If your partner ran his parents household as a teenager

[Purslanepurses]

How do you stop them bringing that baggage in to your own relationship?

My fabulous dh had a very stubborn but ineffectual father and he basically took over the running of his parents house from
about the age of fifteen.

Then, when his parents got in to debt, and he was earning, he “rescued” them by taking over their mortgage. All the actions of a decent and kind human being.

His parents are long dead, but he still brings this behaviour in to our relationship and it’s getting worse as he ages not better as I assumed it would.

I think I am reasonably assertive and enjoy my own company so I don’t need him to be my “shepherd” or “boss”. But nowadays if I dare utter the mildest of complaints he gives me advice on how to fix it rather than just saying “that’s a bit crap isn’t it” as I would like him to.

And if he has a problem or is ill he never shares that information so when he had a moderately serious health incident recently I was extremely worried about him because he pretended everything was fine when it wasn’t, even to the doctors.

I love my dh very much but it is getting increasingly hard to like someone who never needs help, never complains, never admits to making a mistake, never admits to any vulnerabilities at all.

Married 26 years with three dc who have all left home.

Wanting to fix it / offering advice /instructions is a common male trait.

My husband and some of my male friends and colleagues do this.

All you want is empathy and a listening ear.

When I want that I call my mum.

My parents are both dead unfortunately.

I do have good female friends to whom
I can moan a bit but I never wanted one of those marital relationships where the husband is emotionally moribund and sits in his shed all day while the wife has to go outside of the home to feel heard. That’s not how our relationship is atm but I can see it getting to that point if things don’t change.

I assumed things would get better after a quarter of a century but it’s getting worse!

As a pp says a lot of what you describe is common regardless of history.

My mum is the “fix it” type too. As am I! We are all rubbish at just going “oh dear that sounds bad” without trying to offer advice.

All I can suggest is be very direct with him, tell him straight up that you need a moan and you don’t want advice, you just want sympathy and a cuddle. I agree that it would be helpful to find some other people to share worries/moans with though - not instead of your husband, but as well.

Ignoring potentially serious health issues and not telling the doctor the truth is more worrying, especially as you get older. I guess my suggestion here would be to mention your own health regularly and ask about his in the same conversation, so it becomes a normal thing to discuss?

Again though I’m not sure this is down to his history… men are notoriously difficult to get to see a doctor. One GP I knew would run a battery of tests on almost every man she saw because she knew she wouldn’t see them again for years.

Good luck!

Maybe it is just men then ; or personality type, rather than his upbringing?

Dont get me wrong, I don’t want a constant whinge fest. Just a bit of fellow feeling I suppose that life can be hard. I don’t think he was allowed to express disappointment, or feel ill as a child, because his parents were always in a state of semi-permanent crisis.

But thank you for suggestions Fandabedodgy and minipie; sorry I meant to say that first!

Ha ha, this is so true. But he should be honest with his doctors.