Struggling with being single

[Lm4065]

Hi all

I’m 30 and have been single for almost 4 years now. My last relationship took a while for me to get over as he was stalking me after I broke it off and it took a while for me to be open to dating someone new again. I’ve been OLD for two years on and off.
most of my friends are in long term relationships and are getting married /having babies. I have a couple of friends who do make digs at me for being single and they make me feel like there is something wrong with me. Unfortunately these girls are part of a larger group of friends that I don’t want to cut off, but I am trying to engage with them as little as possible.
I really miss having a boyfriend and really want to get married and have kids at some point. The pressure from society is getting to me too - this really ramped up when I turned 30. Everything else in my life is fine, I have my own place and have a successful career. I just find the standard of single men is quite low! I have some friends that are in awful relationships and I don’t want that, I only want a healthy relationship. I do in general have high expectations of myself and others but I wonder if I am being realistic? I really just want someone kind, driven and with their shit together. I don’t really have a physical type. I’ve heard it’s a numbers game but I’ve been on many dates and still no one that has stuck. I was seeing someone last year for almost 3 months but he just lost interest. Really feeling lonely right now. Does anyone have any insight into where I am going wrong? Thanks for reading!

You aren't going wrong! You could easily be in a relationship in the next few months if you lowered your standards, like some of your friends have done. But you dont want to and nor should you. You just have to wait it out until you find someone worthy of your time. OLD is the pits though, any chance of meeting someone in person?

Agreed, OP. I had 2 serious relationships and various very short-term things between 16 and 23 and was then single (with the odd bit of dating here and there, including a 3-month type thing also) until nearly 30.

In the intervening period and as my 20s went on and i remained single, I talked myself into fancying various men. Nothing ever stuck. None of them were truly interested in me. As I turned 29, I was working full-time and studying part-time and just decided I was too busy to waste time on men who weren’t really that interesting to me or interested in me. I met my now DH shortly afterwards. Many of my friends only met their life partners during their 30s.

Keep your standards high, OP. No friend worth their salt will dig at you for being single. Ignore the bitchy comments.

You have plenty of time, and you don't have to scrape the barrel. My advice is to concentrate on getting out of the house and doing fun things which are the sort of things you would want to do in your aspirational best life (with or without Mr Right), rather than scrolling the dreaded dating sites/apps. Worst case scenario, you've done some cool things!

I personally found dating sites a waste of time - most of the guys I met were either serial daters who were completely uninterested in a relationship, or from the first date it was entirely obvious why they were single (I assume being able to hold a normal human conversation to also be a prerequisite for you!). Honestly, I got so fed up of scrolling the sites with all these guys who supposedly want to travel, or want to do adventurous things.... I met my OH at 29 when we were both out "doing the thing"; I would much rather have someone who got off their phone, stopped talking about it and got on with doing something to achieve their goals.

Your friends are a bit awful but ignore the bitchy comments, and however terrible their relationships are probably don't be tempted to snap back, because it won't help. Just sip your drink thinking how smug you can be when they have wasted X number of the best years of their lives on a total loser. (The advice above applies equally to making friends btw!) You have no ties and can go and live your best life right now!

Try to find ways to enjoy you being single so that when you meet someone you'll be a more mature person. There's emotional growth we're all going through in our lives.

Maybe speak to someone if you dated a man who was capable of stalking you after the break up. Or you can read up on the red flags and all that.