Stupid dishwasher related argument with DH

[mambojambodothetango]

Had a stupid argument with DH this morning - ostensibly about the way he'd stacked the dishwasher, but it turned into something else and he's now sulking. Please tell me objectively what happened.

Last night he washed up/loaded dishwasher while I put DS to bed (it's 95% usually the other way around). This morning I came down, opened dishwasher to see he'd only half loaded it, with stuff spread out and not efficiently stacked. I thought, shall I point this out to him or not, decided I would mention it in a jokey way, like 'you could have got lots more in there' in a light hearted tone whilst smiling.

His response was (in a nasty voice) 'well at least I don't pack stuff in so that it doesn't get clean like you do' (this literally never happens and he never empties it anyway so how would he know - I didn't say that). I said 'that doesn't happen though'. He then said 'You could have thanked me for putting the dishwasher on instead of criticising me', so I said 'I didn't know we thanked each other for putting the dishwasher on' (WTF?).

He then said 'Stop bloody nagging' to which I replied with the MN definition of nagging as 'pointing out something you don't want to hear', to which he said, 'no it's not, it's going on about something'. He then stormed off and hasn't spoken to me since.

So - obviously I now regret saying anything about the dishwasher as it turned into an argument which wasn't the intention at all, but was he really unable to just respond to my comment in an equally light-hearted way?

Why would he feel so attacked that he clutched at frankly pathetic retorts (at least I don't... you could have said thank you... stop nagging)? He has form for sulking which is why I tread carefully about things like this and thought making a joke might be acceptable. I really envy couples who can rib each other over little things and have a laugh with no hurt egos.

Was I wrong or is he a big baby? Or both?

That doesn't sound like it was really about the Dishwasher....

Was there a lot left not put in the dishwasher? Ie sink full of plates that could have gone in?

I’m not very good at holding my tongue but maybe on this occasion you shouldn’t have said anything as he did put the dishwasher on

however sounds like your communication has turned quite toxic towards each other. Do you usually argue?

I would say both - you didn't need to say anything about the dishwasher (as it doesn't really matter - he was trying to do a good thing), and he didn't need to be so grumpy.

Does this sort of thing normally happen? Is he just feeling a bit down, or is he always a bit arsey?

Ex used to say things like this in what he thought was a ‘light and jokey’ tone too, but really we were at the stage of no respect for each other.

I left shortly after.

If there were still plates left on the side that he hadn't put in the dishwasher then yes, I would have said something too!
I'm not sure about what pp have said about not saying anything because he actually put the dishwasher on?? Like you should be grateful for that ha!

He has form for sulking and you walk on eggshells.

This is not about the dishwasher.

You are in an emotionally abusive relationship.

If you have one child, for goodness sake don't inflict him on another.

It is highly likely this will only get worse as time goes on.

If you want a different future, get organised.

I hope you work and have savings?

If not, start getting organised.

Reach out to friends and family for support.

The jokey tone doesn't hide anything. he thought you were having a go at him, only you know if that's true or not.

Dh did this to me... after many times I respond with giving him the Nobel prize in dishwasher loading. He has learnt to keep away - we both do it differently and don't comment on each other anymore - unless giving the Nobel prize - that's turned into our in-joke now.

Last night he washed up/loaded dishwasher while I put DS to bed (it's 95% usually the other way around).
The fact that you've mentioned this split suggests this is a sticking point for you. Have you discussed this before? Is he aware of this and feeling guilty? Are you often 'gently' ribbing him about it?

I thought, shall I point this out to him or not, decided I would mention it in a jokey way, like 'you could have got lots more in there' in a light hearted tone whilst smiling.
What was the goal here? I mean that seriously: was it 'we need to save water/electricity' or was it 'point out he's done it wrong'? If it was the former, I think there was a better way to do it than that. If it's the latter...well that would explain his response.

His response was (in a nasty voice) 'well at least I don't pack stuff in so that it doesn't get clean like you do' (this literally never happens and he never empties it anyway so how would he know - I didn't say that).
He's being defensive. Is it because he's heard complaints about this split of duties before? Is it because he feels guilty? Is it because he feels criticised because you decided to tell him off about the stacking of the dishwasher? Your comment in brackets suggests again that there's a bigger sticking point.

I said 'that doesn't happen though'. He then said 'You could have thanked me for putting the dishwasher on instead of criticising me', so I said 'I didn't know we thanked each other for putting the dishwasher on' (WTF?).
All of this is so passive aggressive.

My take on this would be: he probably does less of the housework than you and you have made it clear, possibly passive aggressively because you think he'll sulk, that you're not happy. So when he DOES do something he's hoping for praise and instead gets another passive aggressive comment, making him defensive and 'well what's the point'. You in turn have focused all your resentment about the housework on this one thing and continued to be pass agg.

Does that sound about right? If so, he needs to sort his shit out and do more so that he's not feeling guiltily defensive. And you need to stop being passive about it and just tell him with no accusation - the split of jobs needs to be X. Rather than making 'jokey' comments which will get his back up and achieve nothing.

Thanks for replies. I think he was probably feeling worried about starting a stressful week at work having had a holiday - he has actually just come in and apologised, which I am grateful for, as I did wonder if I had got it wrong.

I'm sure it must be possible to get through very minor disagreements without it all being so dramatic. He is a class A sulker, but the last time it happened I told him it wasn't on and that I would rather discuss things than have sulks - I wonder if that actually sunk in and has made him apologise this time. We'll see.

Was the real problem that he did a half job because he couldn't be arsed to do it properly, knowing you'd have tp sort the rest of it? And why does he never unload the dishwasher? Do you feel like he contributes very little to housework?

This morning I came down, opened dishwasher to see he'd only half loaded it, with stuff spread out and not efficiently stacked. I thought, shall I point this out to him or not, decided I would mention it in a jokey way, like 'you could have got lots more in there' in a light hearted tone whilst smiling

Criticism with a smile never feels lighthearted to the person being criticised. They feel patronised and laughed at. I think you were being over critical in this situation. I’m glad he’s apologised for being sensitive about it, but perhaps he is sulking because you haven’t apologised for your role in causing the argument in the first place?

Whether or not you had a point hinges on whether or not there was dirty stuff on the side in the kitchen that didn’t go in last night.

either way not great communication from either of you but he was definitely escalating it so good that he apologised.

How do you know he only did half a job? WTF! How do you know if this was all there was and to prevent stuff drying to pots, pans etc?

Putting kids to bed takes far more effort than loading a dishwasher (teeth, wash, story, chat, etc). Though much more fun to be on the bedtime routine. Dishwasher takes 5 minutes max even at a full load.

OP - you both need to work on communicating and was there a need to criticise running a half load? Was stuff missed out or would you expect to run it in the morning? Maybe there was stuff that needed washing for use the next day? I interpreted the saying thanks more as ‘you could be positive rather than negative’.

I would also consider the comment that stuff comes out dirty. Sometimes it does just by bad luck but also over packing. However, everyone does the dishwasher differently, at least they are doing that rather than having to complain about them not doing it.

I don't. I was asking OP if that was the problem.

Hmmmm how often do you do stuff like this? It’s a bit passive aggressive to point out someone’s mistakes / oversights like this. But equally I can completely understand you being annoyed by it! It would drive me crazy too.

I don’t know how you’re in a relationship with a sulker, it’s so deeply unattractive. Dh and I have jokes about everything like that- I tell him he’s extravagant putting it on for a spoon and he laughs. I couldn’t be with someone who can’t laugh at themselves

Sorry, mis-read your post

Me and partner do thank each other for stacking the dishwasher, and as many ither small things we can remember. It creates good feelings.