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Original poster

Martial rape - aftermath (TW)

15 replies

NottodaySatann · 08/06/2023 10:32

I would really appreciate any advice, if this doesn’t belong here please let me know.

I am going through an extremely horrific and messy divorce. Ex was raping me in my sleep (sometimes whilst awake), financially withholding money from me and the finances, manipulating, cheating, among other other things.

He actually left me (I would never had the strength to leave him). After he left, almost instantly I realised how horrific my life had been (I really was just trying to survive whilst in it and keep the family together).

I’ve spoken to refuge, womens aid, gone through the freedom programme and all are amazing but I don’t know what to do.

I’ve been advised by solicitors and the above organisations to report the martial rape but I don’t know what will happen if I do? I doubt he’ll be arrested (I don’t want that at all) but what will happen? If it’s just noted down I think I won’t mind that. I feel like I have ‘evidence’ against, texts that say ‘you attacked me in the night again’ those literal words and an email I sent to myself (like a diary entry which is date stamped) saying he’d had sex with me again when I explicitly said no. Obviously I haven’t got evidence for every time he did it only for about 3-4 times but he did it between the 50-100 mark. I just worry I’m going to be called a liar. I don’t know if I have the strength to have that thrown against me and for me to be called the bitter ex wife (he moved on within two weeks of leaving over a year ago)

Hes truly an evil man and has made my life as hard as possible since he left. Has anyone had experiences like this and what was your outcome?

OP posts:
Shoutatthewind · 08/06/2023 13:25

Gosh OP I am so sorry this has happened to you. Been through similar myself. We were not married though. Like you I received help from woman's aid and took the freedom program course, along with lots of therapy.

I did go to the police. I also told them at the refuge I stayed at for over 16 months with my DC at the time, 2014. Police were great but no charges were ever made. I felt there was too little evidence and police agreed with me. But my relationship was short.

Do go to the police though. they have a team within their force, most of them, who know how to deal with this, and you will be heard. It is also worth noting everything down if you can remember events, sorry I know that will be tough.

If you are able to do this via your local woman's aid refuge then see if that is doable as they will have someone who can go with you to make a statement, even if they just sit outside while you do this.

All the best

Felix125 · 14/06/2023 17:07

Absolutely horrible what has happened to you and i hope the support services are able to move you forward. Hopefully he is out of your life and never to return.

If these incidents have happened over 1 week ago, there will be no need for any medical examinations. The report will be crimed and investigated, but will only progress they way you want it to. That's is to say, if you do want to go court over it, you don't have to. Special measures will be applied for if you do want to go however.

He should be interviewed and safeguarding addressed concerning any other people he has a relationship with - after all he is a danger to others as well as yourself.

Talk to your local police about it - it needs to be crimed at the very least.

Wallywobbles · 14/06/2023 17:10

Think of it as insurance in your future. I'm afraid you will regret not doing it and taking back some power far more than you will regret doing it. It will be hard but you will be so much stronger for doing it.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 14/06/2023 17:36

Please please find the strength to report this man and let them help you get him prosecuted for the horrendous things he has done to you.

I would hope he would get a prison sentence, where he can no longer hurt you or another woman xx

Sending a massive hug 🫂

ChateauMargaux · 14/06/2023 20:15

Take one step at a time. Do only what feels right to you at the time. Surround yourself with people that believe and support you.

Should anyone question the truth of your statements, have a prepared answer.. written if needed.. that you can refer to...

All of the evidence on domestic sexual abuse points towards under reporting and under prosecution because women are not believed and are retraumatised by the processes of investigation and prosecution.

I am the victim here.. you can choose to believe me when I say what happened or you can choose to create a false narrative around what happened. I object to your attempt to discredit me and do not wish to respond to that question.

Felix125 · 14/06/2023 20:26

The police should not challenge your account. It should be accepted as you state it to them and taken from a point of view of totally belief in what you are saying.

wildfirewonder · 14/06/2023 20:30

You can ask a solicitor what the options are, what might happen. You can ask the police for information before you disclose.

You've had a horrendous time, I am so glad you're out of that situation Flowers

Summerhillsquare · 14/06/2023 21:57

You can talk this over with Rape Crisis, they won't pressure you one way or the other.

Simplycomplicated1 · 07/09/2023 11:59

@NottodaySatann , I'm so sorry to hear about this. I'm in a similar situation. Initially, I reported my ex-husband for coercive control abuse, and he's been charged and awaits trial, but that man messed my head so much that I didn't even realise I was raped, which resulted in pregnancy, and then he forced me to have an abortion. You've mentioned your ex withheld finances, it sounds like coercive control, so I think you have a solid case to report for rape and other means of control. Let me know if you have any further questions. I wish you all the best.

LaraMargot · 07/09/2023 14:51

I was on a jury that convicted a man of exactly the same (10 to 2 majority verdict) it was immensely harrowing, the two children gave video evidence. He got 17 years. The police took it very seriously.

bunglesmum12 · 27/12/2023 08:01

Hi, I am in a similar situation. I reported my partner and he was arrested end of October this year and released on bail whilst police investigate. How did you get on? I didn’t have the courage to report my partner as he was still my partner and he wasn’t like that all the time, just when he was on drunk/drugs that he would be rapey. I went to the Police station for a different matter (partner had reported my dad to the police for coming round to intervene one night) and whilst I was at the police station, it’s like they knew something else was going on at home and they went down a line of questioning and that’s when I told them.

bunglesmum12 · 27/12/2023 08:03

Goodness, do you mind me asking what sort of evidence they had please? Are you allowed to say?

RowanMayfair · 27/12/2023 08:07

bunglesmum12 · 27/12/2023 08:01

Hi, I am in a similar situation. I reported my partner and he was arrested end of October this year and released on bail whilst police investigate. How did you get on? I didn’t have the courage to report my partner as he was still my partner and he wasn’t like that all the time, just when he was on drunk/drugs that he would be rapey. I went to the Police station for a different matter (partner had reported my dad to the police for coming round to intervene one night) and whilst I was at the police station, it’s like they knew something else was going on at home and they went down a line of questioning and that’s when I told them.

You will get a lot more response if you start a new thread. Sorry this happened to you.

Original poster
NottodaySatann · 27/12/2023 12:20

Hello my love I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this as well. I will reply asap properly later on today as I’m just running about at the moment!

OP posts:
bunglesmum12 · 29/12/2023 09:05

No worries, chat soon. It’s so hard to find people who can relate isn’t it

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