What just happened?

[Pixiedust1234]

No idea why I'm posting. Part upset, part wtf, part diary. But I need to get it out. Yes, I'm trying to find a way to leave but it's not easy.

DH has got up after a nightshift and made us both a coffee, he was smiling, seemed okay but I was on the phone. I went to sit on the sofa with him to talk about the phonecall as there was something he needs to know. He wouldn't stop looking at his phone so I asked if it was something interesting and next thing he was shouting at me, really top of the voice shouting, rolling his eyes and huffing, "for fucks sake, its nothing, why should it be fucking anything, what the fuck is your problem..." at which point I walked out.

I shouldn't be in tears over that, should I. It's just stupid. So why am I?

@Whenwillitallmakesense - thank you for that, I was getting vibes of well, she made him shout at her, it was her fault.

DH earns too much for me to get benefits, I'm too ill to work. Although you could say I was a sahp for many years as I did everything else anyway.

I've lived this way for thirty odd years, it wasn't until last year from being on here that I realised other people didn't live like this so I'm still trying to find out if I'm being silly or not. Above poster has made me doubt myself again so maybe it was me, maybe I used the wrong tone, or the wrong timing, or something. Anyway he still doesn't know about his mother and I don't know how to mention it now.

You are not remotely being silly OP. You are being abused and controlled. I'm sorry.

Is this a regular thing ? Could he just be anxious about receiving bad news about his mother and wants to put his head in the sand ?

Maybe not just read you have been going to bed hungry on and off for years...

@Pixiedust1234

i know he's a cunt
you know he's a cunt

its been going on far too long.

Go to family/friends/refuge.

stop 'trying to leave' and just GO

you'll get more help once you've left.

Dont let anyone put you off, or make you think it's your fault, it's not. Just leave the giant thunder Cunt!!

@Pixiedust1234 you need to talk to women's aid. You are being emotionally and financially abused. It wouldn't surprise me if you are also being physically or sexually abused either. You need help to escape.

Please do this @Pixiedust1234 . You need help really urgently, these vague ideas of wanting to leave and the GP referring you for this and that won’t get you out of this dreadful situation quickly enough. Counselling won’t save you, you need to get away from him. The way you’re living is highly abnormal, you’re being abused, and surely enough people on here have told you this now and you can believe us and stop feeling you’re maybe “silly”. No normal marriage involves someone withholding money from their spouse, buying food only for themselves and making the spouse go to bed hungry.
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/
Don’t tell yourself you’re not being abused so you’re not entitled to use these services. Speak to someone and tell them what you’ve said here.

I totally agree you need to leave and it sounds like you need help since you are being abused.

i know this will be a challenge for you but his mum is not your problem. Don’t bother trying to tell him, he can always call her.
Try and focus on what you need to do to leave. This is way past suggesting ways to make living with him work better.

while you make plans, please cook and eat a big meal. It doesn’t matter if you waste half of it, even if it’s not your favorite either. Cook half or all of the chicken or mince or whatever. You need food.

The fact you said 'I've being going to bed hungry for years' absolutely broke my heart. You are well within your rights to be upset about his reaction to you, no one deserves to be spoken to like that. I hate that you've probably become used to his general shitty treatment towards you over the years. You don't deserve this and I hope you can find a way out and be as happy as you can

You need to see a person who can assess your depression. The GP will point you in the right direction.
Only when you are feeling more confident and well will you be able to make good decisions.

What the hell? You don't think being abused, left penniless and hungry might possibly be the cause of the depression?

This is awful OP. You're in an abusive marriage, and only just at the beginning of realising it after 30 years, so of course you're going to find yourself in tears more and more. It is your body's way of responding and telling you this isn't right and you're being treated horribly. It sounds like you're getting into the minutiae with it all, but the quicker you can access local support the better so you can start to disengage and think big picture and exit.

So he buys food for himself and you end up with nothing? Why on Earth are you with him?

Grow up the pair of you arguing, your distracting posters trying to help the OP.

His mother his problem, stop running round after him

@Pixiedust1234 you are undoubtedly being abused so please don't let the bastard you're married to or people on here make you doubt otherwise. It's great to know that you're seeing your GP who is signposting you to relevant agencies to help you out if this awful marriage. Please just know that this is not 'normal' and there can be a happy life outside this marriage. Please accept any help that's offered, as hard as it might be.

@AngelAurora I was sticking up for OP from people who wanted to make her doubt her own reality, ie being in abusive relationships by making her feel bad about herself. Do not call me a child and don't tell me what I can and can't say. It's an open forum and I'll say what the fuck I want as long as I'm not breaking the rules, OK?

Thanks all. I was feeling very low yesterday. I think I needed to hear a voice (or two) that I wasn't being over sensitive and silly. It's hard to know what is usual marriage problems and what isn't after all this time. The food situation started when the children were little and money was tight for all. I went without so the kids could eat, it's what you do. Unfortunately it didn't get better when his wages grew as he spent it on himself. Bits here, bits there, never in a big sum but I still went without. Took me four years of saving odd coins to buy a new bra once. Sounds ridiculous written down but it was normal to me. It's only this past year reading other women's posts on here that I've realised most of my life wasn't right. What's changed is that I never reached the point of actually crying during those thirty years so I'm finding it very strange that I am now.

I know I need to leave it's just figuring out the how.

No family (except brother who thinks I should try harder to make marriage work).
No friends.
Refuge will only take me, not adult DD as he behaves differently with her (mostly). I would rather rot in hell than leave her behind.
Womensaid referred me to a local DA group who want me to involve the police and get an order to kick him out. It's very much he said, she said with no witnesses for most things (he's not physical), so that's not really a viable option.

GP has signposted me to a person who is trying to get me free/reduced legal help but it's taking a while but fingers crossed it will lead somewhere.

She was speaking to someone on the phone. He was playing/scrolling. Very different.

This is one of the saddest posts I've ever read on here. Op, I am so sorry for what you're going through. You have no money for food and you go to bed hungry? That's shocking.

Accept any help you can to leave. Your h is a cunt. 💐