Is it me?

[JellyWelly79]

I've just joined Mumsnet so forgive my waffling or if I have the wrong end of the stick on posting/asking for opinions and views.

I'm just starting to wonder..... is it me? am I in the wrong?

My partner and I have been together for years and he's always been full of double standards and has a tendency to be a bit mean when we have a "discussion" . I think I'd become a little immune to it. Lately though he seems to have gotten far worse I've found myself getting teary. He's said before I am mentally "not normal" at times when I have had a different opinion, thought or feeling about a particular situation to the one he has. I've always replied that not agreeing with him is just me having a different opinion, thought or feeling, it's not me having some kind of personality disorder or mental health issue. Tonight though I feel deeply upset by that comment and a few other things he said (he doesn't understand why). He said I need to see a doctor because he thinks I'm obese and then revealed that his Mum (who is in her 70s) has told him to find someone else as I'm no good! She's always spoken badly of me. I don't know why as I have a FT job, keep a clean house, don't drink, smoke or cheat but he's never defended me. Am I wrong for being upset? Should I really be questioning myself? Has anyone else been in a similar situation and how did you tackle it?

Could do with a little more context but no, i don't think it's you. Sounds like he's a bit of a knob. And somewhat gaslight-y.

He does it so you won’t argue back. He then gaslights you into thinking there is something wrong with you. It’s just a ploy to make you do as you are told. Why are you with him? Is your relationship usually like you described?

I think there are two separate issues.
One is his style of arguing when you have disagreements. And your increased sensitivity to it.
Hard to tell really what is going on - maybe you just grew tired of the behaviour. Maybe you are depressed? Maybe you are hormonal (peri?)

As to his comment about your weight.
OK- the PC thing to say is that one should comment on weight. But - if my partner started to rapidly increase his weight - I’d worry. And I’d certainly mention it too.
So - more context is really needed.

It’s not you, it’s him and his mother is the same unsurprisingly. This man learnt from
her about relationships.

i also think he has worn you down over the years but you still have a choice re this man and leaving him would ultimately be freeing of he and his awful mother.

and then revealed that his Mum (who is in her 70s) has told him to find someone else as I'm no good!

So why hasn’t he found someone else? If he’s so dissatisfied with you, what’s stopping him from setting both of you free to find happiness elsewhere? I mean, seriously?

Has anyone else been in a similar situation and how did you tackle it?

No, I haven’t - because I was raised to see and think of relationships as being between people who love and like each other - and are decent and caring to each other. This is the norm.

This man is awful. You deserve better. Is there something about being single that scares you? Do you honestly think that being with such an awful man is the best way to live out your days?

so for more context and answer to the questions - I guess the relationship has always felt a bit like I am the one compromising and giving in to keep the peace. On the weight thing then yes I am overweight - have always struggled with weight and it’s not a new thing and isn’t sudden. He’s not mentioned it at all before and I suppose the obese comment felt out of the blue and harsh right off the bat. His criticism of me one way or another is not new either and seem almost throw away comments that I thought I’d stopped hearing. Him finding someone new if he’s so dissatisfied - he said (without me asking) it’s because he’s loyal and isn’t a quitter. TBH that felt like another gut punch.
as for afraid of being alone then yes I suppose I am to a point and afraid of the massive change to my life if we part ways. We’ve been together more than half our lives so huge impact.

Your value as a human being is not how much you weigh, so tell him that as he is clearly unable to see past some superficial factors. YOU are enough and he clearly is on a mission to make you feel the way you now do, then gashlights you into thinking its all you, and you are not going crazy nor are you sensitive as someone on this thread has indicated, your reactions are normal.

You sound like you are worn down buy it all. Not sure who long you have been together but this will grind you down further with every disagreement you will have in the future. This man is happy with how things are until you want what you deserve which is to have an equal input and to be heard and not told that you will be tossed off if you do not do as he says or dont loose weight, the liberty

This got worse and worse!!! Please do seek counselling for yourself to help repair your self esteem for being treated like this. I was going to suggest couples therapy but he seems too meAn to bother. You don't deserve this please confide in a friend x

LTB

Better to be alone than with someone who makes you feel worthless x

No you are not in the wrong. I've been through similar. There are several factors here:
Your partner telling you that you have a mental health problem for disagreeing with him is a method of gaslighting you. If he just decides that your opinion doesn't matter, then he doesn't have to take it into account.
If he is seriously worried about your weight, then a serious and empathetic conversation with an offer of help would be the way forward, not framing it as an insult during an argument.
His mother's opinion of you is neither here nor there. She's not your partner.
His whole behaviour is controlling and gaslighting.
The fact that you have now become sick of his abusive and dismissive behaviour towards you after such a long time together does not invalidate your feelings. I would honestly investigate the idea of leaving him and rebuilding your life with people who love and respect you. It certainly worked for me.

What a horrible man get rid

A massive red flag is him telling you that you are mentally unstable. It's a known emotionally abusive tactic to label you as "crazy" when you are just asserting yourself.

How old are you? Any children?

I would suggest you start looking at ways to validate your feelings and learn boundaries. You might benefit from counselling as someone who is independent and can help validate your boundaries.

Look up emotional abuse..I think a lightbulb will go on for you

Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven would be an enlightening read for you @JellyWelly79

Thank you all so much for your thoughts and advice. It’s been good to have someone else’s
perspective. Recent events have been just the tip of the iceberg in terms of behaviour and
words as there have been worse hence my questioning why I’d only just started to feel upset. I’ve ordered the Pat Craven book as recommended by @Worriedaboutrapecourts and hopefully it will set me on the right path. For now, for this evening at least, there is a little respite. Thank you all again. X

You only have his word for what his mum has said about you. She may well have said nothing of the sort, and he is lying through his teeth.

Anyway, it's not you - he sounds a nasty piece of work and you'd be far better off without him. He's done a real character assassination job on you, hasn't he? Don't stand for it any more. You do not have to stay in any relationship if it makes you unhappy.

Being alone is better than being in a relationship with someone who makes you feel like sh1t. You don’t say how old you are but I’m guessing you got together young. Perhaps in reality the relationship has run its course. Habit is not a reason to stay with someone.