He keeps saying I’m micromanaging.

[Fallenleaves94]

I’m feeling so upset crying in the bathroom currently all day my partners jusr been snappy I’m the default parent and he doesn’t do much except play with the little one and he’ll out occasionally and so today when his done something or whatever and if I’ve said you’ll exhaust while he was playing with him or try to not get his clothes dirty or just anything his snapped at me and his saying I’m micromanaging and how I micromanage how he does anything with his son. Like wth I just make innocent comments no maliciousness I go back to work in 2 weeks as my mat is over but I don’t even feel like today I’ve been me with my little boy I can’t even be happy because his being like this and I just feel sad. I mean when I’m back at work he will be the sty at home anyway so no one will be there to see how he does things bearing in mind he doesn’t do much for little one unless I ask but he does play with him.

So you told him not to exhaust him and not to get his clothes dirty? Why? Young children get messy. Its natural.

It sounds like you dont trust him to look after LO when you return to work.

You're crying in the bathroom all day because of something your bloke said? Sort yourself out. You don't want your kid to get dirty? All children get dirty. That's why we have washing machines.

@Fallenleaves94
The particular issue will resolve itself when you go back to work. He is the father and he should be able to develop his own relationship with his son.

When you go back to work , you won't be around to micromanage his daily interactions with the child. Chances are you will be inclined to leave daily instructions that he will probably ignore. Is there any reason to think that he is incompetent as opposed to just having a different outlook and managing style.

That won't likely diminish the friction in your household, but it will probably change the focus.

I think you need to have a think about whether you are micromanaging his interactions with his son, it sounds like you could be.

Why is he not involved in the day to day care if his son if he is supposed to be the SAHP that soon?
I mean, at his place, I’d have wanted to know and have had some ‘experience’ under my belt before looking after full time iyswim.

I’m feeling so upset crying in the bathroom currently all day my partners jusr been snappy

Are you usually this unhappy @Fallenleaves94 or has it been more since you had DS?

Does DP ever get the chance to be with DS without you being there?

If he's playing with him, do you need to be with them? It might just be me but if my DH was happy to be with the DC for a while, there was always plenty of other stuff I could find to do.

I think you might need to apologise to DP about the comments about exhausting DS and getting his clothes dirty. DC should get dirty, it's really good for them.

I'd also talk to him about how unhappy you're feeling, whilst recognising that you are trying to control their relationship and see if you can come up with a plan of how they'll spend more time together.

Maybe he could start by doing bedtimes?

This

But that does sound like micromanaging, sorry.

Are you worried about how he will be with dc after you go back to work?

Why is he being a SAHP? Doesn't sound like he's really cut out for it.

Are you sure it’s not normal playing? What do you think he is doing to exhaust him or get his clothes dirty above the norm?

is he taking shared parental leave? Are you having a hand over period?

Having a new baby is difficult. It’s impossible to tell if you are micro managing and that’s impacting his relationship with the baby. Or just fed up that every time he interacts with the baby, it causes more problems for you so you find yourself having to tell him these things.

But both of you need to resolve this as soon as possible. If he is the sahp you can’t be coming home and telling him how he has done everything wrong. But he also needs to be ready for the responsibility.

And if you're not happy with him staying at home to look after DS, could he work and DS go to childcare?

Stop fussing about his clothes!! That's not just micromanagement, it's utterly unreasonable. And try to butt out of how your other half plays with his child, it's not for you to comment on.

Op some of this may just be about your feelings about going back to work and being away from your son and feeling like you want to be sure you are still seen a certain way as a mom. You are trying to maintain control and after being a part of your son's day to day life, it is hard to be away and turn that role over to someone else. I would guess your micromanaging him is more about your own feelings, and less about what he is doing.

I think you are really worrying where you don't need to.

A child whose had a lot of fresh air and got dirty and spent time with his dad on a summer day is a happy child! And your dh a good dad (unless there is a whole load of other stuff you haven't told us).

Are you envious of their having a good time maybe?

Try to relax and enjoy letting your DH be a dad. Have a glass of wine and read your phone!

Ps I'm sure your very anxious and sad about the end of your Mat leave. Of course you are! Try telling your DH about it rather than expressing it in these other less helpful ways.

Unhealthy behaviour that damages others doesn't have to be intentional. On the one hand, a person should feel free to discuss things and comment on things that make them feel uncomfortable.

On the other hand, but I'm sorry, but characterising this as you 'just making innocent comments no maliciousness' is something I recognise from people who are controlling.

They won't come out and say 'Yes I'm controlling, and just want you to do everything how I want, when I want, the way I would do it'.

Instead, they slowly and persistently grind you down with 'innocent' comments that are meant to manover you into place. They carry on until you do everything how they want 100%.

If you don't do what they want, they will throw a strop or sulk & give the other person the silent treatment as punishment. It's hard work being around people like that as everything has to be on their terms, their liking.

As an additional note, controlling people are often anxious people who lack the empathy or self-reflection to curb their behaviour. Instead of dealing with their anxiety, they try to control their environment, which then includes the people in it.

Please do not infantilise your child to the point they are scared to explore without you holding their hand all the time, without always having your approval. It could permanently damage your relationship with them.

Why is it you going back to work and not both of you? What did he do before you had your baby?

Op. Said with kindness... but you do sound like you micromanage him.. he is a parent just like you. He isn't a childminder.

It does sound like anxiety-based controlling issues on your part, OP.