My ex DP isnt like any other human i have ever met

[CherryPosset]

but it took decades for me to see it.
I am a bit ashamed to say that, but such is life.

My first DH died when we were 30, not something i wish to go into, but we have one adult DS who is now doing great. 4 yrs later i met my DP and we split 6 months ago.

What confuses me is how he is like no one i have ever met, emotionally. He was definitely into me, and we lasted a long time, but towards the end some stuff really caught up with me.

He doesnt seem to care about anything outside of his own work. He never wanted to live together properly, or plan anything. He never enquired of who i was, or seemed to feel hurt at the idea of not being with me. Strange though -- he never liked the idea of me having sex with anyone else.
So eventually i had this feeling i was just a thing he owned. like a cute possession, even though he is a deeply intelligent man, i grew to think this was odd.
Now this guy had no assets whatsoever, has lived a life of passion for his work and never cared about money. I don't mind that, but as i have grown older it seems strange to not want at least some deeper emotional connection and security.

Since splitting, after years of feeling he was contemptuous of me (routine i guess) i have come to see that he is so unlike most other people i have ever met. He really doesnt seem to care at all about anything, whether that's losing me or his own future. He now lives in a total shit hole, after leaving my house which I pay for (rent, although he did pay his way). He just seems totally content to have no interest in life, nature, people, or anything.

I am repairing from this obviously and would love some encouragement as i am someone who wants to taste life. I lived for years in a sexless, routine existence where i was blamed for his ED and his reticence. Apparently a man i met in my early 20's for one month pissed him off. I now know that he held that against me for decades, and whilst acting as if he cares, seems to want to see me fail.

He is my current only friend, and I am not an unconfident person, ujust a person who has obvs made a shit decision and now wishes to fly like a bird and live my life to the full. But i am still reeling, and would love some words of confidence or encouragement. I am not interested in meeting anyone else, and wish to move far away and have a real new start.
my parents died a few years ago, my beloved cat, and my best friend. I am free to do what I like due to a small amount of savings, and would love to move on.

Just tell me im not weird for thinking that relationship was off. I shouldnt need permission but i am still a bit shaky.

Well done on getting free of this man. He sounds incapable of a normal relationship and has damaged your self-esteem to keep you from seeing the truth. You are not weird at all.

Bab steps and all that and you'll rebuild your confidence and find your feet. He sounds distinctly odd and you're well shot

i have lived like this for so long its done a number on my head.
All i have seen or known is this quiet anger towards me, even when discussing a cup of tea. If i take it to task i am told i am wrong, that there is nothing the matter.
I feel duped, completely worn down.
I am so ready to move on from this but I think i need to get angry.

He stopped having sex many years ago he said due to ED. He said the ED was because i wasnt on the pill - couldnt take it due to a health issue.
Then he brought up some brief affair i had had in my early 20's and kept going on about it whenever he'd had a drink. This baffled me and left me helpless as it was so long ago and i cant recall doing anything wrong.

God i am so ashamed to have put up with this as i am a strong person usually.

Oh my goodness, what are your plans to get a new life ? I wasted 21 years of my life on a man . Never again. Go for it. I'm very happy now

well ive really messed up!
I have decent savings but no other security, which is ok, i am self employed but even that has decreased since covid.
I am pretty much free to go, and a bit overwhelmed about what to do.

God, even when i tell him how i feel he doesnt even get it! It is like a complete brain block. He doesnt seem to have any need, feelings or remorse.

Even before I got to where you’d written it I thought he sees you as his possession. You know you’re well shot of him don’t you?
Do you think some counselling would help so you can talk him out? It might help to get out all the anger you can say what you need to to get rid of him from yoyr head for ever.
And maybe some new friends? Social groups where you live, book clubs, hobbies.
And if you can book a holiday, I’ve found getting away somewhere on my own really helped.

First things first. He is not your friend. It may feel comfortable to talk to him but that is solely due to his familiarity, and not because he brings anything positive to your life.

It doesn't sound as though you were married or that you had DC together, so what drives you to stay in contact with him? Is it loneliness?

He sounds like a nutter. Definitely move away. Think about what you like to be surrounded by and choose that. So I find trees and woods calming. We bought a house that backs onto a wood. Get involved in the local community and you will soon meet new ( normal) people

"fly like a bird and live my life to the full"

THIS is the bit to focus on. You're well shot of him. Plan your new life!

Why are you still in contact with him? He sounds awful. Cut him loose and work out, with help if needed, how you are going to recover and live a happy life.

Agree with baby steps but maybe some counselling or seeing someone like a life coach might help.

But you've split? Why are you still obsessing over him?

God he sounds like my ex. Details aren't exactly the same but behaviour definitely is. @Thepleasureofyourcompany it's not as simple as just walk away, it's also not obsessing over him exactly but the situation you find yourself in through wasting years on such an individual.

As PPs said he isn't your friend, even if he's the only person you know well. More perhaps them moving geographically I think you should focus on moving towards other more genuine warm normal people. A rewarding way of doing this might be via a shared endeavour such as getting an allotment, joining a choir, going to a parkrun or to church etc.

There are some lovely warm friendly chatty people out there. They don't need to know about Mr Weird, you can chat about shoes or the weather, and you can soak in a little genuine human contact, like a kind of moisturiser for your soul 💐💐

Are you able to access therapy to help you move through this next phase ?
You have a fresh new start at life, please take run as far away from this relationship as you can.
Google the Freedom project - it's often recommended on here for similar circumstances and might be helpful if you're unable to afford therapy at the moment.
Best of luck carving out your new life, with new friends - he is not one you should keep as a friend!

I understand that you are free of him legally and financially. But you are not free mentally as he has abused and controlled you for years . So it’s not so easy just to walk away.

Please enroll for the Freedom Programme and do the course . Abuse isn’t just physical. And get some individual counselling .

Be kind to yourself , this isn’t something you get over in a few weeks. But you are doing the right thing to get away from him .

Sorry I didn’t refresh the page and see that the PP has just said the same thing .

In a similar situation, just checked out the freedom project and found it awful, barely any of the links work, and it seems they want 12 pounds to read a single fucking page. Fuck that. So helpful.

Thank you for the comments.
I think that I am going through a sort of learning process. It might be hard to describe this here without writing a novel, but it is good to hear this isnt so unusual.

I have 40k but dont quite know where i want to go. I am open and optimistic, but have lost (deceased) most of my family and my friends have moved away. I dont have mental health issues but am quite at sea. I am also a bit unusual in the sense that I never quite desired a conventional lifestyle (mortgage, regular job, etc).

I am self employed and wfh, but am worse off since covid. I dont desire a new, conventional relationship nor do i crave home ownership. I guess these reasons make me a bit of an outlier on MN!

I'm not sure what you want people to say?

Find a passion, something that you love and do that? Get out more?