Toxic mother

[Cupcakes19]

I’ve always felt I’ve had a strange relationship with my mum. I felt like at times I just couldn’t please her. Thankfully I don’t live close by & don’t see her often. I did see her over the weekend whilst visiting other family and the way she acted towards me has made me realise she’s toxic.

We met up with my brother & his small dc, took them to the zoo. From the moment we set foot in the place she did nothing complain & was very rude to staff. She continued to moan throughout the day and make negative comments it was draining. So I told her to shh, stop, enough now. She turned round to me and shouted in front of everyone who did I think I was and who did I think I was talking to?! Then told me I was just so snappy & made out she was the victim. It’s just since this made me realise what a toxic woman she is.

Over the years she’s criticised my parenting, on my wedding day she did nothing but complain & even had a go at me in front of guests over petty stuff like her cousin & the seating plan. When i had a miscarriage she said I was probably stressed with work & that's why. When I was younger she would get involved in friendship fallouts.
At a secondary parents evening she said to the teacher she couldn’t believe how good/well behaved (I got good grades, etc) I was & wondered what she had done wrong. Embarrassed me in front on family members by shouting, telling me I’m lazy & would at times act up if she didn’t like being in control.

I haven’t spoken to her since the day out. Feel like I need to distance myself from her.

It took me many years to see NC with my parents was for the best.
I was the whipping child, criticised and put down in front of others.
She did things to me as a child that I can never forgive but it took her knocking me so a loved family member was hurt and upset to make me realise enough was enough.
Thats their personality, it’s not going to change. You can cut contact, you don’t have to see or speak to her again if you don’t want to.

Its not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way. I would suggest you read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward as a starting point and have a read of/post on the current "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationship pages.

She used DARVO on you at the zoo; that is deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. She denied the behaviour, attacked you for doing the confronting, and reversed the roles of Victim and Offender, so the perpetrator (she) assumes the victim role and the victim (you) becomes the alleged offender.

I would keep your distance, both mental and physical, from her and lower these further to a point of zero.

I have a toxic mother. I love her and if I wrote out everything I know the overwhelming response would be to stay NC forever. I don't succeed at this and am constantly sucked back in by flying monkeys who I also love. I'm currently NC but soon enough there will be another funeral/wedding I'll be sucked in again in having to interact until the next time it blows up in my face

Thank you for your replies. Sorry you are in the same position. I will definitely take a look at thread & book.
xxx

Me and my mum used to be very close and as I started growing up and speaking to her less about my problems I found her becoming invading and controlling. I’m currently 20 years old at uni and overall I’d like to say I’m pretty independent I rarely ask for money only when I have to and when I have had money I’ve always treated my mum. Currently we’re on a family holiday in Bali and as I’ve grown up I’ve started setting boundaries I feel like she doesn’t like this as I used to just accept her bullshit, she asked me if I stole money of her this one time when I was younger and proceeded to say I know your brother wouldn’t when In fact he has stolen money from her before, I feel like she puts me down constantly, and makes me out to be an evil villain that’s ungrateful, my brother said something that upset me and she caught me crying so I told her what was wrong and she just said don’t take it personal I just felt like she didn’t have my back or stick up for me and I explained to her I feel left out and I’m really upset to the point of wanting to go home, it’s not that I’m not grateful for the holiday it’s just I was trying to explain my feelings. I’m not very good at expressing gratitude and she explained this which I apologised for and said I will try harder but she’s continued the argument and I don’t understand why, she’s made such a big deal comparing me to my dad calling me a bitch and saying I’m ruining the holiday? I’m starting to question am I a bitch am I horrible like she says (all my friends say I’m the most loving and kind hearted person) but for some reason my family think otherwise I find it hard to be vulnerable because as a kid the slightest thing I’d do wrong my whole character would be violated I don’t feel safe to be myself around them. I’m starting to think my mums a narcissist she’s always comparing me to my brother and will twist words to make me look bad I’ve heard her myself. I don’t know what to do