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Original poster

Baby dad on lads holiday threats for court

48 replies

Babygirlmum · 09/06/2023 16:47

My ex has been threading me with court for weeks over DD I've just come across that he's on a lads holiday, what's peoples opinions, at such a time this is a big deal to me and I don't know what to think regarding court I feel he doesn't actually care less what's his game, he's put me through hell and back.

OP posts:

CantGetDecentNickname · 09/06/2023 17:27

Why are you allowing him to manipulate anything you do? You don't owe him anything and since he is not part of your life he should not know anything about it. Don't give him any information that isn't about your DD and then only things he needs to know, for example, if he comes to collect her, letting him know when she has eaten/slept etc. That is all he needs to know. Don't answer any questions about anything that isn't directly about her care, just ignore them. Keep all communications brief.

It's often suggested on MN to just give him an email address to email you about contact times with your DD and ignore anything else he says. Tell him not to contact you on the phone unless DD is with him and it is an emergency. If he ignores this simple request, he is harassing you, so block him. Make a note of the times when he has seen her and for how long.

He is highly unlikely to go to the expense and hassle of taking you to court. It is just a threat to try to control you and to make you worry. You may be wise to consider moving away and blocking him when you have. See if he bothers to try to have contact then. His behaviour is more about trying to control you than bothering with his DD. If you don't go along with his plans to unsettle you and stick to only communicating about contact times, so you're not where he wants you- scared, worried and under his control, he is likely to get bored with the whole idea of being a dad.

3girls1boy1puppy · 09/06/2023 17:35

What’s his game? I would guess that he wants to see his daughter.

Separate to that, he has also gone on a holiday. Even if he is being a dickhead towards you (and I’m sorry if he is, that’s inexcusable towards the Mother of his baby) then he is still allowed to have a separate life to you now that you are spilt up. He is allowed to go on holiday, date, have a social life, do whatever he likes in his free time. He doesn’t have to pause his whole life until the outcome of the court case.

ForeverFailing · 09/06/2023 17:45

He’s a dick, stop talking to him and let him go to court. Don’t answer the phone to him and log all calls and emails.
Him going on holiday is nothing to do with you. Yes it’s stings that he gets to swan off while you’re left with your DC but that’s the hard reality.
Concentrate on yourself and your DC for now. Stop worrying about things that haven’t happened.

Dogsitterwoes · 09/06/2023 18:01

Family courts have a huge backlog at the moment, so a 2 week holiday is neither here nor there.

He probably won't even bother.

What is it about family court that worries you?

TeenLifeMum · 09/06/2023 18:50

Court cases can be coordinated via a solicitor and email so I don’t see why he can’t go on holiday. That doesn’t mean he’s not a total dick but he’s allowed to go on holiday.

if you’re blocking visitation and over nights, a judge won’t be happy. (That doesn’t mean I don’t get it and I would hugely struggle to hand over dc to someone I thought was an arsehole but legally, he’s as much a parent as you). Get legal advice and log every time he doesn’t have contact or changes arrangements etc.

perfectcolourfound · 09/06/2023 19:23

It could be that he genuinly wants to see his daughter, in which case you can avoid the court case by coming to a reasonable arrangements for access.

Or he's just playing games to have some power over you, in which case ignmore him - he isn't going to go through the stress and cost of court if he doesn't actually want more access.

The third option is he genuinely wants access, but more than you are willing to agree to (for reasons relating to your child's welfare, not your own feelings), in which case you might want it to go to court. But in that case, mediation may be the best way.

GreyCarpet · 09/06/2023 20:25

NeverThatSerious · 09/06/2023 17:00

He sounds like a dick but I have to say, it’s completely irrelevant that he’s on holiday.

This.

DelphiniumBlue · 09/06/2023 20:27

Theunamedcat · 09/06/2023 17:24

Tell him to come see her today

This.

chezpopbang · 09/06/2023 20:33

Let him have what he's asking for within reason. Is she going to be in danger if she stays with him? Kids are often adaptable and get used to the new norm. If she isn't going to be in danger let him take her. Kids always kick up a fuss when you leave and are then fine 5 minutes later. Well my child does anyway and I live with his dad who is very involved in his up bringing. Having time together will help build the bond and he might find it's not all sweetness and light. Every child deserves a relationship with their dad.

JustGeorgie · 09/06/2023 20:39

If he's threatening court then he will have his reasons

Are you sure you aren't obstructive?

PaigeMatthews · 09/06/2023 20:41

Babygirlmum · 09/06/2023 17:24

Yes he is allowed a holiday, can never ask about DDs progress, if she's walking yet how she's getting on, absolutely anything, he's not good.

Is he being a problem for you this week? I just seems like you are enjoying the drama.

how old is the child?
how often does he see the child?

Cas112 · 09/06/2023 20:41

What has his holiday got to do with anything?

Grumpigal · 09/06/2023 20:44

Let him take you to court, I would almost guarantee once he realises it means he actually has to parent consistently he will back down.

Going to court isn’t some big scary thing OP, I know it sounds and feels overwhelming but actually it’s a good thing because it takes away the power of manipulation. Once there is a court order, let’s say he gets access one day a week - that’s his access and he doesn’t get to just turn up / ring / message and otherwise piss around with your time and energy.

So next time he says “I’m going to take you to court for access” say OK great, it will be good to have the official contact agreement in place.

