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Original poster

When is it normal to discuss plans for the future?

14 replies

Maplelady · 04/06/2023 23:27

I’ve been with my DP for almost two years. We live about an hour away from one another and both have fairly busy lives. I feel like when we’re together it’s great but we only get to see each other about once a week. He’s been going through a difficult divorce since 2019 and I’ve tried to be patient and understanding but I find it odd that we’ve not really had a conversation about our future at all. I tried to bring it up recently and he said he wasn’t in the headspace to talk about it. I don’t feel like I need us to move in together right now but I at least want to feel like there’s something we’re moving towards. Please tell me I’m not being unreasonable!

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 05/06/2023 05:51

I thought you were going to say you’d been together 2 months, not 2 years! Of course you’re not unreasonable to want a general idea of progress in the relationship. Is he divorced yet?

ChrisTrepidation · 05/06/2023 06:01

Being going through a divorce since 2019?

What on earth is taking so long? Of course YANBU. He's stringing you along!

exhusbandsaknob · 05/06/2023 06:58

I've been going through a divorce since 2019. It is possible unfortunately...

exhusbandsaknob · 05/06/2023 07:00

Sorry to answer your question I would think 2 years is more than enough to talk about the future. My ex at 2 years is buying a house with his new partner. I have a boyfriend but taking things slower!

Original poster
Maplelady · 05/06/2023 07:57

The financial stuff is all going to court next month. I didn’t realise this stuff could drag on for years! He moved out of the marital home and rented when they separated in 2019. She has refused to move out so that the property can be sold and divided so it’s going to court (they don’t have any children together)

OP posts:
RuffledKestrel · 05/06/2023 09:00

Depends on what you mean by "the future" really. But in all my relationships I have always spoken about what I want my future to be and asked what my partner wants from their future early on (with the first few months) to see if we are compatible log term. Stuff like marriage/kids/where we want to live/ what kind of job we want. High level, nonspecific kinda stuff.

On the grand scheme of things you do live close to each other so could probably see each other more often. Perhaps ask him to talk to you about plans together after the court date?

BungalowBuyer · 05/06/2023 10:14

I think we probably started talking about potentially moving in together after maybe a year, we got engaged after two years and moved in together after four years, we're buying a property together now after 4.5 years.

We're both divorced (we were both already long since divorced when we met) with dc (not small dc) so this was good timing for us, we used to live about 30 minutes apart but saw each other at least 4 times a week.

I think only seeing each other once a week, to me, is still quite a casual relationship, we both started to get tired of travelling to each other's houses but wanted to spend time together, which encouraged us to get on with it.

Original poster
Maplelady · 05/06/2023 13:14

Maybe it’s unfair of me to say we haven’t talked about the future. We both agree that we don’t want any more children and when we first got together we agreed that we were both looking for a long term relationship where we would ideally live together one day. It’s just that we’ve had no discussion since. We both have good careers and I’m starting up a business next year which is likely to take up more of my time. I just worry sometimes that I’m being a bit of a mug and he’s since decided that he just wants to be with someone he can keep at arms length and meet up when it’s convenient. I was initially very happy with the slow pace of our relationship and waited a year before we introduced children etc. now I’m just wondering if I should continue to put energy into a relationship where the other person doesn’t communicate whether they see a future

OP posts:
BungalowBuyer · 05/06/2023 13:46

Maplelady · 05/06/2023 13:14

Maybe it’s unfair of me to say we haven’t talked about the future. We both agree that we don’t want any more children and when we first got together we agreed that we were both looking for a long term relationship where we would ideally live together one day. It’s just that we’ve had no discussion since. We both have good careers and I’m starting up a business next year which is likely to take up more of my time. I just worry sometimes that I’m being a bit of a mug and he’s since decided that he just wants to be with someone he can keep at arms length and meet up when it’s convenient. I was initially very happy with the slow pace of our relationship and waited a year before we introduced children etc. now I’m just wondering if I should continue to put energy into a relationship where the other person doesn’t communicate whether they see a future

If you're only seeing each other once a week after two years I would be questioning the relationship. I didn't want to move fast with DP but I also didn't want to waste years on a relationship that wasn't going to go somewhere eventually. I'd be concerned he's happy with a part time girlfriend and essentially being single (by which I mean free to please himself) most of the time.

I personally needed some time to go out with friends and have my own space to heal after my divorce and wouldn't have got involved with anyone at that point.

Watchkeys · 05/06/2023 17:49

I just worry sometimes that I’m being a bit of a mug and he’s since decided that he just wants to be with someone he can keep at arms length and meet up when it’s convenient

Have you asked him? If so, what did he say? If not, what stops you?

There is no 'normal'. Your normal is what you want, and that's the situation you need to create for yourself. If your partner can't give you that, move on.

UsingChangeofName · 05/06/2023 19:12

I think it depends on your age / stage of life as to when you start talking more specifically about where this is going.
Particularly if either of you might be thinking having children together is something you might want to do.
However, if you are - say - both in your 50s, and just looking for company, or if you were both only 20 and you have years ahead with no time pressure, then there is less urgency.

But, like others, I would expect the general 'what are your life plans' type of questions to be happening after a few months, not two years in.

Original poster
Maplelady · 05/06/2023 21:50

That’s very sound advice. I think that he wanted to get his divorce out of the way before we discussed things going forwards. If I’m honest I had a relationship where I’ve not wanted to discuss moving in or see them more than once or twice a week. I liked/fancied them enough to be with them, but I knew I never wanted to live with them. When they put pressure on me to move in with them (a year into the relationship) I ended it

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 06/06/2023 08:53

I think that he wanted to get his divorce out of the way before we discussed things going forwards

Have you asked him, or is this just a possibility that you've taken a stab at?

It's supposed to be a relationship, not a quiz. People in healthy relationships don't surmise stuff about what their partner thinks on important matters. They ask, and discuss. Have you tried that?

MrsMontyD · 06/06/2023 09:08

Getting divorced is very stressful and all consuming, thankfully mine didn't take as long but I was so relieved when it was finalised and I could start to make plans for the future.

I can't imagine starting a serious relationship during that time, I was several years post divorce before I was ready to even start dating.

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