Compatible but difficult circumstances - stay or go?

[allotmentobsessive]

I could do with some views on my relationship.

I've been with my DP 2.5y but known each other 4y. We have an amazing relationship, great friends and sex is great etc. mutual interests.

However our life circumstances mean it's hard. I'm divorced, 2 DC, own home and work. Amicable relationship with exDP. She n the flip side my current DP is going through a messy divorce, has a very difficult relationship with his ex and DC. He hardly sees his child as she doesn't want a relationship with him. No fault of his other than he left an unhappy marriage. His child was told lots of untrue things by his ex.

So on to the tricky part. I would like more commitment from him. In my ideal world I'd love to live together, buy a home, share a life. However he categorically will not do that with me until the children are older/ left home. But he wants to keep his flat for his daughter. I own my home too so the onus is on me to sell to provide a deposit. He would pay half of everything and air bnb his flat to help us financially. I would have my deposit ring fenced so no issues with the finances.

It's just the waiting and everything being on his terms. I understand and respect the strong morals wanting to be there for his daughter but I'm struggling with this half life idea for years on end.

Is it worth throwing away a great relationship in these circumstances? Just because I have this strong desire for a family unit?

I’m not sure really! He’s probably going through a shit time and once it’s all resolved and settled down he might change his mind in the long run.

The question is, do you want to wait just incase he does? I’m not sure I would. Sounds like a lot of baggage to have to deal with when you aren’t getting what you need, but depends really how much he means to you. If you’re already considering not continuing I am wondering if maybe that’s the best option tbh.

Thank you @Crabbyk. I don't want to leave him. I really don't but I just keep getting sad and frustrated by the situation.

Hm. Compatibility is also about timing, and timing is super important in a relationship. He can’t give you the relationship you want, so you are not really compatible.
Waiting for someone to be ready is always a gamble. If you are ok to go with the flow without having set expectations about the outcome, if you are able to enjoy the moments together as they happen - stay. Otherwise - think twice. Putting your life on hold for someone is risky. He may be ready in a few years time - but what if his feelings change by then?

So you said yourself, all he is offering you is a half-life with a whole ton of baggage and if you want the forever after with him, its YOU that will have to compromise and finance it.
I was in a very similar relationship to you and after much soul searching decided there were too many compromises on my side, whereas he expected to get everything on his terms.
I know the sadness and frustration you're feeling, but this man cannot give you what you want, need and deserve. It's heartbreaking to accept but you need to love yourself more. X

His life is full of drama, strife and this is the way it will be.

He cannot give you what you want because he is putting himself and his daughter first and his priorities are not movable on this score.

However much he enjoys you, his priorities will remain as is.

I think if you want more, it's time to move on.

Are you really sure that the reason for his difficult relationship with his ex is not the fact that he clearly lays the law down and wants things done his way?

it’s convenient to lay the blame for an awful relationship on an ex isn’t it?

Either way, he isn’t “all in”. And that isn’t enough for you. You have a good life - kids, home, job, amicable ex. Don’t jeopardise it.

Thank you everyone. What you say is resonating. His priorities will never change. He has said he will live with me in the future. I do believe he will but it's the risk of waiting.

But I'm mid 40s. I have 'baggage' too. Is it worth throwing away a good relationship? I keep reading the horrors of online dating etc and I just don't think I could do it and I'm equally scared of being on my own.

There's not right or wrong answer. Comparability is so important. We've been conditioned to believe that nuclear families are the dream and the goal, is it what you truly desire or what you've been expecting/ planning for without scrutiny? There is no right or wrong or even complete answer one way or the other but something to mull on.

Can you be satisfied with the half life? Some people love the part time freedom with the coziness and regularity it's like the dream, for others it's really sad and a huge additional mental load.

I think it's a good sign that he is planning around his daughter despite the issues.

Relationships are always compromise. I imagine I'd stay but I can't know for sure how I'd feel.

But how is this a 'good relationship ' when it makes you feel sad and incomplete?
Not being horrible, but relationship are supposed to make you feel happy and secure, to add to and enhance your life -this doesn't sound like that at all.
But if you are happy playing second fiddle to whatever him and his dc want then carry on and wait for him. Personally at our age I would expect a lot more though.