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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to ask for a divorce?

17 replies

mamaikai · 04/06/2023 20:16

Trying to gather the strength and courage to tell my DH I want to separate/divorce this week. For those of you have been there, any advice on how to initiate the conversation?

OP posts:
kenstaylor · 04/06/2023 20:22

I would just let them know you’re not happy and your mental health is affected. It’s a hard discussion to have but you’ve got to do what makes you happy. Wishing you luck

Jagoda · 04/06/2023 20:31

You don’t have to ask him for a divorce.

You can just tell him you are unhappy and that you are seeing a solicitor and instigating divorce proceedings.

Good luck.

User63847484848 · 04/06/2023 20:36

Good luck
for me it just suddenly seemed like a good moment when the kids were all out of earshot and occupied (in hindsight I wish I’d arranged for them to stay elsehwhere but it woud’ve been difficult,

I went with, I need to talk to you… then went with n not very happy and I think we might be happier living separately.
i wont lie it was very difficult and I felt like I had to tell him again a few times. I did agree to go to counselling (I had asked before and he’d refused but at this point he wanted to go as thought it would ‘change my mind’) and counselling really helped guide us through it. Well mainly me - helped me stay firm and be clear about what I wanted and not let him beat me down. He tried everything.

wasn’t nice but we live separately now and I love it, no looking back,

MillyHilly99 · 14/12/2023 18:10

Hey, did you manage to tell him? I'm in the same situation and my anxiety is through the roof. I can't bring myself to do it

Stuckandunhappy · 14/12/2023 18:41

@MillyHilly99 I am in the same situation. Had a date set in my mind for last week when the kids were out and we'd be home alone but then something came up and was unable to do it. So now have decided to wait until after Christmas although not sure how easy it will be to find the right moment with the kids on holiday!
Good luck!

MillyHilly99 · 14/12/2023 18:50

I think after Christmas is a good call. I've been with my husband for 20 years and he is my only relationship I've ever had. I've never split up with anyone and I don't do drama or confrontation so I'm really scared to say the words. I also don't know what will happen with housing. I hope it goes well for you

Continueasweareormakeachange · 14/12/2023 18:53

Same here, was going to do it two weeks ago and now feels too close to Christmas and I'm starting to feel less sure.

Stuckandunhappy · 14/12/2023 19:52

@MillyHilly99 my husband is not my only relationship but been with him for 17 years so it's gonna be tough! I have no idea how he will react as well, really concerned he will react badly as he has MH issues.

@Continueasweareormakeachange Yes does feel too close to Christmas now, really wish could have spoken to him when I had planned but it was out of my hands. Really don't want to drag this into the new year, made my decision ages ago and was waiting for the right moment, decided the date weeks ago, and then it failed to materialise.
Not sure how to do it with the kids around, our eldest is a teen and usually stays up later than I do, especially during holidays, so can't even wait until they've gone to bed. So frustrating!

Rjd13 · 14/12/2023 22:56

I was physically sick just before I had the conversation. The decision wasn't mutual so knew it was going to be awful. I said that I wasn't happy and felt like I've been trying for a while but things haven't improved. I said that my feelings had changed and I was sure that I didn't want to try and work on it, as the damage had already been done and there wasn't any going back for me. In case it helps, there was no major event that sparked the break up, just took me a long time to realise I had been settling.

That being said, once it was done my mental health drastically improved. I had been spending every waking minute thinking about splitting up, how to do it, how he would react, am I ruining his life, what will people think etc. Once I'd gotten it out of the way, a weight had been lifted. I genuinely felt lighter. It was by far the best thing I have ever done for myself. Good luck, the longer you build it up the worse it'll be x

Continueasweareormakeachange · 23/12/2023 23:49

@Stuckandunhappy how are you getting o

@Rjd13 thank you, it's reassuring to know I'm not alone in feeling this. Nothing really wrong here either but when I think of a future on my own I feel lighter and optimistic. Hope you're ok.

SeparatedAndFree · 23/12/2023 23:52

Not the best person to ask because I told my ex I was divorcing him when I found out he was cheating on me!

In hindsight I should have said it before then but kept expecting him to change.

If you are sure you don't ask you tell him. I would wait until January now if I was in your shoes but not much longer.

Stuckandunhappy · 25/12/2023 09:01

@Continueasweareormakeachange not great but at the same time have made a bit of progress. DH asked me yesterday if I am considering breaking up with him and I said yes. It's good that it's out there now but also means he's now sulking and not talking to me. We had a guest over for dinner last night and he didn't even come downstairs to say hi, was quite embarrassing.

@Rjd13 I think I will also have to just tell him now. Can't carry on living like this.

@SeparatedAndFree that must be the best way to do it, to tell him I want a divorce rather than asking.

MyLadyTheKingsMother · 25/12/2023 09:10

I'm sorry you're all in in this position ❤️

It never nice to know you may be about to cause someone pain but in the longterm it worth it.

They and you deserve to find happiness.

Fs365 · 25/12/2023 09:16

Stuckandunhappy · 25/12/2023 09:01

@Continueasweareormakeachange not great but at the same time have made a bit of progress. DH asked me yesterday if I am considering breaking up with him and I said yes. It's good that it's out there now but also means he's now sulking and not talking to me. We had a guest over for dinner last night and he didn't even come downstairs to say hi, was quite embarrassing.

@Rjd13 I think I will also have to just tell him now. Can't carry on living like this.

@SeparatedAndFree that must be the best way to do it, to tell him I want a divorce rather than asking.

You don’t need to tell someone that you want a divorce these days, just tell them that you are getting divorced , see a solicitor and get the ball rolling

Concernedmomma25 · 12/01/2024 17:15

Hi all, I've been with my H for 22 years, we've not been intimate for 3 years (sorry TMI) and its been on my part anyway a hard last 5 years.
I've genuinely fallen out of love with him, everything about him annoys me and I cry at night because I don't want to be in this situation anymore we have 4 children 2 live at home age 12 and 14 and my main worry is what they will feel about it. Please can someone give me some honest advise about how to approach this. Thank you

Jagoda · 12/01/2024 17:17

@Concernedmomma25 you need to start your own thread really.

Click to start new thread from Relationships.

Wowowowowowowow · 12/01/2024 19:32

It can help to have marriage therapy - then you can make sure you're sure about it/do it in a context where things will (hopefully) be clear and boundaried.

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