So confused

[EveryCloudd]

Hi everyone. Long story short my fiancée sent me a screenshot of something his mum sent him completely irrelevant to this post. But I noticed all his prev messages had been deleted and just asked out of curiosity why.
I was told he had a conversation with his mum about his dad and that it was private.
I said I didn't understand because if he hadn't sent a screenshot I wouldn't have even known anyway it's not like I go through his phone.
Then it all blew up. He said I would've thrown whatever was on there back in his face.
I'm completely thrown back by this.
I don't know if I feel hurt that he can't talk to me about whatever's happening with his dad since we always discuss what's happening with my family and his when there's been issues to support each other.
Or whether I now feel now slightly anxious as to what I could've possibly thrown back his face?
I'm an over thinker and nothing like this has ever happened. Any advice? Do I just leave it alone?
I asked what made him think I would've even seen the conversation to have anything to throw back at him and he said he knew if he sent a screenshot and I saw the missing messages I would've snooped. I'm so confused!
I've never had any urge to read his messages 🤯

Sorry, if you're confused how do you think we feel?

Advice? You talk to your partner, and you say calmly how you feel. Then you take it from there.

If you can't do that, you end the relationship.

I can understand why you are upset OP. It sounds like he is feeling guilty about something and is attacking you as a form of defence .

So the more you ask him to explain his comments, the more he will attack you because he knows he is in the wrong .

Do you and he have different views about what should be kept private in a relationship ?

Id leave the issue for now but treat it as a small red flag. Which means watch out for any other ways that you feel is is treating you unfairly.

Only asking if how I'm feeling is unreasonable. Or whether the fact I'm a little hurt by it is justified. This is a relationship advice thread after all 🤷‍♀️

Your feelings aren't supposed to be reasonable. Your partner is supposed to respect them.

For example, your fear of spiders is completely irrational. A decent partner will remove spiders from the house without mentioning it to you. A not so nice partner will catch the spider and show it to you. A horrible partner will tell you it's there and that you have to move it, or catch it and throw it in your face.

It's not about your feelings being reasonable or rational; it's about how your partner deals with your feelings. All you can do is to say calmly how you feel. Doesn't matter if it seems weird/whacky/ridiculous; you have to respect how you feel, and the people you choose to have in your life have to respect how you feel. That's how you choose who to have in your life. That's how you can tell whether people care about you or not. Do they respect your feelings?

Does your partner care about how you feel?

No we've always been really open about everything. It's come as a complete shock.
We've always been good at discussing things and working on things we never really butt heads over anything it's just all flowed naturally if that makes sense 🥺

If it wasn't about you then just drop it. Nice to know he protects his mums privacy and that means he must be the same way about you . It's a good thing in my opinion

In my experience being confused by your partner in a relationship means you're being manipulated...hopefully I'm wrong

Yes he's never given me any reason at all to believe he doesn't care about how I feel. He's very sensitive himself and has a lot of emotional warmth and affection and is always ready to listen. This is why this has completely shocked me. If I've told him I'm upset in the past he's been willing to listen and we've figured things out and moved on 😧

He said I would've thrown whatever was on there back in his face

I don't think it's a good idea to drop this. Not because of what might have been on there, but because of the accusation about what OP's behaviour would have been.

I don’t understand why you needed to quiz him about his previous messages with his mum. He gave a perfectly reasonable response the first time you asked, but then you demanded to know more, I don’t understand why.

Yes he's never given me any reason at all to believe he doesn't care about how I feel

That's an odd way to put it. As if you're assuming he cares how you feel? Rather than certainty?

I'm with you OP. Deleting all messages is completely weird when he could have just cropped the screenshot to show what he wanted you to see.
For those saying you're being unreasonable, I'd say you know whats normal in your relationship and what's not. If it feels off to you, trust your gut.

@Watchkeys clutching at straws. Usual form, I see. Good try

It was very odd. Or he could've just told me what she said I didn't need to see it. He doesn't need to delete things I would never have known or seen it anyway. It's just that defensive reaction that's really set me back

I understand that, it's not just the deleting, it's the DARVO reaction. Alarm bells

Also I hadn't even questioned what was discussed. He just jumped to a conclusion that if he told me there's someone I would've been able to throw in his face 🤯 I'm sure that's enough to make anyone a little curious 🧐

Did he delete all messages from everyone or just his mum ?

I wouldn't know because I don't know who he messages anyway 🙁 I only saw the screenshot he sent me

I'd be tempted to have a look now and see if all conversations are gone or not

So it's about someone he talked about, rather than something he was talking about? Waa he previously married, have kids?

And now I think about it he didn't need to make that comment about you throwing something in his face . No need for that

Dodgy as fuck

What does this mean? Could you elaborate please?