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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband or ex?

26 replies

Mybusyday · 07/06/2023 14:37

Not quite sure what to get from this, just a bit of advice I guess and to off load.
I was with my ex many years ago, we split because he couldn’t give me what I wanted in the relationship - although we were very much in love. I then met and married my DH - a complete rebound from my ex. My DH and I have been together 20 years now and I have always been in contact at a distance with my ex and he always claimed that he has never stopped loving me. My DH is not the nicest of guys really - he doesn’t work and has no intention of ever working, he is very controlling and won’t let me do anything I want to do such as see friends or go anywhere in my own, he also has a horrible temper. I’m so unhappy with him and I only stay because it would break the hearts of my DC if we split. Recently my ex has been in touch a lot and saying that he still loves me and wants us to be together - nothing has ever happened physically between us in 20 years but at the moment I am really torn as I have realised that I do still love my ex. I’m so confused as what to do - any advice?

OP posts:
AverageJoan · 07/06/2023 15:08

No real advice other than it sounds like you don't really want to be with your H regardless of what is happening with your ex, I would tackle that first

Original poster
Mybusyday · 07/06/2023 15:19

AverageJoan · 07/06/2023 15:08

No real advice other than it sounds like you don't really want to be with your H regardless of what is happening with your ex, I would tackle that first

Thank you :)

OP posts:
teadi · 07/06/2023 15:19

Exactly!!

Daffodil18 · 07/06/2023 15:20

What could he not give you though as this will make a difference? It does sound like you don’t want to be with your Husband. I wouldn’t leave my husband for someone I previously split up with as you split for a reason. However if it’s dead with your Husband then leave because of that and not for someone else as if you get with your ex then it might not be what you imagined.

teadi · 07/06/2023 15:20

Sorry meant: Exactly what @AverageJoan said!

roarfeckingroarr · 07/06/2023 15:21

Leave your husband, he sounds awful: Then consider your ex, when you're ready.

Shivvy120 · 07/06/2023 19:29

Are you romanticizing your ex because your husband isn’t a very nice person? Don’t confuse this for a reason to get into a relationship with your ex.
If you aren’t happy with your husband you should make an exit but I wouldn’t jump right into this old relationship again.

LawnmowerBlues · 07/06/2023 20:20

Would it actually break the hearts of your children if you were to separate from this unpleasant man? Why do you think that? I don't believe it.

samestyle · 07/06/2023 20:27

Just remember at the time your now DH was a better option than your ex, not saying he still is, but what makes you think your ex can give you what you want now, be careful he doesn't just want you sex.
Figure out if want to split regardless of your ex.

Izzabird · 07/06/2023 20:35

If he couldn't give you what you wanted 20 years ago, what is it that you think has changed that you're even contemplating a man you ditched two decades ago? Apart, obviously, from having married someone you don't appear to much like?

Original poster
Mybusyday · 07/06/2023 21:42

Daffodil18 · 07/06/2023 15:20

What could he not give you though as this will make a difference? It does sound like you don’t want to be with your Husband. I wouldn’t leave my husband for someone I previously split up with as you split for a reason. However if it’s dead with your Husband then leave because of that and not for someone else as if you get with your ex then it might not be what you imagined.

Thank you for replying. In my 20’s when me and my ex were together he couldn’t give me any commitment as in living together and didn’t want to get married or have children - the no children preference was the deal breaker for me so I left

OP posts:
Original poster
Mybusyday · 07/06/2023 21:43

Shivvy120 · 07/06/2023 19:29

Are you romanticizing your ex because your husband isn’t a very nice person? Don’t confuse this for a reason to get into a relationship with your ex.
If you aren’t happy with your husband you should make an exit but I wouldn’t jump right into this old relationship again.

Yeah quite possibly - it’s hard not to compare tbh

OP posts:
Original poster
Mybusyday · 07/06/2023 21:45

LawnmowerBlues · 07/06/2023 20:20

Would it actually break the hearts of your children if you were to separate from this unpleasant man? Why do you think that? I don't believe it.

Yeah it honestly would - despite everything my DH is an amazing Dad and they have raised concerns about divorce before when other family members have split and it is something they fear most

OP posts:
Original poster
Mybusyday · 07/06/2023 21:47

samestyle · 07/06/2023 20:27

Just remember at the time your now DH was a better option than your ex, not saying he still is, but what makes you think your ex can give you what you want now, be careful he doesn't just want you sex.
Figure out if want to split regardless of your ex.

That’s a good point re sex - sex was a huge thing between me and my ex when we were together so he probably thinks it will still be explosive if we got together now

OP posts:
KatyKopykat · 07/06/2023 21:48

I never understand why people say a guy is an amazing dad when they're absolutely rotten to the mother of their children. That's not even a half decent dad.

