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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Lost a friend....

5 replies

DontBeBitterGlitter2023 · 06/06/2023 07:59

So let me start by saying I know this will sound a bit pathetic since I'm supposed to be a 37 year old professional woman who knows her way around the world of relationships!

I'd recently been seeing someone who had just come out of a 16-year relationship (2 kids, one being hers who he brought up from being 6 yrs). I'd known him for a while but not her and we would say hi now and again but absolutely nothing inappropriate (usually football banter as I met him via a friend of a friend while watching a game). I'd no idea they'd even split up until a couple of months ago when I'd mentioned a date I'd been on and he said something like 'I'd take you out if he doesn't want to'

Then we were both visiting people in the same hospital and kept ending up bumping into each other, so started talking more and to be honest it was weird how comfortable I was with him, opening up about things, and him the same with me even though he admits that usually he doesn't talk about his feelings at all. We then ended up meeting for a drink, one thing led to another, and we spent about a month where he would be at mine almost every night, going on dates, and having the most amazing sex.

His ex though now knows what's been going on, and turns out he's been trying to get her back the entire time, even though she doesn't want him. I've had a few messages from her and she's confirmed that but I don't think I could ever trust him now. He's now decided he wants to be on his own to sort himself out and focus on his son

He knows and admits he's handled things badly, he says he cares about me and he never wanted me to get hurt. But I am hurt. Part of me does want him to come back to me and carry on as before, but it also hurts that we have no relationship/interaction whatsoever anymore. We know we can't go back to being friends and now we don't even speak. He has a big event coming up in a couple of weeks so I may wish him luck then but I'm not sure he'd even reply...

Sorry for the long essay, my head's just a bit confused etc. by it all right now. And that's without the small detail that I'm waiting to take a pregnancy test after we had an accident (no regular cycle so will have to wait a few more days)

OP posts:
gardenweed · 06/06/2023 11:15

Sounds like he wanted you for sex/intimacy?

DontBeBitterGlitter2023 · 06/06/2023 11:27

gardenweed · 06/06/2023 11:15

Sounds like he wanted you for sex/intimacy?

In all honesty I'm not sure... at first maybe but the way that we were with each other went so much further than that. Also I've just had a gynae operation which means any of that stuff has been off the cards for a few weeks and he's still been coming over all the time, picking up prescriptions, getting shopping, etc....

OP posts:
gardenweed · 06/06/2023 11:34

Sounds like he doesn't feel ready to move on from his previous relationship but does really like you then.

YoSof · 06/06/2023 11:47

I know it’s really hard OP but you have to block and go no contact. It’s the only way to heal.

I know you want to reach out and are looking for reasons to do so, but no good will come of it. If he replies and it all starts again it won’t end well.

He’s not over his ex, and he treated you appallingly. He would have dropped you in an instant if she would have had him back. No excuses, it’s not your problem if his head is messed up. It’s not your job to “fix”, and you would fail anyway.

There are a few red flags in your post to - him saying he doesn’t open up to anyone like he did you for example. This isn’t a Romeo and Juliet scenario, he’s a man who had no problem leading you on, having sex with you and then going home to no doubt text his ex.

Don’t text him, delete his number and block. He is not a good man.

YoSof · 06/06/2023 11:47

too*

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