It would be unlikely he would be awarded over night access immediately if he doesn’t yet have an established relationship- it’s not impossible and he is her dad so it might happen eventually.

you’d be much better to tackle it head on officially via the court than to spend years being threatened and manipulated over it

Stripedbag101 · 09/06/2023 21:03

This isn’t very clear at all.

your ex occasionally sees his daughter when the mood takes him. You have never stopped him, but won’t allow over nights.

He has now decided he wants regular over nights you have said no and he is threatening to take you to court?

you suspect the access is for his mum and not him. And you are annoyed he has gone on holiday with his friends?

it all sounds messy and immature.

why not tell him you are prepared to build up to an overnight? If he sees her every Saturday for a month you will allow overnights every other weekend?

he is dad and arguably entitled to 50-50 custody. It is so important that she has a relationship with her dad - and the only person stopping that should be him. You should encourage unless he is dangerous.

AgentJohnson · 10/06/2023 08:57

You mentioned his holiday for a reason, don’t be coy. Secondly, threats of court are just that, threats. If you are worried, make sure all communication is written so if he is stupid enough to push for court, you’ll have evidence of your previous cooperation and he will have to prove his commitment.

Disengage and try to be as business like as possible, this will help you not getting dragged into his drama.

Spirallingdownwards · 10/06/2023 09:03

You have said you won't allow him to have her overnight.

Do you allow him to collect her and take her home or insist he just sees her at yours?

If the latter then I can see why he feels the time gas cone to get the contact arrangements formalised in court, especially in a situation where you believe that he shouldn't be going away on holiday.

If you don't want to go to court agree to mediation or a fair contact agreement.

You say his mum is involved. She probably came on to Mumsnet to say that her son's ex won't give him proper contact and was told if she won't agree then the only way is tk get a formal court order.

rwalker · 10/06/2023 09:32

You’ll be doing yourself no favours if you bring this up it will highlight you are unreasonable

Original poster

Babygirlmum · 10/06/2023 11:20

No it won't be getting brought up but what will be getting brought up is, he left before DD was born and didn't initially want to be a part of her life until I got in contact with CMS, he has been nothing but inconsistent in her life, he doesn't ask about her progress or anything about her life, however he will ask stuff about mine and if I've seen with other men since him and will dig about stuff, he lives two hours away, he can't change DDs nappy and doesn't know how to react with her in situations, oh and let me add he has said that he can't see her all the time as it costs to much in petrol to get down to see her, but now wants to take me to court, the list goes on and on.

OP posts:

TeaKitten · 10/06/2023 12:01

None of that will stop him getting access though OP, and consistent access arranged by court is clearly what’s best for your DD here. You refused mediation so you don’t look perfect either. The good thing is your DD is still a baby and will be able to bind well in time with him and she won’t remember this situation. You moan he’s on a lads holiday but also moan that he’s curious about your life… it’s the same thing. Focus on your child and getting a consistent arrangement for her.

Stripedbag101 · 10/06/2023 12:25

I don’t believe an adult doesn’t know how to change a nappy. It’s really very easy.

clearly there are very good reasons that you are no longer together. And I am sure he is a bit of an arse.

but you need to consider this from your daughter’s perspective. It is in her best interests to have a relationship with her dad. Unless he is abusive of course.

it is also in her best interest that she gets to know her grandparents - even if you don’t like them.

I am sure he can cope with one overnight every other week - and it sounds like his mum would help him.

and if he doesn’t bother he can never tell your teenage daughter that he and his family would have loved to have gotten to know her and be her family but you stopped it.

take the high road - don’t get into a battle needlessly with this man. He isn’t even asking for 50-50 I assume - just regular contact. And that is his basic right - he is as much her parent as you are.

PaigeMatthews · 10/06/2023 12:40

Keep a diary of when he sees her and for how long. include arranged times he doesn't show up.

do not tell him anything about your life. Stick to info about the child.

court can help. Be positive when he mentions it. Say it will be great to have a regular arrangement. Say it will be great for him to take on a more responsible parent role.

Spidey66 · 10/06/2023 12:42

Without meaning offence, OP sounds young , teens or early 20s. I bet she'd love nights out and holidays with her friends, but instead she's caring for a baby, the father of whom is still able to have holidays and nights out while simultaneously playing mind games with her and threatening her with court action.

Have some empathy.

Snowy2022 · 10/06/2023 12:53

Some good advice above.

Keep convo to email and detail visiting hours and dates, on emails.

If you can consider it, also offer on email to help with the sleep over by offering you to sleepover as well. I feel a 12 month old baby is too young for sleepovers but I'm no family lawyer. I also feel he wants sleepovers to increase the hours he sees her at one time( can you offer longer hours?) and to avoid fuel costs.

The problem with courts is that by the time the case is done, the baby will be a toddler and things which are on your side now, will not be then. Hence best to offer more on emails and if he were to take the emails to his solicitor, the solicitor might advice him sensibly and help avoid court fights.

Yes, regardless of his past views regarding the baby, he is the father and that is what's relevant here.

On not knowing how to change a nappy- who knows, maybe he has arranged with his mum (who you have said has now got involved) for her to sleep over when the baby is there. As a grandparent, she also has some limited rights to the baby.

Sorry your ex sounds horrendous, but you need to focus on what's relevant.

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