How to approach my partner's moodiness

[ChocolateCrackles]

Hi all,

My partner and I are two women, in a two year relationship, living together just under a year. Practically equal re: income, age, social class etc. Both have done therapy in the past and I would have said generally that we are quite good at reflecting and resolving issues as they come up.

My partner has gotten increasingly moody - sulky, shouty, pouty - over the past six months. She is under a lot of (self-imposed, due to poor boundaries and high expectations of herself IMO) work stress, which I am sympathetic to. She tends to do things all or nothing and isn't great at moderation. She has also given up heavy smoking and started quite a restrictive diet. She is quick to anger and yells at me and her child/grandchild over small irritations, which is very hard to be around.

I also work full-time as an introvert in a caring profession. When I get home I want calm and quiet. She is an extrovert and has a tendency to become quite childish and irritating (poking me, getting up in my face, stomping around) because she wants attention. I find it hard to relax. Again, she pouts and accuses me of being 'distant' when I clearly state that I don't have the mental energy to entertain her in that state.

Last night our grandson came home to stay for the evening and while he was happily sat up at the table eating, she tried to grab at his head to look at an ear piercing. He flinched away and told her not to do that. She escalated and it ended in her physically restraining him while he was crying and trying to get away, and yelling at me for telling her to back off and stop bullying him. I was disgusted with her behaviour because I grew up with an angry mother as a kid and have found that hard to get over. We haven't spoken today and she keeps asking me what is wrong. I know she knows and thinks I'll just get over it or something.

How do I effectively communicate that her moods/intrusive behaviours are unacceptable? I am starting to have the ick set in.

Thanks.

Tell the parents of the kid what she did
then move out and get on with your life
she sounds awful!

Leave

She assaulted her grandson? Leave.

You and she should no longer be together because she is abusive. The responsibility for her moodiness aka emotional abuse is solely hers. Do not waste time trying to communicate to her that her moodiness is unacceptable, she will not listen and will further blame you. Abusers think it’s everyone else’s fault and not their own.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents.
You yourself grew up with an angry mother, history is repeating itself here.

This paragraph here tells me you're not compatible

I also work full-time as an introvert in a caring profession. When I get home I want calm and quiet. She is an extrovert and has a tendency to become quite childish and irritating (poking me, getting up in my face, stomping around) because she wants attention. I find it hard to relax. Again, she pouts and accuses me of being 'distant' when I clearly state that I don't have the mental energy to entertain her in that state.

That's before she assaulted her grandchild.

I know it is a cliche around here but I don't want to jump to ending the relationship. I am aware of the cycle of abuse and the flags due to previous experiences and my day to day work. I don't think she is abusive by nature, but I do think the lack of self-control she is displaying more and more is absolutely cause for concern. I think it's gone on long enough and after last night I do think it has reached an escalation point.

My partner exhibited this behaviour though it was not physical (the grandson incident) one time. He is also extremely moody . At that moment, I told him in no uncertain terms that if he ever did that again, I would walk out the door. That we would be over. I do not make threats. He knew how serious I was.
i told him he must apologise, sincerely and properly and mean it.

it never happened again.
You need this to not happen again. You need to be allowed to have quiet and reflective space after work. It is your right to have calm in your own home. If she does not see that or accept that, it is time to reassess your compatibility. Moreover your partner needs to look at herself and develop because she is acting like a toddler pushing boundaries. Awful.

What would make you leave an abusive relationship?

She provokes you for a reaction regularly

She assaulted your grandson.

She is abusive. I'm sorry you can't see that.

Why do you not want to jump
into ending the relationship?. What is preventing you?. Money worries, fear of her, fear of the unknown?. What’s your reasoning behind that statement?.

What is your definition of abuse?. Abuse us not solely physical in nature and she’s already assaulted your grandson. Your relationship bar is still too low and needs urgent raising and overhaul. It was your grandson yesterday, it could well be you who is assaulted next. She’s volatile and remains so.

She's abusive and can't control herself. You need to tell the parents about what happened and tell her if this behaviour continues you'll leave. If this was a same sex relationship and it was a man behaving like this it would be labelled as abuse plain and simple and the woman would be encouraged to leave.

*wasn't

Has she seen a GP recently? I only ask as changing behaviour could be medical...
My husband was recently diagnosed diabetic and since starting his tablets he's changed a lot, the strange irritability, anxiety and tiredness has vanished...
I also had a friend who was alienating everyone around her with strange behaviour, moods and general nastiness that started subtly and gradually progressed to the stage where she lost lots of friends. She was diagnosed with a benign brain tumour. It was caught by her GP as she was eating her way through packets of migraine tablets and went in for a review on one of her bad days... She went back to her normal self after surgery
Just a thought.

You're only starting to 'get the ick' and think it would be a 'jump' to end the relationship and she did this?!
she tried to grab at his head to look at an ear piercing. He flinched away and told her not to do that. She escalated and it ended in her physically restraining him while he was crying and trying to get away, and yelling at me for telling her to back off and stop bullying him
Neither of you should have DGC contact.

I couldn't stay with her. Assaulting her grandson is awful. You have a duty to tell his parents what happened. If you don't you're complicit. I don't think he should ever be forced to see her again.

Ouch! obviously she is stressed. No kid needs to get hurt! Ask yourself, would you leave her alone with your grandson ? If the answer is no. You know what to do!

Pack her bags.
She sounds abusive and manipulative. She all but assaulted her GS, that’s totally out of order. The shouting is a no, no. I’ve been in a relationship like this and 15 years after ending it I’m still traumatised.

So your partner assaulted her grandchild?

She is a highly abusive bully who uses those around her as an emotional punching bag.

You have IMO a moral obligation to tell the parents of that child what occurred or you are complicit in what happened.

I think your wish to resolve such a situation and "fix" her is deeply flawed.

This is someone showing you EXACTLY who they really are.

A nasty abusive bully who would put her hands on a child.

You sound like someone who deserves so much better than what this relationship is giving you.

There is nothing cliché about not tolerating a child being assaulted.

I sincerely hope that child tells their parents what occurred.

That child should never be allowed alone with her again and if it was my child, she would find herself with the police at her door.

There are many many posters on MN that do not consider LTB an overreaction after a child has been assaulted and is desperately upset and crying.

Unbelievable.

Those parents need to be told.

Are you vetted for you career?

I would give some serious thought to your own position, as a witness to a child being assaulted and you not reporting it.

When you say 'our grandchild', you have been together for 2 years so this is an interesting framing?

There are aspects of your relationship that are problematic in terms of compatibility, but you are two adults with capacity to make decisions about who you want to live with.

The issue about the grandchild is completely different. The child was left, in loco parentis, with one of you two. This decision would likely to have been informed by a long term relationship with the grandparent (possibly since birth), trusting that she will keep the child safe.

There is a significant difference in the responsibility of the OP if they are the person the parents have chosen to leave the child with or if they are the partner of this parent.