Partner has trust issues

[AprilDec]

Looking for some advice... long post.

I’ve been with my partner for just over 9 years and we have a child. 3 years ago during the first lockdown I was put on furlough for several months whilst my partner worked 12-hr days and all my friends continued to wfh. I became very lonely, withdrawn and isolated during this period (I was classed as high risk so had to be very careful) and my mental health suffered. During this time a guy I had briefly met through work randomly messaged me and we started chatting. He eventually told me he liked me and on a couple of occasions our chats became quite flirty and even sexual. I know I should have shut it down but I felt like I wasn’t being seen or heard by my partner, and I had tried on several occasions to explain to him that I was feeling lonely/isolated but he didn’t seem to get it, whereas this guy did. A lot of our conversations were just checking in with each other and asking how we were doing/coping during lockdown. A few weeks after it started my partner found my phone and saw the chats. We have managed to get past this and go on to have our child, and I now work somewhere else, but he still has massive trust issues even though nothing has happened since.

Over the last 3 years we have been very up and down, probably more so since having a child as it's extra stress, and I feel like we go round in a loop of being really good, then something small will annoy one of us and we don't communicate properly then we go through a few days of barely speaking and it blows up and we have huge row then make up. I feel like the trust issues are a massive part of this and I'm not sure if he will ever get past it. He often complains that we don't have enough sex even though I try and make sure we do once a week/fortnight (no idea if this is classed as normal or average or whatever).

We are in the barely speaking stage again at the moment and this is because I met up with my old manager the other night from the place of work where I knew that guy from (he wasn't there) and we ended up chatting for ages and didn't realise how late it was (11pm). My partner text me: "why you still out" and I felt the need to take a photo of my manager to send to him to prove where I was and who I was with. I am starting to feel like I need to take photos whenever I go anywhere alone to prove to him where I am and tbh I'm at the point now where I feel broken and think what's the point in going anywhere with my friends when it causes so much drama. I'm starting to feel trapped and I don't know if we should even be together anymore. I understand what I did was wrong, but I feel like after over 3 years and having a child together we might have re-built some trust.

I guess I'm just asking for advice from anyone in a similar situation or who as been through this. Is it worth the stress and heartache, will we be able to fully recover or would it be better in the long run to just walk away. I want to start trying for another child maybe next year, but need to make a decision about the relationship first.
Sorry for the super long post and thank you to anyone who reads it all x

This is the problem with deceiving your partner. It alters the relationship, it diminishes the trust, and it can turn the deceived partner into a hypervigilant, worried and mistrusting person.

He doesn’t trust you because of your actions; it’s like a broken mirror; even if you glue it back together then it’s still broken. Sounds very dysfunctional and toxic

I'm sorry Op but your actions led to his lack of trust. Saying he has 'trust issues' makes it sounds like his problem that you're dealing with. But actually, you showed him that he couldn't trust you then - how can he know that he can trust you now?

I remember being really let down by my Ex-H. Trying to move on, I couldn't never fully trust him again. He'd get frustrated with me 'you have to trust me, I'm telling you the truth'. Well, he might have been but how would I know? I never really trusted him again. In the end I left.

As you caused the damage you have to be patient as he rebuilds his trust in you. At some point you both have to decide if you can rebuild that trust or is it damaged forever. Because although you created the problem, it wouldn't be OK for him to say he wants to stay with you but then to punish you forever for it. Only you can decide how long you're willing to stick around while he rebuilds.

I think you need to be patient with him and let more time pass before this can fully resolve.
I have been hurt before in a relationship, I stayed because I cared so much for the other person, and it took YEARS to rebuild the trust. Sometimes, I still have moments of distrust but luckily my partner does everything in his power to make sure I never am worried.
the next thing is, is this relationship right for you? There seems to be issues on both sides with more maybe than the trust, from what you have said. I could be wrong but that’s what I’m picking up.

