What does marriage mean to you?

[Confuzzled78]

The concept of marriage has re all my changed for me since I started law school. Im in my second year of university and studying family law currently. I plan on working in this field. I used to think of marriage as a commitment to being in a relationship and a way for children to feel secure within a relationship, I often dreamed of a wedding day and being married. Fast forward and I’m in a relationship with a with a wonderful man, we have discussed marriage for some point in the future but when I ask myself why marriage. I now see it as simply a legal requirement based on provisions within a statue to share assets. That the requirement of marriage within the law is not based on the love you Have for eachother or any of the emotional aspects of the relationship, and that the same law that requires me to sign a contract to be married will not care an ounce for any emotions or commitment within the relationship but will only be concerned with assets as the main factor in divorce. I know that marriage allows spouses to make certain life altering decisions on behalf of a spouse should the worst happen but is that it? I’m very interested in why some people get married and have I just chosen to focus on the negative aspect of it or is marriage really just about love?

As your title says, it is what it means for each of us individually. So there are no wrong answers.

For me it’s about commitment (monogamy) in the eyes of the world (without saying other concepts are wrong) as you say a safe place to raise a family (without saying unmarried couples do not provide a safe place), a sense of sharing a journey together, someone to bring some wonder to, without preconditions, without judgment and without an agenda. My marriage is a happy place and I feel loved, respected and rewarded.

I suppose when people were more religious the traditional vows were more than just words, they symbolised an unbreakable promise (to God) to always look after each other.

Nowadays it makes little difference to solid relationships, except I guess that anyone having cold feet about “forever” might not go through with the expense and magnitude of an actual wedding.

Some marry more for the legal and financial security than the love bit (even though that’s not in doubt). Some just want the wedding dress and fun of a party bringing all their nearest and dearest together. Others still prefer the solemnity of church and the religious vows. For most it’s probably a mixture. Different things to different couples I suppose!

Good question! Both DH and I were reluctant to marry as we were quite happy living together. Everything changed when DD was born - then we really wanted to be a family unit and I wanted us all to have the same surname (I was thinking it would be so much easier when she starts school etc). What surprised me was how much more respect we got from wider family once we'd 'tied the knot'. We didn't actually have a wedding, just snuck off to the registry office and told everyone afterwards. We had no family living nearby at that time and it was the easiest and cheapest way to go. I was working for lawyers before DD was born so that may have influenced our decision?

It's a legal commitment to support each other and any children no matter what. That provides stability and the safe environment. It's not about romance, although it can be romantic. It's practical. You marry because without it you don't have the legal security ( unless you get that by another legal route eg contract about the house etc but as far as I know there isn't anything akin to marriage/ civil partnership).

Personally I’ve always seen it as a legal contract joining assets, and in my mind I can’t really divorce (no pun intended) it from its roots in the ownership and control of women, passing from one man (father) to another (husband). I realise modern marriages don’t reflect that but it makes me personally uncomfortable about the whole institution.

I also think a wedding isn’t a marriage, nor is a big lavish wedding (or any scale of wedding, beyond the signing of the paperwork) necessary, but many people seem to use marriage and wedding interchangeably. It also really annoys me when people say “because we all wanted the same surname” because a) that invariably means “I as a woman changed my surname” and b) being married doesn’t legally compel you to change your surname. I wish we saw more men changing theirs, or people keeping their own. I can’t understand the compulsion to share a surname personally but I’ve made it clear to my partner that if we ever do marry and he wants a shared surname the options are for him to take mine or nothing.

I have found myself in idle moments getting swept away with the romantic notions attached to marriage as I really love my partner, but I’d never have a wedding (I think the wedding industry is capitalism on steroids) and ultimately my views about marriage as an institution outweigh any romance for me. I also don’t want to make it harder and more expensive for us to break up if that happens - yes, our relationship is perfect now, but who can guarantee the future?

I don’t see the pooling of and fair split of assets in the event of divorce as “negative” aspects to marriage. You didn’t mention it, but tax free inheritance between spouses of assets is also not a negative.

Marriage is a partnership contract. It is based on mutual love, trust and respect.

This. (To me) It means having each other's backs through life. As we don't live in a magical fairy kingdom and live on fresh air, to me it means the mutual trust to pool assets, the whole "for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health" business, "What's yours is mine and what's mine is yours". That's an amazing thing to have with someone, that level of trust.

I'm not opposed to divorce, but I like the saying "never marry a man you wouldn't like to be divorced from".

I'd say for me it's about households, it's about family. If I just wanted romance, which is a wonderful thing indeed and bit to be sniffed at, I'd rather (funds allowing) live independently and have a lover!

I don't see why any of that should be seen as in any way negative. There were two threads on here last week by the same poster, posted at the same time. One was "we have a small child, is it weird all finances are his and I've nothing in my name? He has assets and I have none. We're not married btw but that's a whole other story". Thread two: "Why hasn't he proposed?". The fact that this poster thought these were two separate questions - one about the dull and sordid business of living, and one about the magical world of true love - said it all.

*not to be sniffed at