Dating is shite and a waste of energy

[Devlyn]

Do you think it's true, that when you look for a relationship you never find the right person?

I personally don't like or enjoy dating at all and I find myself happier opting out of it. Whilst it would be good to have an active sex life, I am also not into friends with benefits.

I just feel dating is rather forced and not a natural way to meet someone.

Lastly I like the peace of not having to tolerate someone else's shitty moods!

If you mean meeting people online and trying to figure out whether you like them I'd imagine that's a soul destroying endless task.

In my day..... you met people through work, hobbies, community and friends of friends and decided if you liked them before you started dating them. It also meant they were prescreened so far less likely to be a nutter.

I think just live an active life and see what happens.

If you mean OLD then I would 100% agree with you.

I tried it briefly and it was honestly soul destroying. I'm bi which I thought would give me a better chance but no. The women just wanted to chat and chat but would never agree to meet up when I asked. The guys all turned predictably sleazy a few messages in.

I've decided to just stay single. Depressing but at least I have peace of mind.

I agree with you. I went in to it in my 40s with a very open mind. No fixed ideas about height for example. I hoped to connect with somebody who'd treat me with respect. That never happened. Not once. I gave up and met somebody in real life but that ended during covid restrictions. I didn't want him to move in, he lived with his brother who has a few vulnerabilities medically. So that's that for me, not trying again. Very occasionally I do feel lonely but it's a lot less awful than the constant disrespect that I encountered online. Men online want to disguise the fact that they're just after a free prostitute basically. That might be a strong statement. But hell, I stand by it. I was not treated well. One lie after the next.

you're right it's an unnatural way to meet people. expectations are invariably met with the opposite!

I've had some awful experiences including with an angry controlling man who vomited over the pub and cried when he pushed me on whether he was my type and I politely said I wasn't sure (I ran away).

Not to mention the weird stilted dates where the other party either is lechy and odd or clearly can't wait to get away (or I can't wait to get away).

Horrible way to have to meet people.

I absolutely love dating but as an extension of enjoying getting to know people more generally.

However, I’ve never tried to meet someone in a contrived way such as OLD. Friends of mine have had some shocking experiences. I prefer meeting people I fancy serendipitously. Usually at parties or in pubs.

I went into OLD about 8 yrs ago. I was in my mid 40s. I met two men. I didn't have that much interest but the two I met resulted in a relationship. I am.single now. Hope to go back in at some point as i like the idea of a relationship, but what I am reading on here sounds grim. People say, oh u will meet someone when u least expect it. 😠

Lots of people have met their long term partners online and via dating, so no. It depends on how miserable you choose to get during the filtering process, which can take a while.

If you're the sort of person who chooses to get miserable because you a handful of men who weren't your dream man, you'll likely struggle with dating. Or a relationship, so yes, it is pointless for people like that.

Can't help but think that the best approach is just to get out there doing stuff (helps if in a city) and maybe come across someone, or just go for FWB hook-ups, and you never know, one of those might turn into something more serious.
Folks seem to do so much pre-filtering and if a potrential partner gets past that they will be described on mumsnet for the relationship vultures to advise dumping them for the smallest human oddity :)

I love dating. Both OLD and organically meeting people out and about.

If you don't want to tolerate someone's shitty mood, aren't you better of being single?

Its crap isn't it? OLD just doesn't work for me. I've tried it to death and I just can't seem to catch a break. I posted about it earlier. I know the mumsnet view is to remain happily single and I try to embrace that but I don't really understand what is so wrong with wanting a loving relationship. I can be single. I've been single for many, many years and happily so. But I've reached a point in my life where I don't want to be on my own anymore. I want to share a life together with someone. Finding that someone is proving impossible for me.

larry david said a date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone.

if you're keen to meet someone hopefully someone decent will pop up at some point for you.

Well no I can't agree.
I met my husband, not online, but through an introduction agency. He was the 13th guy I met, and have to say I had an interesting year meeting these men! None were awful snd I dated two of them for a few weeks, and one man be and a friend. I was the first my husband met.
I know another who married her online date - they recently celebrated 20 year anniversary. I'm over 60 though so most of my friends met their partners the old fashioned way (university/work/pub/wedding/friends).

Agreed. This was my experience with online dating too, and from a real cross section - no chasing bad boy types or anything like that.

I have dipped in and out of online dating for years, mainly because it’s the only way I can meet people. I could write a book of awful situations and dates. I’m currently excepting that I won’t ever meet anyone, though actually I don’t think I want to be in a relationship, I enjoy my own company way too much and men are just annoying and dirty creatures 😬.
I am fed up of men assuming they own me after a couple dates, thinking they can touch me when ever they like and wherever they like. Men telling me how I should dress and how I should act. I have ADHD and I am sick of dating guys that I have to mask around.

I have made a few friends through online dating that I have stayed in contact with but the majority have been awful. I have been lied too about age/job/marriage/location, been stood up a couple of times, ghosted, gaslighted and sexually assaulted.

Oh I love dating! I’ve had a few tinder dates this year after ending a LTR last year. Yes there’s a lot of profiles that don’t appeal but I’ve met some really nice men this way! I do love meeting new people though so maybe this helps. Dated two of them for a while🙂 I think you have to be open minded and thick skinned to enjoy it. Then again everyone’s different and no one is saying you should enjoy it!

I’m sorry @Lovemusic33 i crossposted with you and now my post seems quite insensitive! I’m sorry to you and anyone else who has had such horrible experiences.

Dating is very high pressured. You both know why you're there, and every date is a 'Am I going to go on the next date moment?'. I don't think it happens quite like that when someone gradually gets to know someone through a social group or work. Are you have way more occasions when you're both together, talking to each other without pressure, and you also have far more opportunities to see how they behave around others, before dating even begins.

Are you an extrovert? A social butterfly? This might be why you find it so enjoyable.

Agree online dating is brutal.

@EarthSight I wouldn’t say I’m a social butterfly. I get nervous just like anyone else! And think oh god why am I doing this.
But I am unapologetically myself! If they don’t like that so be it. I probably talk too much😂 and ramble nervously😂 but I make jokes about this and it seems to our people at ease (knowing I’m a bit nervous too). I’m also really up front about what I’m looking for and whether I think there’s a vibe. I’m only dating casually so maybe this helps, so I’m not overly invested in it working out or not.
I don’t know if I’m an extrovert but maybe I am, because despite the nerves I enjoy meeting other people who live lives very different to mine! I go in optimistically and open minded, and curious about the other person. I do find you get out of these dates what you put in. If you go in with the attitude that it will be horrible then it probably will be horrible! (I’m not at all trying to minimise experiences or victim blame here - some people on this thread clearly have had some horrible experiences not at all caused by them in any way!).

I took encountered some creeps online, but I was quick to shut that down before any dates ever happened. I’ve never met a creep on a date, I suppose I’m lucky like that!