AIBU ?

[DustyLee123]

The answer is probably yes.
DH has a habit of announcing on the day what he has planned to do. Like today, no plans made between us but I’m going to clean the kitchen. He announces at 12MD that he’s going to visit his DM in the home.
It’s not about what he’s doing, it’s about the fact that he always does this.
If ask him to let me know in advance I’d be accused of nagging.

I think that in a situation where you haven’t made plans to do anything together or he knows you already have plans which don’t include him, it’s fine. Sometimes people make last minute decisions. What’s the reason you’d like advance notice?

I just think that if he knew yesterday that he was doing something, he’d say so. I just find it rude not to tell me when he’s obviously made plans in his head. Perhaps I expect to be treated the way I treat him, I write any plans on the calendar or tell him.

I think it's only an issue if plans have already been made and out of nowhere he changes them. Other than that surely it should be fine?? Sometimes people decide to do things on the spot

I'm an adult. If we have no plans, then I don't need to give advanced notice if I'm popping out to my husband.

Unless there is a drip feed, where he said he would do xyz then I'm not sure what the issue is.

Unless you have children, I would find having to let you know my plans in advance really stifling, sometimes I just want to see how I feel on the day, not be held to account if I change my mind and decide to go for a walk or something else, which is how I imagine living with you would be like.

You're assuming he pre-planned. Many people decide things on the spur of the moment - and that's perfectly normal and OK.

Do you never do things spontaneously?

I know he pre planned as he organises who is going when with his siblings.

Is it really a big deal if he is visiting mum in a care home and you have no plans. Don't make issues where there needs to be none.

It’s not about where he has gone, it’s about the fact that he always does this, he has planned something in his head but doesn’t tell me. But as I say, if I were to ask for some thought/consideration I’d be called a nag.

I have plans to clean the kitchen if nothing better comes up. He doesn’t do cleaning, but that’s another thread !

YABU

Is he asking you to come along? No.

Was he going to be helping you at home. No. (Agreed, that's a separate issue)

Do you have children he is meant to be supervising while you clean?

That's the issue.

Edit. If he's meant to be watching children then YANBU.

If you started whinging at me for deciding to go see a parent in a care home, you'd be called a lot worse than a nag. Just because you're married, doesn't mean you need to control him.

You are not his boss.

Unless there's a drip feed about shirking responsibilities or avoiding other plans, then why should he book time to visit his Mum?

I think I'm TeamYou on this one @DustyLee123 . I've just had a convo with DH where he planned something that affects me with other people, and have used the words "There is more than you living in this house. We need to have a convo and agree between all of us what suits". There may have been a shrill tone involved. I think when peeps live together, it's perfectly reasonable to discuss plans when you know them. Like you say, he could have said when the plan was made with the siblings.

It's sometimes like they act as a single person, with no proper consideration for the other party. Some of the responses of YABU are based on the virtue of him visiting a parent. Presumably this is part of a pattern rather than a one off, so YANBU.

Is I’ve said more than once, it’s not about what he’s doing today, for me it’s a lack of thought and consideration. But maybe I’ll just start not letting him know my plans.

You didn't answer if he's meant to be watching children while you clean. We can't give an opinion without that information.

It’s not relevant, neither is where he’s going today.

Have to admit I don’t understand your issue here, you say you had no plans for today, and now he has gone to visit his DM , seems like a completely reasonable thing for him to do 🤷🏼

Sorry but I don't really see the issue? You have no plans together and he's decided to visit his DM. Why does he have to tell you in advance? You're not his keeper.

I don't understand the issue? Do you have DC that you were hoping he would mind while you cleaned the kitchen or something? If not, did you expect him to just hang about the house while you cleaned the kitchen? I don't get it?

So if he had told you yesterday would you have made different plans for today?

So I'm assuming no, he wasn't supposed to be minding children.

You just wanted him to tell you in advance what his plans were.

And he did tell you in advance.

He didn't say, 'I'm at the nursing home.' Therefore you were told in advance.

It just wasn't far enough in advance for you.

You want what, 24 hours notice?

Why?

Not being snarky. Genuinely think about why?

You were not being asked to go anywhere or do anything or change any of your plans.

Did you inform him of your plan to clean the kitchen before today? If your cleaning involves him in some way maybe him helping, doing another task, minding children etc then you should have asked if he had any plans for today rather than assume he was available for you to decide what he needed to do. Sorry op I also cannot see what he did wrong.

Is I’ve said more than once, it’s not about what he’s doing today, for me it’s a lack of thought and consideration. But maybe I’ll just start not letting him know my plans.

What does he need to be considerate of ? presumably he's not helping you or responsible for anything else, so whether he's sat on his backside watching TV or out visiting his mum makes no difference to you.
The only time this would be regarded as inconsiderate imo is if ihe had let you down, or messed up your plans in some way by not telling you, otherwise can't see why it matters. You both got to follow your plans today.