Help, why cant i stay away from him. Is this fixable?

[Gemski38]

I left 4 months ago due to abuse, which i posted about here. In those 4 months he has cried a bit, ignored me, blamed me, started messaging a girl from the gym we go to, hoovered me back, then went nasty again 😥

We started meeting up, trying again etc BUT

before i left he went through my phone and my diary, and read EVERYTHING, all my texts to my friends saying i wanted to leave, he was abusive, marriage wasnt working etc. He saw i had a womens aid worker etc

He wont leave this go at all, it was 8 months ago and he constantly brings it up saying "he should of thrown me out there and then, he has been to soft on me, he is hurt and gutted"

So now i feel like its ME thats in the wrong. And i am a bad person, should never of wrote those things (they were the truth tho) He says he will never forgive me, but cant let me go and keeps on texting, then being mean, then texting, then silent treatment

Im still crying almost everyday, feel like a zombie walking around 😭I want to make it work, try and start again and put it behind us

But he just keeps saying "you want me, show me then, chase me" and "i want to be on a pedestal in your eyes"

I know for a 42 year old man, this isnt normal behaviour. But i cant let go 😭Im not eating, sleeping, crying all the time..

Any tips on what i can do?

is this workable? or am i going back to a abuser? because right now its me who feels like the abusive one and that ive lost a good man xxx

You said it yourself. What you wrote was the truth. He is not a good man. He is abusive and messing with your head to make you accept it. It is not workable nor fixable because he is not respectful or decent. He will break you. Leave.

You haven’t lost a good man, you almost escaped from an abusive horrible man. A man that might one day take your life if this pattern of abuse continues and escalates. You nearly did it, you nearly got away, try again. Your life is going to be so much better when you are away from him. Do you have good friends and family around you?

I do have good friends and family around. They have been fab and so supportive, but they can see the pain im in 😔

I went out the weekend with friends, and sat crying into my wine glass 😔I just feel totally heart broken with it all.

He wont let me go, keeps texting, then back to nasty, then texting again, then silence.. Saying he hates my friends from uni as they brainwashed me 😕Bringing up the stuff i wrote all the time, its like he is punishing me constantly.

I know he is not a healthy man at all, but im struggling so much accepting its over and letting him go. He wants me to chase him, and PROVE i want him and am sorry for the stuff i wrote. which was my personal messages that he shouldn't of read anyway..

I dont know how to stop the longing for him and the urge to make it all work out x

Watch are Ramani’s videos on YouTube about narcissists.

block him. Go total NC. Eventually the fog will clear and it will be so much easier to stop ‘longing’ for him.

he is a textbook abuser. Stop wasting your life on this waste of space.

@Gemski38 omfg your poor woman, get rid hun he will always treat you like this because your letting him ! Know your worth girl and chase no one 💕

Sorry that was meant to be DR Ramani… found her to be very good when leaving my exH

He knows which buttons to push and he’s doing it on purpose. Making you jealous, pretending to change and then gaslighting you into thinking you’re in the wrong- it’s utterly predictable.

You need to leave him and stay away completely. It’s not going to work and he’s not going to change. It will be hard but you’ll thank yourself. Reach out to family and friends for their help in staying strong.

You might also find “Women Who Love Too Much” helpful.

The dynamics of abusive relationships have an addictive quality. When things are good, they feel particularly amazing because of the contrast with when he’s being abusive, the relief that he’s treating you well again, and he probably love-bombs you because he has so much to make up for. After all, if someone’s been feeding you mouldy scraps, cake is going to taste amazing.

The best test of a relationship is not how it is when things are good - it’s how it is when things are bad. When DH and I aren’t getting on, things are a bit ‘meh’. No-one’s abusing anyone.

This relationship is toxic and hugely damaging. Please don’t keep trying to make it work.

He purposely makes you feel like shit so he can feel momentarily better about himself. He is deeply and dangerously screwed up. This is never going to get any better for you and can only get worse if you don't remove yourself from him.
You don't need anything else to happen to justify leaving him. Just do it. Reclaim your life and peace of mind and report any harassment to the police.

Have you looked at the Freedom Programme? Please do if you haven't, you need some help to escape this man.

Can you afford therapy? Relate will work with individuals not just couples, or look for someone local. Even a few sessions would help you.

