Anxious attachment style

[ThisIsaNiceDress]

Is slowly ruining my life in a new relationship… any words of advice? From those who have been there? It’s such an irrational feeling but it really makes me miserable… no reasons to doubt my partner, he has been great, honest, respectful, all these things…, but when we’re not together for some time, I’m feeling sad and anxious and preoccupied… despite having made a great life for myself over the last couple of years. Now that I’m in a relationship, I’m feeling completely destabilised emotionally.
please help 🤦🏼‍♀️

I have an anxious attachment style. My wife is rather an avoidant. Unfortunatley it is the most common pairing and the subject of much relationship counselling.

I am extremely needy and feel the need for comfort and reassurance all of the time. My wife finds it suffocating and rather than a need for intimacy, has a need for space. So we spend a lot of time doing the intimacy dance.

It makes me miserable and unfortunately if you arent anxious, you wont understand.

I've often wondered if I would be happier with another anxious, as the women I have been in relationships with before seem not to need me, and this only makes me worse. I wonder if I would get the attention and affection I need from someone like me, or whether it would be like two deep-rollers

@Nightpain thats sounds an awful combination but you are right, it’s common. Does she know how you feel? Could she find a bit of a middle ground?
apparently in our situation the best way is to find someone with a secure attachment style, I’ve never heard about two anxious persons together but for sure it happens.
does anyone have any tips for how to handle it?

I would firstly check if you genuinely do have an AAS, you may have done so already. My ex had an avoidant style. Honestly our relationship was fantastic together but exhausting when we were apart. When we began dating he was incredibly intense but as the emotional connection grew he became inconsistent. One of the things I found very difficult was that if I raised an issue he couldn't talk about the issue he would see it as doom and gloom for our relationship.
We dated for about a 7 months, he never said he loved me (and never had in any relationship) he wouldn't want to plan more than 3 days away and I would drive that, he couldn't spend a complete weekend at my place. He had loads of exes as friends (a common trait in avoidants) which I never met, his life was utterly compartmentalised (another trait). I wouldn't do it again. You haven't said what style your partner is ?

I wouldn't be with anyone like that clearly your not well matched at all. Why be in relationships that actually make you miserable and don't fulfill you. I would rather be alone.

As far as I can tell he has a secure style but it’s early days and our circumstances are not ideal. None of the problems mentioned by @Livelifelaughter about him at all so I wouldn’t say avoidant, no. I do think it’s on me. Or maybe I’m wrong. It’s difficult to gauge what is enough when for you nothing is ever enough 🤷

You have to believe he's lucky to have you.

If you don't believe that why should he?

You say you have a lovely life without him, so live that bit, don't give that bit up ever for anyone.

Then you will be occupied when not with him.

I think what you're describing would probably be a codependent relationship!

@ThisIsaNiceDress I read your post then went away to read up on anxious attachment. OMG it's me!! I've been slowly destroying a good relationship due to my insecurities. I hate it. I do trust him. But I need constant reassurance and time with him which he's finding draining. He's much more secure.

I feel slightly relieved I understand more why I'm like this and that it's not the issue that has issues but me. I'm going to get a book off Amazon that I saw recommended.

@allotmentobsessive sorry to hear that. It’s a miserable way to be 😥 I’ve got the book by A. Levine and it explains things well but won’t cure anything in itself sadly. Here to chat if you want.
@frozendaisy yes of course you are right but I don’t… that’s the whole problem. My perception of myself is so skewed that you would never believe it. I know all the things I am objectively. In theory I know. But the way I feel.,, we’ll that’s another thing altogether…

Your partner was/is attracted to the independent woman, full of things in her life.

You get together and turn needy?

You say he's lovely, he wants the lovely woman you are.

Try and believe this OP.

I had accepted I wouldn't meet a lovely man, I was early 30s. That was ok, I had met some ok guys but nothing wow. I met H. He was lovely. But I was already fine without him. Two decades later he is at the other end of the sofa, Friday night tunes on, early teenage kids happy in other room.

I can still exist without him. And that is one of the many things he/we love about us.

You build a happy life together OP, not with one person holding more power than the other. Otherwise the imbalance grows. Don't let your sanity and happiness be entirely dependent on one other. Or let his be dependent on just you. Either way won't work.

I have never heard of this, it sounds like you are just falling in love with them.

It doesn’t sound like you’re in the right place for a relationship.

It’s great that when you’re together things are good. That’s great - for you.

Because clearly when you’re not together, you’re making things pretty miserable for both of you. How is that fair?

I would find this sort of needy/anxious behaviour untenable in a relationship - deal-breaker territory.

Maybe be single while you figure things out, and then embark on a relationship when you’re in a better place.

Because when you’re in a relationship, it isn’t just about one person’s needs.

@CrazyArmadilloLady whatever gave you the idea I’m making his life miserable? I was only describing myself, he knows nothing of my neediness as I’m trying to deal with it. Please don’t jump to conclusions like that it’s not helpful.

@3luckystars you might be right 😂 I’d love for you to be right…

@frozendaisy yes many things you say ring true but I think people here read too much into what I said. I was only describing my inner feelings - I have not once acted on them and on the outside I’m still the strong independent woman with a full life 😂 (and in my head - mostly him)

Not to sound cliche but I think you need to work some of your issues out. Even if you just give it a few hours with a counsellor it might be better than pushing him away (and it will drive him away).

I'm not sure how helpful it is for you to be attaching this behaviour to yourself, like it's just a permanent fixture in your life. I agree that self-awareness is important but a lot of potential partners probably won't be tolerant of it.

@ThisIsaNiceDress I found your thread and wondered how it’s going? I think I’m an anxious attached type too.