I had a tiff with my mum - no major argument or anything - but I feel incredibly guilty

[KatyMac]

It was about my birthday party

She wanted to have it at her house

But if all I invited was immediate family & the guys I work with the house would be full

So no DH family, no friends, no cousins, non of my customers etc

I want a party at the village hall - everyone can come - big bun fight - lots of fun/stress/food/booze

But my mum can't 'do' that party for me, as I always do everything for everyone else {hmm]?

She want to 'do' it for me as if it's at the village hall as it will be so big

I feel really bad I want it my way & selfish

Don't feel guilty, I do this with my Mum all the time i.e. 'don't argue', yet somehow feel like I've had an arguement ! Could you give her one specific 'very special' thing to sort for you, like the cake or something? My Mum usually just wants to feel needed when we have these non-arguements.

Oh she is doing the cake

Actually I thin she is getting a copy of the cake I had when I was 18 - a cushion with a lady in a crinoline 'embroidered' on it, lace & ribbon round it

I know she had the photos out

It's silly to feel like this

I had that cake too!
It isn't daft to feel guilty, sometimes I reckon mothers are programmed to instill guilt at least bi-monthly! Could she help you with the guest list, food planning etc (although could just be setting yourself up for more arguements this way!)

Really?

Mine was an actually embroidery patten that I was sewing at the time & all the icing was done in 'stitches'

She will help with the food & that but I agree about the arguing

Yes, sounds very similar, a cushion with one of those 'toilet roll holder dollies' on it - how spooky! Good luck with the party planning. Just repeat many times over the next few weeks how much you appreciate your Mum's help and couldn't have done this without her support etc and your guilt will disappear!

Ummm...who's birthday is it again? And who is organising it?

'always do everything for everyone else'

WHAT! This is YOUR birthday?!?! SHe wants a party for her birthday at her house that is her lookout...

She wants you to feel selfish and bad about it. Then you will do it her way. And she will be happy.

Stick to your plans for the village hall, this is YOUR day.

Perhaps you could suggest that your mum 'does' a special close family only party at her house and that you have the larger, less intimate party for everyone else at the village hall. Of course you won't be able to 'do' the party at the village hall without your mums help - everyone happy???

have two parties

family one at mum's house

big bash at village hall

Only the Queen has two birthdays

Katy, I can't speak from experience of my own mother, who's long dead and not practical when alive(!), but I speak from experience of MIL.

If you allow your mum to have her own way with this, it will never, ever end. There is no reason on earth why she can't attend your party at the village hall and enjoy herself and be fussy and practical and all the other things that mums are supposed to be.

Much as you undoubtedly love her, she is being controlling. You're all grown up now, and she has to accept this.

Seems to me your mum wants to do something special for your birthday as you always work hard for everyone else, and why shouldn't she! No indication from your OP that your mum is controlling in other areas of your life. When we're grown mums often feel pushed out and useless (personal experience with my own mum). IMO it would be a kind and loving thing to let your mum do this for you and you can still have your own way with a separate 'big bash'

Happy birthday btw

Gosh it's not for months yet

I know I need to relax about it - she isn't controlling she just wants to 'treat' me so I don't have to do all the work

as long as you make all the decisions, she's welcome to treat you!

it's not 'doing something nice for you' if you don't want it!