Nesting as a transitional arrangement - and how is it for kids?

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H and I are separating. For various reasons - mainly financial - we are looking at nesting (renting a small flat that we move in and out of) until we’re able to have two separate properties (might be a year or so).

Has anyone tried this as a temporary thing? And how is it for kids? It’s always described as good for kids but I think ours (late primary age) might find it confusing?

I have done this. It's worked very well! The children were fine.

You need to have a reasonably amicable and trusting relationship with your ex though, which thankfully I have.

I think IF you can afford this it’s a perfect solution to a very imperfect situation

kids will get messed up whatever way as divorce is always messy

I’d agree a memo between you however

We're doing this. Children are very happy. It's harder on the grown ups. And it's expensive but probably cheaper than two mortgages on two small properties.

Thank you all. Can I ask in what ways it is hard for the grown ups? It’s only temporary for us (I hope) but I think we would need guidelines…

And very glad to hear kids are happy @Penelope1703 and @guineacup. Do they ever find it hard that the absent parent is staying somewhere they don’t also go to? That’s my main concern.

I think it can work it both parties are respectful of each other.

a friend of mine just ended up doing the cleaning and laundry of both properties as he left it a mess when he left each time.

You just need to have clear rules and boundaries before you commit. Who is responsible for cleaning and when, making beds, getting in the shopping (for both homes). How do you both feel if the other brought an overnight guest.

It can work really well for the children if both parents are absolutely committed to keeping their relationship low conflict. It allows more stability for the kids and less resentment from them. Where it is safe and possible it the best post-separation arrangement for kids in my opinion.

I do this and it works really well. He has his own room in the family home - he stays there 2-3 nights a week and I stay at my partner’s. He then goes back to his partner (with whom he owns a smaller house) I come home (my partner comes with me so we are together most of the time). We are very amicable and had sufficient space/funds to make it work. Kids are very happy and settled. It is a faff sometimes and I can’t always remember which clothes are where so sometimes I go into work in weird outfits, but if it was the other way the kids would forget stuff, so swings and roundabouts, I guess..

As PP said above - it’s important both partners pull their weight. My ex keeps the place tidy and takes full responsibility for everything while he is there. He shops, cooks and cleans for and during his 3 days. We ensure the bins are emptied and the place is sufficiently clean and comfortable for the other’s return. Any clubs that run on his nights he does. He sets up the kids dental appointments for his days and takes them, does shoe shopping with them, party chaperone, etc. The kids don’t lose out on anything and their lives have pretty much continued uninterrupted - when I’m not there I’m on FaceTime when needed and I could be back in half an hour if one of them wanted me (that has never happened and if they FaceTime it’s usually to complain about an exam or the quality of their dad’s snacks!). So your ex needs to fully pull his weight - That’s really important, otherwise you just end up with a messy house guest and I wouldn’t have been able to tolerate that.

Thank you all, we are amicable so I think it could work well with clear guidelines on clearing up etc…

Also how did you explain it to this kids? That’s another thing I’m wondering about. It seems simpler in one way when you both have your own houses, but I can see benefits to this too (esp for kids!)

*the kids!

That mum and dad aren't going to be married any more but otherwise things will stay pretty much the same. Mum will be in charge sometimes, sometimes Dad. Explain how often and what the changeover will be like.
My children have all seen the flat that we share but they're not hugely interested in it. My daughter says our separation 'hasn't really affected her at all really' and my son says 'it's just a new normal isn't it'

Thank you @Penelope1703 . Can I ask what ages your kids are approx?

Youngest is 11 oldest 17

We did exactly this for about a year and a half - kids were 10 & 7 at the start. It worked well for them as no adjustment to their lives apart from mum & dad splitting, which was massive. By the time we moved into two separate properties and they were more used to the split so weren’t managing the fall out of that alongside the shift to two homes and moving between them.
Ex and I were an ok split so it was manageable. We did put in rules such as at you put on clean bedsheets when leaving each house, no washing up left for the other to arrive to etc. We are both generally quite clean / tidy so that wasn’t an issue. I wasn’t so impressed to find used condoms in the bathroom bin at the flat when I got there one time and had to have words about that!
It does in some ways pause life moving forward, but was worth it for the easier transition. Got tiring moving between two but that just gave me insight into what it was going to be like for the kids.

Mine are 14 and 12, and genuinely seem fine... They can see the other parent during their "week off" if they want so they know they never need to be away from us.

I think it would have been more difficult had they been primary age...

Thanks @guineacup - do they come to the flat or do you just go around to the family house?

Also do those who nest think week on/week off is the best arrangement? We have been thinking a few days each…

Following with interest as this is what we are planning. Currently trying to sell the house and will then buy (smaller) family home plus flat. I’ll be on mortgage for house and ex for the flat as he earns less than me. DCs are aged between 10-16

Hi @Ghislainedefeligonde yes this is roughly our plan too - how do you feel about this option?

I think it’s a good option for the medium term, maybe 3-5 years tops. Beyond that I’m sure I’ll want to be settled in my own house all the time and not going back and forwards all the time

We do a 5:2:2:5 which gives us set days in the week and alternate weekends. Works well.

We did this for a while and it didn’t work at all. Well, I think the kids probably found it easier but for me it was hell.

We didn’t have a separate flat/house, I stayed with my parents when I didn’t have the kids and he stayed with his brother. He used his time in the family home to constantly go through my drawers, checked contents of bins, interfere with belongings, once he left a voice recorder in the bedroom.

He was convinced I wanted to separate because I’d met someone else (I hadn’t) and was determined to prove it so perhaps that was a factor. But things appeared amicable and some of his odd behaviour didn’t come to light straight away, so I would be wary. We lasted about 8 months before I reached the point where my nerves were shot and I was tired of feeling I had no privacy. He moved out in the end.

I know a couple that did this for a while.

Then the dad met a woman who he would have liked to have a relationship with who walked away because she understandably didn't want to be in a relationship with someone who shared a home with an ex.

This caused both of them to think about how it could impact life going forward and they decided to get separate homes. They now both have long term partners in their separate homes and the kids seem happy and well-adjusted. I think it was nice as a transitional period for them but equally they don't seem to have been damaged by the move to separate homes.