Narcissism in children?

[Jammyroger]

I know this is a very controversial post, but I am becoming more concerned about the behaviour of one of my children. She is 9. Her paternal grandmother is clearly narcissistic, she ticks every box. She makes everything about her, is devious and callous and makes nasty remarks, describes herself as "inspirational" among other things- lots of reasons why we think she has this personality disorder. We keep our distance, but we do see her sometimes. She has also made comments towards one of our children about them not admiring or loving her enough. 😳
So, no doubt a narcissist.

Anyway, our eldest child is showing similar behaviours at times. Everything is about her. She was not happy about her younger sibling's birthday yesterday and snatched new toys, wanting to play with them herself, kept talking about her own birthday which was months ago. I know kids get jealous and selfish, but there's another level to her behaviour somehow.

She is obsessed with what she can "get". It's her main question everyday- what am I getting today? What treats can I eat today? What am I having? She has to earn treats through chores, which she will do, but only with a reward focus. She is quite set in her ways and likes everything a certain way and I questioned autism for a time, but she is highly antagonistic and from what I've read, autistic children don't antagonise? She will do thinks purposely to annoy people in a coy, underhanded way. She will cry if her friends leave her out but sees nothing in leaving out her friends, although she is often the one left out.

During conversations with friends, she makes it all about her. When her friend's dog died, I overheard her boasting that we were getting a kitten. I can't help but feel she does things on purpose. Her grandmother is very similar- told me all about her miscarriage in gruesome detail when we announced we were pregnant after I'd experienced bleeding and thought we'd miscarried. It was at the very best, tactless.

My daughter will ask "forbidden questions" again similarly to her grandmother in a bid to make others feel uncomfortable. Like when we visited my grandmother on the anniversary of my grandfather's death, I asked her not to mention anything, but she bluntly asked her "today is the anniversary of G's death, are you sad?" She can't help it. Her grandmother is again, similar, will ask the uncomfortable, nosey questions which nobody would ordinarily ask.

I'm getting more concerned and am unsure what to do about it. Nobody discusses narcissism in children so I darent mention it to any professionals, but I am wondering if people have advice? Her younger sibling of course can be selfish and jealous and badly behaved at times, but I'm seeing something else in my eldest child. She's behaving in a very spoiled, entitled way at times and just focused on what she can "get" all the time.

Any advice?

yeah - don't diagnose kids with personality disorders. What you're describing are traits not uncommon in children, and narcissism as a disorder develops often as a result of upbringing.

So if you don't want your daughter to develop into actual narcissist maybe consider what makes her crave attention so much. Even in adult narcissist their behaviour if often an extreme reaction to deeply embedded insecurities and desire to be noticed and loved. She's 9, why do you think she's jealous of her sister's birthday?

It's not the case that autistic children never come across as antagonistic. They will sometimes do things to cause a predictable reaction, because the reaction is quite interesting and/ or reassuring to them as they find other people's behaviour and motivations difficult to understand. A predictable reaction is sometimes better than not being able to predict what somebody will do, even if it is negative.

It sounds to me like your DD is struggling to interpret social dynamics. She perhaps can't predict whether or when you will 'give' her something so each day she demands to know. Making things 'about her' may well be an attempt to make things feel more predictable and feel more in control.

In your shoes, I would start with some methods known to work with autistic children and see if they help or not. For example, have a timetable of what she is going to 'get'. Put on it if there is going to be an ice cream, and if there isn't an ice cream on the timetable make sure there definitely isn't one! You could do a week at a time so she knows for the week ahead what she is going to 'get' (or not get) and every time she asks, refer her back to her timetable.

So, no doubt a narcissist.

Nothing you said about her grandmother suggests she genuinely has a personality disorder, she just sounds like a self centred, spoilt and nasty person. Please don't ascribe this to your 9 year old child. Honestly lots of girls that age are pretty selfish and thoughtless.