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Relationships

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Original poster

Feel like we're ageing at different rates

13 replies

FrankieAurora · 06/06/2023 15:24

Has anyone experienced this and what did you do?

I'm 45 and DH is 48 so we're quite close in age. However I feel that he's growing older faster than me, if you see what I mean- he wants to retire in 5 years if we can afford it and plans to spend his retirement pottering in the garden. He wouldn't come to a gig with me the other day on the basis that he was "too old" and he's started getting a bit fuddy-duddy about things (eg if someone swears in a film). He never used to be like this and it does seem to be age-related.

I really feel the opposite- my career is gearing up again now our DC are older, I still enjoy doing the same sorts of things I used to and listening to new music and so on. He makes me feel that it's a bit embarrassing to do this and that I should act my age (to be clear, he doesn't say this to me- it's more that I feel it because of the contrast between us).

He is a great husband and I love him but I can see this becoming an issue, especially when he retires.

Just wondered how other people had dealt with this sort of thing?

OP posts:

hugefanofcheese · 06/06/2023 17:43

Just to say please don't let him shame you into stopping the things you love doing, you sound really good fun! I would pull that side of things up quite sharply and remind him there is no upper age limit on seeing bands/ trying new things etc.

Has he got any worries or health issues that might be sapping his energy? Could it be work stress, sick of his job and can't see a solution other than aging out?

nachotemple · 06/06/2023 17:47

how is your relationship otherwise?

mambojambodothetango · 06/06/2023 17:59

I gather this is quite a common male/female thing at this age. No advice really but just know you're not alone!

alpenguin · 06/06/2023 18:02

The age difference is the same but I’m the older one. We went out recently with much younger colleagues of mine and I was embarrassed by my partners behaviour. He was like an oldman telling dad jokes and goofing around. I’d never seen him like that before and I did cringe a bit. He was always so versatile before.

Chypre · 06/06/2023 18:05

I'm gonna leave it here....
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/male-menopause/

BitOutOfPractice · 06/06/2023 18:06

I’m ten years older than you op my DP another 5 years older still. We are really enjoying our time now before retirement. Gigs, theatre, holidays, gym, our local, friends. Life really is too short.

Maplelady · 06/06/2023 21:56

This is definitely ‘a thing’ in lots of men as they get older. I respect the guy for thinking about the future and not living like he’ll be young forever bur I can also see why you’d feel quite trapped by his visions for the future. It wouldn’t exactly fill me with passion and excitement. I mean if he’s happy to do his thing and you do yours could that work?

Original poster

FrankieAurora · 07/06/2023 07:24

Thanks, everyone. It's a tough one. Our relationship is generally very good, it's just he's planning things at 48 that I imagined would be our lives at 68!

Think we need to talk about the retirement question in particular.

OP posts:

LuciferRising · 07/06/2023 07:28

I'm mid 40s and DH is 11 years older. He's really putting in effort to stay active and young. I think he'd do anything I asked. 48 is still very young.

acpk55 · 07/06/2023 07:29

Retiring by 55 sounds great to me, especially if he’s done say 30 to 35 years of work

wildfirewonder · 07/06/2023 08:36

he doesn't say this to me- it's more that I feel it because of the contrast between us I think you need to think whether this is a him problem or a you problem, or a bit of both.

If he wants to slow down a bit, do some gardening, there is nothing wrong with that and I do not classify that as 'old' behaviour - I know young people who garden and very old people who are still going to gigs. People have different interests.

So long as you can do what you want, he can do what he wants and the time you spend together is enjoyable, it doesn't matter if you are choosing to live at different speeds so long as each is happy.

Having partners who are more/less sociable in relationships is normal, and things like music tastes shouldn't matter really.

dreamonlucid · 07/06/2023 08:42

I'd like to retire at 55 and I'm his age.

But my plans for retirement are so far away from pottering, some travel, living overseas again for a few years, keeping active and having fun, ideally love to buy somewhere in Europe and spend time driving around and exploring different countries.

My DH is 53 and likes a good garden potter but if he started talking like this I think I'd be out before I got too old to enjoy my life, he's coming along for the ride.

Could you not just talk to him tell him your fears ask if he's ok? He maybe a bit sad or worried about old age and can't see past the potter? Maybe that's what his parents did so he sees it as normal progression?

Ragwort · 07/06/2023 08:46

Can he afford to retire? My DH is younger than me and has retired .. he is so much happier than when he was working in a stressful career .. yes he does potter in the garden but he 100% looks after it, grows lovely veg etc .. he also goes hiking, volunteering, sports, seeing friends etc. He doesn't expect me to retire as well or fill in need for companionship or a social life ... we are happy and confident with our own life choices ... could that work for you?

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