My partner of 20 years has been abusive for a long time but I’m only just realising what’s been happening. Especially since we had our three children, his behaviour has become worse. I know it sounds ridiculous but I was young when we met and somehow I’ve come to see this behaviour as normal.
I’ve been reading up a lot about emotional abuse and coercive control and it’s like a lightbulb moment where I’ve suddenly realised what’s been going on all this time. Maybe it isn’t me? Maybe it’s been him all along.
Here are some examples:
• he can be verbally abusive; in the past he’s called me a fucking retard, a bitch and most recently told me to fuck off in front of two of our children
• he puts me down, will call me boring for example (mainly because I don’t drink alcohol anymore). He also makes fun of my job because it isn’t particularly well-paid. He makes a lot of sarcastic and hurtful comments, and will mock the things I say/do quite frequently.
• he will ignore me for days or weeks on end if I’ve either done something wrong or if something else has happened in his life (eg at work). If I ask him what is wrong, he will blame me, or he will deny that he’s ignoring me and will say it’s me ignoring him. He seems to blame me for everything that he sees as wrong in his life. He is generally very unhappy and bitter, although he actually has a good life as far as I can see.
• he abuses alcohol and has for many years. I don’t know whether he’s an alcoholic because he can and does sometimes stop drinking, but he always starts again. He doesn’t usually drink during the week but will start drinking at 1pm on a Saturday afternoon and then drink all afternoon and evening (at home). His behaviour becomes progressively worse the more he drinks, sometimes he can be quite nice/loud/fun but often he is rude and mean. He’ll also do things like deliberately playing music loudly when the children are meant to be going to sleep. I have begged him not to drink or to at least wait until later in the day but he doesn’t listen.
• he isn’t physically abusive in that he doesn’t lay his hands on me, but when he’s in one of his moods he will slam doors, storm around the house and act in what I believe is an intimidating way on purpose, to make me anxious - for example standing at a doorway and just staring at me, or at one of the children.
• I never know what mood he will be in - he will often come home and not even say hello for example. I feel I’m always walking on eggshells trying to anticipate what he wants and to avoid conflicts. I feel anxious a lot of the time when he’s home or when he’s due back. I feel relieved when he’s out.
• he can be horrible to our 3 children, ignoring them and withdrawing any emotional support if they have done or said something that he doesn’t like. This is happening more as they get older (two are teenagers). They have also witnessed how he treats and speaks to me.
• he has ruined many special occasions and birthdays over the years.
I’m sure there is more but this is just a list I’ve made over the last few days while thinking about everything.
I want to leave him but we are very financially intertwined - not married but joint mortgage on family home and also own 2 rental properties jointly, with mortgages (deposits paid for with my inheritance though).
I know I need to see a solicitor to find out how to proceed. But is there any way I can make him leave the family home due to his behaviour? How could I possibly prove any of this? Each thing on its own sounds quite trivial and I don’t know how I’d explain what he’s like to anyone else. I feel so trapped.
I don’t have anywhere to go and also don’t want to uproot my kids from their home. Any advice appreciated!