Ducks in a row...?

[mokebox]

I think I need to leave my husband. At best we are completely incompatible, at worst our relationship is completely toxic, bordering on emotionally abusive. I think he's borderline abusive, during arguments (like tonight) he accuses me of being such. This might be gaslighting, I've no idea any more if we are as bad as each other.

I've wanted to stick it out til kids are older, in school so we are both less financially dependent, but secretly I hoped that things would be better by then once we were past the hard toddler years. Yet another fight where i dont even know what happened or who is to blame other than im so unhappy right now has left me feeling its impossible.

I need to figure out how to leave, how to get my ducks in a row as everyone says? What do I need to do?

I have two infant / toddler children, I don't want to leave our home til I'm in a position to buy a new one independently. He would never leave. I'm scared he will lie about me to take my kids. I dont trust him. Does he need to go to court to do that? He won't if it'll cost him...

I need a hand hold & some practical advice.

Firstly, do you have your wage and child benefit paid into your own account ?
Im assuming you own your home ?
Do you both have private pensions ?
Do you have any joint savings or shares/premium bonds ?
Start saving points from places like Tesco/Sainsbury’s/Boots, as it’s like money but you won’t have to give him half !
Then I’d have a secret appointment with a family solicitor, it’s very liberating.

Yes child benefit & my salary comes directly to me. We have a joint mortgage and joint accounts but joint savings are minimal. I have a pension, he doesn't.

I'm so confused about what I want to do. When things are good, I'm generally happy & content but there's a cycle and similar arguments reoccur. He thinks I'm perpetually negative, but I feel constantly judged by him which I think puts me on eggshells & makes me negative. I feel like I can't say no to things without being accused of negativity. I'm just tired.

I hear what you are saying, you get ground down by them and feel a bit like you are submitting to keep the peace.
Peri menopause tends to throw these feelings up, how old are you ?
Plus, keep a note of it and see if it’s PMT related.

I’d like some marriage counselling, as I feel like I can’t say certain things or I’ll be accused of nagging. I’d like a place to be able to say things ask see them, and be heard.

If you want to try and make the relationship work then marriage counselling.
You've both got yourselves into a cycle and you need help to break out of it.
Communication is the key, but if your struggling to do that then get a professional in to help you.

Ring Women's aid for advice and support.

Start a paper trail with your GP about how you are treated, shouting, insults, abuse, if you feel scared, walk on eggshells.

Spell it out.

Keep a record of his behaviour and treatment of you.

If you can record him.

Tell family and close friends that you are struggling.

Gather support around you.

Get all paperwork copied and somewhere safe.

Start squirreling money away.

Can you give regular cash to anyone so that they have it safe for you, when you need it?

Take it step by step.

We are here for you.

Thank you everyone.

I don't see myself doing it any time soon and still hold out hope that things will get better but I may be kidding myself.

I'd like to have things ready so I can go for it if I feel I really need to. I guess the main thing I need is information on where I stand with certain things as I don't think he will make things easy.

I had a free chat with a solicitor over the phone. It was very empowering.
I haven’t gone, I’m still married, but I’m living with a constant feeling that I’m going to go at some point. I don’t love him any more, his stupid jokes annoy me, and in my head I’m constantly criticising him. I don’t feel settled.
The one thing I would say is that if you are going to go, do it while your kids are younger as it puts you in a better position. And encourage him to start a pension of his own.

Can I ask what the benefit of having records and/or evidence of treatment is? What would I use it for? This is maybe a naive question but I feel I need absolute clarity on every aspect of leaving if that's what I decide to eventually do.

Don't wait. Any money you save will be half his. I divorced when my kids were 2&3. They have no memory of us living together.

If you think he's going to try and take the kids you need to evidence everything. All the time. You need to build a picture up.

Just not really sure how to evidence it. It's mostly very subtle.

Written messages where possible. Take arguments away from verbal if you can. Record threats. In reality it's very unlikely in your circumstances that he'll take them away I think. But it's the best stick to beat you with because it works.