You know what he is saying to you is ridiculous and abusive, you need to get yourself to a place where your response to what he's saying is different. The support is out there, please find some help.

You don't love this man, you're addicted to him. He's invaded your privacy when you were seeking help to escape his abuse and using that against you, abusing you twice over 😭

Whether you plan to stay with him or not, you need a big long break from him to clear your head. You know you're not thinking straight. Tell people how you feel, get the support of friends and family back behind you, and leave at least until you feel you can make an informed decision.

If it's opinions you want, this man is vile. Getting away from him can't possibly be worse than staying. Please. PLEASE leave.

Take control. Don't put him.on s pedestal, put yourself first. Break contact. You deserve so much better.

Why does what he wants matter? Why does what he thinks of you matter?

Who is he? Is he someone with superior judgement of character, whose opinions are highly regarded generally, or is he, in fact, just some feller? Would you care if someone else said the things he's saying to you that make you feel bad?

Lets give it a try: OP, I think you are abusive. Do you care? Unlikely, because my opinion means nothing to you. I'm just a random person. So, why is he so special? Why does he get to tell you who you are?

Why isn't it you who tells you who you are?

If he told you your hair was made of yoghurt, you'd think he was mad, right? You wouldn't suddenly panic that your hair was made of yoghurt. So why do you believe the other things he says about you? Because you think he might be right, because you don't have a stable, sturdy, unshakable view of yourself. Analyse that, not him, or his words, or what he means, or why he says it.

Analyse why you would believe someone who says horrible things about you. Analyse you. Your life is about you. Your feelings are about you. Your decisions are about you. He is a bit part in a big story, which is your life. He's not a main player. Not unless you choose him for the part.

Ugh he’s textbook isn’t he.

You nearly did it, but it’s common to get hoovered back in.

Please listen to what everyone is saying here, he’s abusive and this is classic, every word of it. Most of us know this because we’ve been there. People who haven’t experienced abuse may not recognise the patterns but those of us who have felt trapped in a similar relationship know exactly how you feel.

He’s playing with your feelings, getting you to jump through hoops, not because he wants you, but to prove that you want him. It’s sick.

You are trauma bonded to him due to the highs and lows of emotional abuse. Think of it like a drug. The first few highs are so ecstatic that you keep chasing those early highs even though the lows get lower and lower until you think you can’t function without him. You can, but you won’t while you’re still dabbling.

Go cold Turkey. Cut him off, 100% for good and for real. it’s the only way to get him out of your system. If people can kick heroin you can get rid of this jerk. The withdrawal will be hellish, but you have to go through it. Be kind to yourself - give the love and care that you’re currently lavishing on this nasty loser. Physical care, emotional safety, seeking support, talking kindly to yourself, treat yourself as a good friend going through a shit time. You wouldn’t advise her to take the hair of the dog that bit her to feel better. Stay away from the dog!!

From what I'm seeing you are not letting him go either. Why have you not blocked him so he can't text you? It's a simple step to take, yet you clearly haven't done it. Why do you go to the same gym still?
You really have not taken all steps necessary to get over him and until you resolve to go no contact, we'll yes, you will be stuck crying over him because the constant contact means you are not letting him go. Do something about it, go no contact, it's the only way.

You escaped and then you went back (which happens )

you need to call womens aid again and get some more advice and push

read the posts here and really take them in x

Walk away and don't look back, your future is ahead and he is not a healthy part of it, leave him in the past where he belongs. Get your friends and family to support you if he tries to worm his way back in, every time he says something nice remember the worst ten things he has said or done to you and remind yourself why he has to stay out of your life for good.

Op this man is abusive. Think of him like a drug that you need to go cold turkey on. You and a relapse which is common but now it's time to try again. You'll never be happy with him ever. Go back to women's aid for advice.

"He wont let me go"

It's not his choice, OP. It's your choice - that means that if you don't want to continue being abused by this idiot, you can tell him you've remembered you don't need arseholes in your life date arseholes and to fuck off and not contact you again. Do go back to women's aid. Can you get some practical and moral support from family/friends to help you leave? You need to get away from him.

edited as I see you're married

@Gemski38 I see this was posted a couple of months ago. How are you now?

He is an abuser, it's not you. I really hope that you are OK op.