So I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 8 years, we've been pretty good for a long time, we have a house together, 2 dogs.. he has ALOT of mental health issues which I'm not going to lie have been quite a struggle for me over the past but because I love him I've never tried to make it an issue and tried to help him.
So last week he's been going through a bit of a rough time at the moment and he randomly said to me he doesn't know if he feels to same about me anymore or whether his depression is making him feel this way. He has a specific kind of councelling which he is on a waiting list for happening soon which I thought would be a help. Obviously this was a massive shock to me because even though I have to admit things had got stagnant we haven't had sex in a year, things have been a bit tense, but this is also due to me having multiple injuries and just not having a very good year with my mental health.
But as of Saturday I noticed he has been on his phone alot more, and he is talking to this female on a game him and his mate play. I was not phased at the start because it's just a game she doesn't live anywhere near us, and I've never been a jealous or someone who cared about him talking to a female because I've never had the need not to trust him.
I did something bad and I checked his phone on Monday because for some reason I just had a sense that something was off. I checked his phone while he was sleeping which is something I've never done before, and I was absolutely mortified. He was sending pictures of himself, which knowing him as a person that's not really a thing he does. He was talking to her throughout the night. And then as trivial as it sounds they ended up sending 'x' to eachother at the end of the messages. He had messaged her saying he was having a tough time, and that he still loves me, but doesn't know how he feels anymore but it's complicated.
I woke him up that morning and told him how hurt I felt that 1) he was talking to another person through text when I thought he was only talking to her through a game 2) and that I didn't like the fact he was sending photos and kisses to her. It made me feel uneasy. He woke up and tried to explain to me that it was all innocent and nothing is going on & in all honestly once I calmed down it was generally innocent bar the photos. So we had a massive chat and have decided we were going to try and really work it out, try and spend more time together. Which it's been a week and we have been doing so, and things have been nice.
Another thing to note my boyfriend also travels away once a week, and on one of my concerns I said to him the other night was that I feel very self conscious at the moment and that I hate the fact that he's talking to her. And that when he travels away I don't want to feel like I can't trust him and that hes talking to her. On a side note he will only be working away for another 3 weeks.
So he went away on weds for the night, and we were messaging eachother all night we stayed on facetime. It was like old times for us which I thought was nice, when he came home the next day everything was normal and fine. He has been telling me he still loves me and that he wants to work this out.
But I woke up this morning and I don't know his phone was next to me and I said I would never check his phone because that's not my personality never has been. But I checked his phone and he has sent another photo of himself to her. Also he had send a voice note on weds evening when he was travelling away, asking if she would like to virtually watch a movie together that evening. (But she didn't see the message) but reading the messages I feel like she is the one that is almost friendzoning him more than the other way round which honestly is breaking my heart. But what I hate the most is when we were talking that evening he asked me to do the exact same thing. Also he sent a picture of our dogs, to me and her at the same time. I just didn't understand why she needed to be send a picture it felt like it was so he could spark a conversation.
I'm currently sat in my bed at 5 in the morning just really not knowing what to do. I'm self employed I can't afford to pay for this house by myself. But I also really really don't want to move back home. I work from this house, and I love living here. I also would have to take both of the dogs which is going to be so hard work for me. I just don't know whether me trying to work this out is a good thing, because when he's with me he's fine and we're good. But it's like he has a piece on the side that he's enjoying (like he's enjoying the attention) and I'm ngl I enjoy getting a bit of male attention here and there. But I would never act on it. I just don't know if I'm being an absolute fool. But I also absolutely hate the fact that I feel like I can't trust him and I feel so jealous of this girl. The fact that I feel like that is already heartbreaking enough for me as I've never ever in my life been this way I'm very chilled.
I'm also turning 27 in a couple of days and I just really don't want to start my life again. I just don't know if he has completely destroyed my trust, and whether I'll ever get it back. But I just really don't know what to do? I love him I really do, but I also don't want to be treated like an idiot. I have told him I don't like him talking to her. But I also don't want to stop him from talking to a friend if that's what she really is because I wouldn't like it if that was done to me. But am I wrong for wanting to ask him not to talk to her? As I feel like she is a threat evening though he says she's not.
I serious just don't know what to do about my life. I'm so lost and hurt.