I completely understand it could take him years and I really hate myself for doing it, all it took was a few weeks and a couple of conversations to completely ruin everything. I just thought we might have moved forward a little bit by this stage.
I do feel like I put more effort in than him. I feel like I’m always the one organising dates and stuff. For example the last couple of months I’ve arranged a night away on 2 occasions, I booked tickets for an event both times and sorted out hotel/transport etc, sorted childcare and all I asked him to do was find somewhere nice to eat. The first time we just ended stopping at the services for food and the second we just went to subway. And I know a lot of people will say I deserve it and I should be the one making all the effort which is completely right but I also think it comes to a point where he needs to contribute a bit. And in terms of our child I do most things, such as arranging/making payments for childcare (we both work full time), buying/washing all our child’s clothes/bed sheets and I’m always planning family days out.
I’m at a point where I feel like nothing I do is going to be good enough. I’ve recently lost my Dad so am already going through a really tough time. I just don’t know what to do, I’ve tried talking to him in the past and he just doesn’t seem to get it. I can just feel my mental health drastically declining

my sympathies on the loss of your Dad, OP. I think I have a better and slightly different understanding now from your second post! Well, you are right there when you say he does need to make an effort too. If he really wants to be in this relationship and have it be healthier, he needs to try. Doesn’t seem like he’s trying very hard… of course you deserve better than a subway and a pit stop at the services! He needs to put more of an interest in. In my situation, it was pretty bad for maybe a year, got gradually better, and ok I do still sometimes get super annoyed when I think of what happened but I do try as well, if I hadn’t tried it wouldn’t have worked. He has to remind himself that he needs to be part of getting back to when you guys were really happy.
Does he actually want to move past this?

I don't blame him for having trust issues - what you did was awful - but if he's decided to forgive you, move on from it, have a child with you etc then he needs to work through his issues surrounding this too; he can't hold this against you for the rest of your lives.

No, when you decide to continue the relationship AND go on to have a baby, then you make the choice to accept what happened and put it behind you, it does not give you a right to then police your partners life from there on out.

OP, this isn’t healthy, he tried to forgive and he can’t, clearly. I think you need to look at therapy, or going your separate ways.

What you did was clearly wrong and you acknowledge that. However it doesn’t mean you should be perpetually miserable. Your partner agreed to try and work past the issues and you should be grateful for that BUT it doesn’t give him license not to try nor to treat you badly.

I think you may need to accept that he cannot get past the issue (3years is a pretty decent amount of time to try) and that you don’t want to live like this. If that is the case you either both need to commit to trying harder (including therapy) or you need to separate. You can’t force him to get over this not can you grovel him into truly moving on. The best you can do is to accept it’s broken and can’t be fixed and move on with as much grace and kindness as possible.

Your partner doesn't have trust issues, you have cheating issues and the onus is on you to gain his trust and prove you've changed. It's very obvious what needs to happen if you want to stay together, go to couples therapy and then decide if it's worth working on the relationship or breaking up. Therapy will be helpful for all of you to understand the situation from each others POV as you have a child to tie you together and need to coparent effectively.

I think I have proved I have changed over the last 3 years, as I said in my previous post I am always organising dates / family days out for us. I feel like everything I do is for him and our child. I rarely go out with my friends on my own, I usually bring our child along with me and sometimes my partner will come as well. And tbh I think having a child with him is massive proof that I've changed - why would I have a child with him and talk about having another child together then decide to cheat again?
We did have a open and honest chat after it happened and I explained to him how alone and unsupported I was feeling, and that I didn't feel seen or heard by him and he actually apologised for that and realised I was right. He said he knows he goes off into his own world sometimes and just assumes everything is ok with me. So after that I thought things would be different and we moved on. But now it's like he's forgotten all about that chat and whenever we talk about things now I still feel like he's not hearing or seeing me. I've recently had CB therapy for anxiety/low mood and think couples counselling would probably be a good idea. He doesn't really believe in mental health problems or therapy thought so not sure if he would go. But for the sake of our child I know we both want to try and make things work.