Original poster
Mybusyday · 07/06/2023 21:54

Izzabird · 07/06/2023 20:35

If he couldn't give you what you wanted 20 years ago, what is it that you think has changed that you're even contemplating a man you ditched two decades ago? Apart, obviously, from having married someone you don't appear to much like?

20 years ago I wanted marriage, children and commitment but he couldn’t give me any of that - different now as I wouldn’t want marriage or anymore kids. He has always said that he regretted not giving me what I wanted

OP posts:
NorthernGnashers · 07/06/2023 22:06

OP, just ask your ex where your DC fit in with his life if you decide to leave your DH and make a life with your ex. Don't let him say 2 years from now that he doesn't want to play happy families with your family . .just like my ex.

Original poster
Mybusyday · 07/06/2023 22:14

NorthernGnashers · 07/06/2023 22:06

OP, just ask your ex where your DC fit in with his life if you decide to leave your DH and make a life with your ex. Don't let him say 2 years from now that he doesn't want to play happy families with your family . .just like my ex.

This is something that has crossed my mind a lot and definitely a question that needs to be asked as if he is not interested them it would never happen between us

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 07/06/2023 22:15

There are two separate questions.

Useless and lazy H, that you for some reason allow to control you. How does a man who contributes nothing to the family gets to tell you when you can (not) see your friends, etc.
And why do you think it’s a good example of relationships for your children to see - do you want your Dd to find a man like this? Or if you have Ds - is this the kind of man you want to raise in him?
At a min - you need to find and establish your boundaries and stop letting him walk over you.

As to your Ex. You are not ‘in love with him’. You have a history and he gives you something to fantasise about. Especially as you need to have an escape from your life.
You are different people now from who you were back in the day. You may or may not work as a couple now.

But first things first - you need to either sort out your marriage or leave.
Kids will be OK. They won’t if you stay in an abusive marriage that you are in.

Dery · 07/06/2023 22:20

“Useless and lazy H, that you for some reason allow to control you. How does a man who contributes nothing to the family gets to tell you when you can (not) see your friends, etc.
And why do you think it’s a good example of relationships for your children to see - do you want your Dd to find a man like this? Or if you have Ds - is this the kind of man you want to raise in him?
At a min - you need to find and establish your boundaries and stop letting him walk over you.”

This.

Ihaveoflate · 07/06/2023 22:25

It's not (or shouldn't be) a choice between two men. The ex is a red herring. The real issue is how you should end your current marriage. Don't even think about another relationship until you're fully healed from this one. If the ex is the real deal, he'll respect that.

WunWun · 07/06/2023 22:40

It is far, far worse for your kids to stay in an unhappy and abusive marriage than to briefly "break their hearts".

LawnmowerBlues · 08/06/2023 06:40

Mybusyday · 07/06/2023 21:45

Yeah it honestly would - despite everything my DH is an amazing Dad and they have raised concerns about divorce before when other family members have split and it is something they fear most

Show quote history

OK. Perhaps there is an element here of the kids picking up on the obvious tensions and unhappiness, and worrying that divorce would mean all of that turned up to the max. When ideally, divorce could mean the beginning of the end of all that. I think the kids know it's on the cards and fear the unknown. But it has to happen. Just make sure you do it well, get all the right professional help. It is not good for them to live in a household as you describe. Imagine your kids seeing you happy and free - that's good for them. Your H can still be the "great dad" he is without being married to you - and a great dad will put the kids first in a divorce and seek to minimise conflict for their sake.

Original poster
Mybusyday · 08/06/2023 06:48

LawnmowerBlues · 08/06/2023 06:40

OK. Perhaps there is an element here of the kids picking up on the obvious tensions and unhappiness, and worrying that divorce would mean all of that turned up to the max. When ideally, divorce could mean the beginning of the end of all that. I think the kids know it's on the cards and fear the unknown. But it has to happen. Just make sure you do it well, get all the right professional help. It is not good for them to live in a household as you describe. Imagine your kids seeing you happy and free - that's good for them. Your H can still be the "great dad" he is without being married to you - and a great dad will put the kids first in a divorce and seek to minimise conflict for their sake.

Show quote history

@LawnmowerBlues thank you xx

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 08/06/2023 07:13

Children always fear their parents divorcing. Not because it will destroy them because their dad is so great but because they fear the change, the unknown and they can't picture a life that is different from the one they are living. They will also be affected by his temper and living with a constant low level anxiety. They have attributed that to a fear of you divorcing but its actually a fear of him being around.

My children were no different and yet my eldest was happier within a few months of us splitting up because I was happier and the atmosphere in the house had totally changed.

I also wonder why you let a man who contributes so little control what you do, where you go and who you see. I've seen this before - a woman who holds all the cards treating the man as though he does. Why? Because you're also living with the same low level anxiety that they are.

Take the ex out of the equation for now. He is the impetus for you reconsidering your relationship but it isn't a choice between your husband and your ex. It's a choice between living as you are now and living a life free from it. And then, when you have healed from this situation, you will be in a place to think about another relationship.