Worried about my parents becoming very insular

[thedreamisnotthereality]

I am an only child and my parents have always been very involved in my life. Theyve never been the kind of parents who were very social, having dinner parties, out lots etc. Growing up it was the three of us and some extended family visits but never hanging out with family friends etc. Also, they dont live close by anymore (6 hour drive away).

As they get older, its just the two of them. Neither of them have any friends (they didnt really when I was growing up, just acquaintances) and make no effort with any hobbies apart from gardening. On top of this they do not have a happy marriage. They tolerate each other but because of past events their relationship is not particularly happy. They will never leave each other. My dad is getting more and more angry as years go on and I dont really know why and he is oblivious to his aggression. He used to be such a positive person and now he just wants to argue and find negativity in everyone inlcuding me and my husband. He seems to love to criticise.

I am such an idealist, so this is so hard to comes to terms with that my family is just not what I would hope. I make so much effort with friends and family and dont want to repeat a life like this.

I am worried they are living such an isolated life and at the same time I feel pressure to see them and spend time with them as they have so little going on. Should I stop worrying?

You can’t change them if they don’t want to change. Just live your own life the way you want to and let them live theirs.

I agree with pp. Your parents are adults and have made their own choices about their life. They're not your responsibility. If they're unhappy then it's up to them to make changes.

I think this is more the norm than you realise after a certain age. I know several couples in our wider family who are exactly like this. They aren't happy together, recognise they are in an abusive relationship, but have just accepted that's their lot and they are waiting out the other person dying. If they have capacity, it's their choice. Where possible, we do support them to get some freedom, days or weekends away to get a break, but I suspect that change is hard at that age, as is admitting that you got it wrong at a certain point and maybe should have bailed when it would have been easier. But I do accept it's their decision to make.

But to answer your question, yes, you should stop worrying. My mum actually ran off with a man she met and has NC now with me or her grandchildren. That makes it should more dramatic than it is. Basically, she met a loser and chose him over us and will have no relationship with us going forward as we are completely NC now. He has also isolated her from many of her oldest friends and they have moved probably 6 times since they met 15 years ago, all to completely different parts of the country, so it's meant she has lost even new friendships and connections. I used to tie myself up in knots trying to convince her to see sense about it all. But life is much easier after I accepted it and let the situation go. It's her choice. It's an awful choice. But it's hers to make. I can only live my own best life.

Thank you for all the comments, I really appreciate it

They are adults who have made their own choices. They are not your responsibility. Just get on with your own life and leave them to it.

You have taken the best out of your situation, because you have determined to be closer with family and friends than your parents. I hope you achieve your goal.

with your own parents, do they ask ( nag) you to see them, or do you just feel self inflicted pressure (‘responsibility’) to visit, and to try to broaden their horizons? I’m nearer their age than yours, and for many of us, the shrinking of our world is something we quite welcome. Energy and enthusiasm can decline with age ( typing this in bed 😔) .I think men in particular rather enjoy a good rant at a world which has changed since ‘their day’.

Anyway, you can’t live their lives for them, especially since they are so far away; just keep in touch, be supportive and try not to worry. I used to let my mother rant on, sometimes I would just put the phone down on the desk and get on with something, occasionally picking it up to say, oh yes,,or hmmmm. I do this with DSIL, too. She enjoyed it.

🌺

That is so true - 'Its and awful choice but hers to make' thank you I have found your post really helpful and I am sad to read things are not the way you want them to be with your mother. Like you say, we all need to try and live our best lives rather then trying to fix everyone elses!

thankyou for your message. No my parents dont overtly pressure me to go and see them but I do feel a duty (and for my daughter) to see them as regularly as we can being so far away. I guess what doesnt help is when we do see each other it has to be for at least a couple of days because of the distance so its not like we can just pop to lunch and pop back home again. But again their decision to move to the North of France which I totally am happy for them but its a long way from their only child and family!
I will certainly try to worry less and just do what I can but I know I need to prioritise my own family. I need to get this perfect dream scenario of a wonderful family, parents and in laws out of my head that I think everyone else has!