is one of her biggest advocates. Her speech can be a little laboured at times but the idea of anyone ignoring her, and you, makes my blood boil.

Are you close enough to your sister to tell her how you feel?

Original poster
ViaCrucis1689 · 09/06/2023 21:37

TooJoy · 09/06/2023 20:17

If your mum is there helping her then why are you and your dad going all that way too?

If your mum wants to very kindly help out then that should be enough.

The bf sounds like an idiot but tbh so does your sister.
She needs to be focusing on sorting her life out and getting childcare, not getting a new boyfriend.

First time was to go to a wedding before dropping my mom off, and my dad started on a few projects at her place. This time we had a family function relatively close to my sister's, and my dad is finishing said projects. If we hadn't had the family function, we wouldn't have come back so soon.

And my mom isn't comfortable driving long distances alone (which is kind of my dad's fault as he has always insisted on driving during their 30+ year marriage).

OP posts:
EyelessArseFace · 09/06/2023 21:55

Both you and your dad have a gut instinct that something is not right about this bloke. I'd say that you need to pay heed to that. Maybe ask your dad to talk to your mum, and see whether she's had the same feeling as you have.

As an aside - all these 'crazy' exes. I'm a bit cynical about men who talk about their former partners like that.

Alcemeg · 09/06/2023 22:02

It's an accident waiting to happen, but your sister won't see it or thank you for pointing it out.

Thank goodness your dad is on the same page.

853ax · 09/06/2023 22:08

Am I correct that you are in your sisters house he arrives in and ignores you?
That is crazy soooo bad mannered and obviously he is not in any way kind. Sure most people even acknowledge strangers if they in same room as them.
Is he nice to your parents and her children?

Original poster
ViaCrucis1689 · 09/06/2023 23:01

GloriousD · 09/06/2023 21:33

Does she have form for picking wrong ‘uns?

Why did her marriage breakdown?

Was she having an affair with this colleague?

V messy for such tiny children to have their family disrupted and a new male in their mothers life so quickly.

I am sorry you were treated this way - it’s disgusting - surely your DP and DS noticed - why have they not intervened?

She's only been with her soon-to-be ex; they started dating in high school.

She said the husband just "checked out." He owned up to it, admitting he went into a deep depression after his DS was born and was very close to being an alcoholic.

I suspect she was entering an emotional affair when the marriage ended. She says no, but the timeline doesn't quite add up.

I did tell my DM that it was very unhealthy to introduce a new guy so soon, and she took that comment well, but we're all walking on eggshells around her.

Basically, one of the first nights we were there without the kids, she told us she was going to town and never came home. By chance, I had to inform DM of that.

OP posts:
Original poster
ViaCrucis1689 · 09/06/2023 23:55

BlahBlahBlerg · 09/06/2023 19:33

Jesus, poor kids. It’s going to be a car crash.
Appalling that he can’t even acknowledge you and at least say ‘hello’. You are not overreacting at all.
Keep everything crossed that she doesn’t get pregnant or there will be no getting rid of him.

No kidding...I am most concerned about the kids. They have only been getting used to going back and forth between houses for 2 months.

Apparently, the BF has 2 teenagers, and my DS spent the weekend with them and their grandparents a couple of weeks ago. Talk about bad judgment on his part...that's way too soon even for teenagers! My DM spent one of the days with her ex and the kids and had to lie when he asked if my DS was with the boyfriend. It's so unfair to my DM.

OP posts:
Original poster
ViaCrucis1689 · 09/06/2023 23:59

853ax · 09/06/2023 22:08

Am I correct that you are in your sisters house he arrives in and ignores you?
That is crazy soooo bad mannered and obviously he is not in any way kind. Sure most people even acknowledge strangers if they in same room as them.
Is he nice to your parents and her children?

You're correct. Her neighbor came over today to help with something, and she was 1,000% more friendly to me.

From what I see, he uses a lot of flattery toward my mom and is friendly with my dad and the kids. But my dad thinks he's trying to "size my parents up."

OP posts:
cracktheshutters · 10/06/2023 08:30

This is awful to read, I always judge someone new on how I see them treat other people, sounds like your dad is the same. Your DM is probably furious but wants to keep an eye on her GC to make sure they’re ok. Not sure what on earth your sister is thinking going out and not coming home and also bringing a new man around so quickly, is she usually so selfish? As soon as any potential love interest of mine treated a member of my family (disabled or not) the way he has treated you, he’s be out the door and he’d never return.

billy1966 · 10/06/2023 08:39

Sounds like you and your dad have the measure of him, scum.

His crazy wife no doubt kicked him out because of his awful behaviour and she is delighted to be rid of him.

Poor children.

WandaWonder · 10/06/2023 08:46

Your sister have created this for her children, that should be dealt with first

LoonyLois · 10/06/2023 08:50

Has your sister noticed how he is with you? He sounds awful

Original poster
ViaCrucis1689 · 10/06/2023 18:33

cracktheshutters · 10/06/2023 08:30

This is awful to read, I always judge someone new on how I see them treat other people, sounds like your dad is the same. Your DM is probably furious but wants to keep an eye on her GC to make sure they’re ok. Not sure what on earth your sister is thinking going out and not coming home and also bringing a new man around so quickly, is she usually so selfish? As soon as any potential love interest of mine treated a member of my family (disabled or not) the way he has treated you, he’s be out the door and he’d never return.

I'm not sure what she's thinking either. I'd say she's always been a bit into herself. We never had a close relationship after elementary school. She's always been pretty critical of my parents and me, but I think her ex is the same way, like we're inferior to his side (ironic as his family isn't perfect either). I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells around her.

OP posts:
Original poster
ViaCrucis1689 · 10/06/2023 18:38

EyelessArseFace · 09/06/2023 21:55

Both you and your dad have a gut instinct that something is not right about this bloke. I'd say that you need to pay heed to that. Maybe ask your dad to talk to your mum, and see whether she's had the same feeling as you have.

As an aside - all these 'crazy' exes. I'm a bit cynical about men who talk about their former partners like that.

Yes, the "crazy" ex is a major red flag to me, especially after he was with her for at least 17 years (the age of his oldest). No one just decides to kick their SO out without a good reason. It's super rare that one party in a marriage is completely innocent when it breaks down.

OP posts:
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