Over analysing new potential dates after being betrayed??

[Ontime]

I have been cheated on twice by two ex partners in the most horrendous ways. My sons dad led a double life for a year and a half and got the woman pregnant behind my back, and my last ex was going behind my back with prostitutes. Basically 20 years of my life so far wasted on the two idiots who I trusted and loved. Anyway, I have been single now for 4 months and an old work colleague has been in touch with me. He has told me how much he likes me, he is going through a divorce at the moment, says his wife just fell out of love with him and they split last Xmas. We are still both going through the healing period obviously, but I am trying to look for red flags now. We went for a run together last Sunday, and we both fancy each other, but sometimes he messages me all day saying he can't stop thinking about me and he wants to kiss me etc. Then last night he was a bit more distant with me and didnt reply ro my messages last night and messaged me at 5.30am this morning saying sorry he had crashed (fallen asleep). Are these all red flags? Do I jib him off? Meet up still for chats and walks? I don't want to get burnt again x

He also has a lot of red flags around him namely, "He has told me how much he likes me, he is going through a divorce at the moment, says his wife just fell out of love with him and they split last Xmas". Men who are still going through a divorce need a wide swerve anyway. I'm certain his current wife would be thrilled to bits, not, that her H has been for a run with you not just to say that he wants to kiss you. After all you both barely know each other even if you were work colleagues. You can do better than he and I would not bother meeting him further. Now he has not got what he wants i.e you in bed he's cooled right off.

Your boundaries here, already mashed somewhat by previous poor experience, are being further got at by this still married man. Continue healing on your own and read also "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood.

He was working long hours yesterday and twisted his ankle so not sure if that's to do with him crashing out before messaging me back. I just think dating is dead complicated. If they text too much thats a red flag, and not enough thats a red flag too. He has his own flat but no i'd defo not be sleeping with him obviously. So best to date someone once their divorce is finalised too? We've only been for 1 run and he wants to run again but with our running club so it won't just be the 2 of us. Maybe I should just block him 🤔

Steer clear op. He will be after a rebound. The constant messages sound needy and weird.

How well does he even know you to like you so much?

We worked together for about 3 years, but he used to get on my nerves. Haha. We are physically attracted to each other but yeah I don't want to get burnt.

Lack of finalised divorce isn't neccesarily a red flag, to me it's moreso - how far out from separation are they (sounds like not much)? Is the divorce likely to be bloody? Because that's a nightmare to go through with a partner. I tended to stick to people (when OLD) who were 3 years out from separation. Had a distinct child contact schedule - e.g. no looking after the kids at ex's house etc. Amicable relations with ex but not codependant. Tbh i'd swerve him for dating, you can be pals still surely?

It's the "going through a divorce" and "messages all day" that are red flags to me, not because he twisted his ankle and crashed out early, which sounds perfectly normal.

It took bloody years for my divorce to come through so I wouldn't dismiss on that alone! (2 years for finances but 8 years for children residency).

When we met up for a run we literally just talked about running and races etc. Neither of us mentioned our ex's, it was nice to have a catch up but at the same time I could feel the attraction between us. I suppose blocking him might be a bit drastic like....he's not been as full on today which is good. He's just sent a few messages about running club.

Red flags are things that bother you, op, not a list of rules he has to follow.

The number of messages isn’t a red flag - too many or too few is entirely personal. It’s the inconsistency that is potentially a problem. Loads when it’s convenient for him and then dropping you when soemthing else comes along.

If you’re dating he should want to speak to you regularly regardless of what’s going with him. Whether regular for you is once a day or 7/8 times a day isn’t important. It’s feeling considered and like you matter that’s important. I would say proceed with caution, cool things down on the days he’s messaging you more so that it doesn’t become the expectation and see how things progress with the divorce before deciding if he’s worth a go.

So he invited me the pub for a pub quiz tonight which I agreed to. But now he's asked if his other female friend can come too. I'm so confused.

If you're confused, ask him for clarity. If you can't or won't, don't date him, because you don't have a good match, communication-wise.

Yeah I think I will just not go but make up an excuse. On one hand he's telling me he wants to meet me and really fancies me and on the other hand he's now bringing another woman along with him. If my head is wrecked now it's only going to get worse.

I was going to say, give him a chance!

I don't think the pub quiz thing I that weird OP - it can be less intense to start hanging out together more in different ways - with other people sometimes, or alone sometimes. I wouldn't want to do a pub quiz with just two on a team - too much pressure! Would expect there to be a couple of others.

I think we need to get to know each other first before others come into the equation. I don't know him that well. If there was a group of us doing the quiz who we both knew I think that would be fine, but if its just me, him and another woman (the 3 of us) I think it will feel a bit awkward.