I need to leave but don't know how to start

[Aurora2019]

Please I know I need to leave, there have been so many things. But I just don't know how to start. I have so many questions but no one to ask irl.

Do I have to agree to 50/50? He's mean and sarcastic with the children.

Can I afford to leave? Would a solicitor be able to tell me? I work part time and would struggle to do more as no childminder or after school care where we live.

Please can someone help I'm tired of living like this.

Hi OP. I'm not going to be much help to you at the moment but I'm in the same position. I've felt this way for a few years now. I've tried everything to make it work, but quite frankly I don't want to anymore.

I'm worried about custody and finances too.

I suppose the first step is to make that decision, followed by telling them. He will want a reason why and I'm not sure he will understand if I explain. Im also worried I'll be judged as not being supportive or coping with his depression and anxiety diagnosis. (I don't in anyway hold him to account for being ill, I can however hold him to account for his actions whilst he was ill).

Perhaps start by gathering all your important documents. Passport, copy of birth certificates, copy of house deeds/rental agreements etc. Then consider things like your living arrangements, what help you are entitled too.

Thank you for your reply. Also get the talk about depression and suicidal thoughts when Ive talked about separation in the past.

Have a look on entitledto.co.uk to see what benefits you may be entitled to.

Is the house mortgaged or rented? If rented who’s name is on the tenancy?

If he works he will need to pay child maintenance, there is a calculator you can use to get an idea of how much.

As @whycantIthinkofadecentusername says start by getting all documents together. If you find details of pensions, savings you don’t know about photograph or photocopy them.
Talk to a solicitor , you might be able to get a free initial consultation. Write down your questions as it’s easy to miss something.
Calculate child support https://www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance
Look at entitledto as @YoSof suggests to see what benefits you can get.
If you and stbxh own a house together it’s usually sold, mortgage paid off, equity split 50/50 but not written in stone so can be negotiated.
I found once I started getting my ducks in a row I felt more in control, knew I had choices.

Aurora

Are you married?. What is the situation re the property and finances?.

re your comment:
"Also get the talk about depression and suicidal thoughts when Ive talked about separation in the past".

Its all been designed by him to get you to stay and or otherwise tug at your heartstrings. Such emotional manipulation and or otherwise control should be given short shrift. Any time he mentions this going forward get the police involved to do a welfare check on him.

Do seek legal advice asap from a couple of firms of solicitors local to you. In the meantime I would on the quiet gather up documents like bank statements etc as the other poster has suggested. I would also suggest you contact both Womens Aid and the Rights of Women (the latter can give some legal advice).

50/50 is but a starting point. Some abusive men may demand this but they also do this to control their target and as a way of trying to avoid paying child maintenance. I doubt very much your children would want to see much of him at all really given how he is towards them as well and their ages will be taken into account. It seems that your man is not going to make it at all easy for you to leave because he is abusive and wants to "punish" you further for having the gall in his eyes to leave him.

Citizens advice are really helpful in finding out what you can/can't claim and while it will feel like they're throwing a load of info at you they will email it all with links to each part so don't worry if you feel like you aren't taking it all in! X

How old are the children? Children over 12 can choose who they live with and how much they see each parent.
Is he likely to want 50/50? School holidays are 13 weeks a year and most people don't have 6.5 weeks for looking after the kids. He can't ask for every weekend in order to reduce the number of days of childcare needed. Starting point is often every other weekend with each parent and half the school holidays. If he's mean and sarcastic then maybe he won't want the kids much as he'd get to spend his free time doing exactly what he wants.
Are you married? Do you own a property together?

Fantastic advise given here OP but you may also wish to contact your local Woman's aid, you will find this on their website, but also go incognito if he checks your phone or any other devise you may share together.

Thanks all for taking the time.
We're married and house with a mortgage.
When I say sarcastic. I don't think he can hear himself. I don't think he means to sound nasty. But I've tried over and over to talk about it

Do not rell him until you have everything ready

No one on free can tell you the outcome op

if he wants 50:50 and Dan show he can do that then it’s likely to be awarded. Difference in parenting styles won’t be considered reason not to.

you will ask be expected to maximise your earnings and go full time ( and be subsidised from benefits) as it’s unlikely he’ll be expected to provide fir you up only work part time

but it will depend on many factors, not least understanding your total assets and needs.

a solicitor will help you