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Original poster

Think I've really f**ked this up

15 replies

BirdieMc · 04/06/2023 16:24

My BF and I have just decided to take a break. We've been together for just under 18 months. We should still be in the honeymoon period but we're far from it and have been the last few weeks.
I've recently found out he'd run into some financial issues. We don't live together so granted he didn't really have to tell me. But it upset me that he didn't feel like he could approach me. Even though I know he's not the type who likes to talk about things, he'd rather keep it to himself. But still, I was pissed. This also happened to coincide with him spending extra time with a female friend of his. Younger. Very pretty. She and I have never been keen on each other. I know he hasn't been unfaithful. I know he wasn't even confiding in her about his issues. It was more the fact that he was going to her to take his mind off things. They'd just go and have a few drinks and I wouldn't hear from him during this time. Think that's what pissed me off the most. I just keep going over it with him to the extent that we've spent the last month arguing. I'm like a dog with a bone, I can't let it go. I need to give my head a wobble, build a bridge and get over it. And hope to hell the break works cause I'd be heartbroken if my unresolved issues from previous relationships f**ks this one up.
Sorry for the long post, I just needed to let it out.

OP posts:
Stratocumulus · 04/06/2023 16:31

I think you know the answer.
The break isn’t going to work.
He’s keeping you on the back burner just in case he needs to return to you when the younger model doesn’t pan out.
I’m not intending to be hurtful or harsh but I think I’d think long and hard whilst you’re on this “break.”
Nevertheless, I hope it works out positively in the end.

Sunnyfeelgood · 04/06/2023 16:32

Don't blame his shitty behaviour on your unresolved issues. That is a road to an awful relarionship

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 04/06/2023 16:34

Ok, my outsider's perspective is that he's not right for you. I don't think he values you enough. Nothing to do with "unresolved issues"... Who gave you that idea?

Ryah76 · 04/06/2023 18:35

It’s not you it’s him.

Thebigblueballoon · 04/06/2023 18:39

18 months isn’t really the honeymoon period. It’s more of a “decide if we’re in it for the long-term” period.
What’s the history of this friendship? Is it years long or a new development? When they go out, is it always just the two of them?
And can you tell us more about these financial difficulties, and how you found out about them?

Readyplayerthr33 · 04/06/2023 18:40

Do none of you go out with a friend when you’re in a relationship? And when I’m out with a friend, I certainly don’t sit there texting my partner. I’m out with a friend; of course I’m not in contact with my partner.

So, what’s he actually done? He has a friend you don’t like, purely because she is young and pretty, but he has never been unfaithful. And you won’t stop hounding him for hanging out with his friend. And he has some financial problems but you don’t live together and don’t share finances. So, you’re angry he didn’t tell you yet but you obviously know now so he was just building up to telling you and this is how you react? You’re mad at him and hounding him for hanging out with a friend?

Get a grip. Along with all the others above who think he did something wrong.

Missingmyusername · 04/06/2023 18:50

Readyplayerthr33 · 04/06/2023 18:40

Do none of you go out with a friend when you’re in a relationship? And when I’m out with a friend, I certainly don’t sit there texting my partner. I’m out with a friend; of course I’m not in contact with my partner.

So, what’s he actually done? He has a friend you don’t like, purely because she is young and pretty, but he has never been unfaithful. And you won’t stop hounding him for hanging out with his friend. And he has some financial problems but you don’t live together and don’t share finances. So, you’re angry he didn’t tell you yet but you obviously know now so he was just building up to telling you and this is how you react? You’re mad at him and hounding him for hanging out with a friend?

Get a grip. Along with all the others above who think he did something wrong.

I think op is hurt that he didn’t confide in her about the money worries.
Op isn’t hounding- they’re not together. They should be happy, it’s early days.

He sounds immature. I’m not sure I could be bothered to “get a grip” 😂 I’d be setting him free and hoping he didn’t return!

AutumnCrow · 04/06/2023 18:57

I've never liked this whole idea of 'you should be in the honeymoon period'. It's very reductionist.

Adult couples are going to encounter actual issues along the way from the get go, and they have to deal with them. Some fictional 'honeymoon period' twaddle where it all gets glossed over because of delightful fairyblosson lovetrails isn't a realistic barometer of compatibility.

OP, I don't think you're compatible with him; and I don't think I'd expend any more resources (time and energy) on him tbh.

clpsmum · 04/06/2023 19:03

This is not you. I wouldn't be happy with my bf going out drinking with another woman and ignoring the phone tbh I am insecure though!!

GoodChat · 04/06/2023 19:08

You have been together for 18 months and you're not the person he confides in. The break wont fix that.

Aprilx · 04/06/2023 19:15

I wouldn’t have said you should be in a honeymoon period at 18 months, unless you are very young, I would have been more thinking along the lines of is there a future here.

I don’t really think he has done anything wrong though, as you don’t live together he doesn’t need to tell you about his finances and he has met a friend and you are sure that nothing untoward is going on, so you are simply complaining that he met up with a friend. But I think this is the end, breaks really don’t work and are not a sign of a good relationship.

Original poster
BirdieMc · 04/06/2023 19:40

Thebigblueballoon · 04/06/2023 18:39

18 months isn’t really the honeymoon period. It’s more of a “decide if we’re in it for the long-term” period.
What’s the history of this friendship? Is it years long or a new development? When they go out, is it always just the two of them?
And can you tell us more about these financial difficulties, and how you found out about them?

They've been friends for years. It's just gone from a pint every couple of months to a lot more messaging and seeing each other. Don't get me wrong, she invites me out too. I've told him how their friendship has made me feel lately. He said he wasn't aware and meant nothing by it. It's just lately, his mates are obsessed with money and it's all they talk about. He can just have a laugh and chat shite with her.
The money woes. He told me. I'd noticed he was stressed and I eventually got it out of him. He fell a month or 2 behind on a few bills and buried his head in the sand for a bit. He's sorted that out and he's almost back to his old self. I just can't help being worried, I'm crap at reading signs. My ex managed to hide a drink problem, gambling problem and a long term girlfriend from me. I was oblivious. It just hurts that a man who has been talking about marriage feels that he can't talk to me about his problems.

OP posts:
Original poster
BirdieMc · 04/06/2023 19:43

GoodChat · 04/06/2023 19:08

You have been together for 18 months and you're not the person he confides in. The break wont fix that.

He doesn't confide in anyone. I just had hoped after this length of time he'd consider opening up a bit. He's such a stubborn ass when it comes to his emotions.

OP posts:
suburbophobe · 04/06/2023 20:26

It just hurts that a man who has been talking about marriage feels that he can't talk to me about his problems.

Not marriage material I'm afraid.

He'd rather talk to some other woman. Could be a friend, no problem.

Fact is, he's talking to her, not to you.

I would not be putting any more energy into this relationship.

Daisydu · 04/06/2023 20:30

You do need to give your head a wobble, for thinking you need to accept he has a female friend he spends time with without you, who isn’t keen on you, and he goes off the radar when he’s with her. That should stop for a start.

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