Two siblings grown apart

[sunshinesupermum]

I am the mum of two DDs aged 42 and 38 and would appreciate advice from wise Mumsnetters please. Bear with me as I'll try to put as much info and not drip feed.

DD1 is married, works F/T, has 2 young sons. Comfortably off but time poor. DD2 lives with her partner, works F/T has no kids but needs a lot of downtime due to mental health. Both have supportive partners but DD1's DH and DS1 are both neuro diverse.

Neither DD drives and are reliant on public transport to meet up at my place about 2 hours away from me. They have been unable to visit together since sometime last year and DD1 is having a celebration party in July. DD2 has already made plans for that date that cannot be changed. DD1 isn't too upset as she did the same thing to DD2 around Xmas and both DD2 and I were upset.

I'm not asking that they should ever be best friends - I know that won't happen but how can I get them to meet up with me as a family? I only see them separately and never all together. I appreciate they have busy lives but I won't be around for ever and I'd like to know they are still in touch without my prodding them.

Why do they need to meet you together? I don't think it's that common that siblings do? Are you worried they won't connect with each other if you died? If so I'm really sorry but there is little you can do about that, they either will or they won't but that's also ok, they can find their support elsewhere if needed

Yes op its hard. We not overly close. Would meet at kids parties and our mam. We do night out around xmas. Unfort some families not close. Ive 2 sisters. It is what it is.

We're either of them your favourite growing up?

They've always been different characters. DD1 was very close to her Dad, I guess I compensated by favouring DD2, something I see happening with DD1 and her own 2 kids now.

When exh and I split up after a long marriage due to his being gay DDs were in their 20s and distraught that he had lied throughout their lives. Since then I've been their parent as he has gone off and remarried and makes no contact with anyone from his old life.

Guess I just miss having the family I wanted.

Please don't guilt them into liking each other, it won't really work. They are presumably just different people and have different lives.

My mother finds it awful that me and my sister don't get along but we are like chalk and cheese and will never really be close. She's just not someone I would choose to be around and I'm sure she feels the same about me. We have very different lives. It's fine.

You can have a good relationship with each of your daughters without forcing them together.

I suspect Dd1 knows that Dd2 is your favourite. I picked up on it from your first post where you said that both you and Dd2 had been upset with Dd1 when she didn't come to something for Dd2 around Christmas, but you didn't say that you felt upset for Dd1 now that Dd2 'already has plans' when Dd1 is having a celebration in July.

Very hard for children to have a great relationship when there is an imbalance in parental affection I'm afraid.

Hopingforagreatescape I am most upset about DD2 not attending the celebration DD1 is having but have learned not to comment. DD2 was upset more on my behalf than her own over the Xmas plans.

As children DD1 was very obviously favoured by her father who bullied DD2 so I make no apology for my own favouritism then. I have since apologised to DD1 which she accepts and we now have a very good relationship.

It's not my own relationship with my adult daughters that's the issue, but the relationship between them.

I would say stick to enjoying and enhancing your own relationship with each DD.

The relationship between them is not for you to manage.

You can’t dictate it, and trying to manipulate/guilt etc them into seeing one another is going to be counter-productive. My mother is always performing sadness her four children aren’t at all close and are seldom together in the same place for family occasions, and I’ll be honest, it irritates the living shit out of me, because she doesn’t take responsibility for the poor choices and and our father made that made our childhoods needlessly miserable and which directly caused us all to keep our distance from one another in adulthood.

Thanks Chewbacca that's all I can do.

MaudGoneOutForChips DD2 would very much like a good relationship with her sister. As she puts it, all her close friends see their siblings regularly, including those like yourself who had parents 'who made their childhoods miserable.'