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Original poster

I found messages on his phone

15 replies

Louisalo · 04/06/2023 11:27

A year ago I found messages on my partners phone from someone he used to work with, a women. Yes I looked through his phone because something felt off.
These messages started 3 years ago, when he left his old workplace, he messaged said women asking if anyone asked her about them both, as they was both very flirtatious around each other, and almost got caught at one point, doing whay i dont know...
There was also messages about her asking him if he remembers when he was going to leave me, (he obviously didn't have the balls to). Also he called her his lady and the love of his life.
After a while contact stopped but then he messaged her 2 years ago wishing her a happy new year(also my birthday).

I confronted her she said it was nothing but flirting and nothing else happened.
I confronted him obviously and he said he didn't know why he did it.

I told him I was leaving him and he could see the children whenever he wanted.
Long story short I've stayed but I've not felt right since, he's carried on like everything is okay.
We're there for the children, he works nights and we only see each other weekends, I'm also putting his feelings before mine but now it's getting to the point where all I'm thinking about is this other women and what he said to her.
I feel like I'm stuck, I want to leave but it's so hard with 2 young children.
Any advice would be appreciated.

Sorry for the long post and thank you for reading it all.

OP posts:
NannyOggsWhiskyStash · 04/06/2023 11:30

Your husband has been a shit, but it was a year ago, so you have to decide if you can trust him again, if not, then the relationship can't really move forward. How are you with each other? Do you have fun, are you caring towards each other?

PaigeMatthews · 04/06/2023 11:45

this life isnt fair on anyone. Most importantly the children who will grow up thinking a loveless affectionless marriage is normal.

how is everything else in the house shared? Drop offs / pick ups / housework / cooking / life admin / financies?

Original poster
Louisalo · 04/06/2023 11:55

Ive really tried for a year and i keep sweeping all those feelings to the back of my head but then they keep popping back up.
We are caring towards one another, he would do anything for me in an instant.
We don't get much time together as we are busy with the children and we have no other support around us so don't get much adult time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Louisalo · 04/06/2023 11:59

Everything in the house is shared from picks ups to house work and finance. We both work so have a fair share in most things, apart from he likes to spend like he has no priorities like bills and sometimes I have to remind him of these things.

OP posts:
Rainbowsandfairies · 04/06/2023 12:53

Sorry you're going through this- it's shit!!! Only you can decide what to do but if the trust is broken, it's broken!!! Take care X

007DoubleOSeven · 04/06/2023 12:55

Ultimately, do you think leaving will be harder than staying?

What do you actually want?

PaigeMatthews · 04/06/2023 15:10

Have you had any counselling?

booksandbrews · 04/06/2023 16:19

You can’t move on because you don’t actually know what happened. So you’re stuck in limbo.

brunettemic · 04/06/2023 17:46

You looked through his phone because you don’t trust him, why else would you do it. You already know the answer to what you want, you knew when you picked up his phone.

MsDogLady · 04/06/2023 21:01

Agree with @booksandbrews.

@Louisalo, I urge you to prioritize your feelings and your healing. You’re unsettled because you don’t know exactly what you’re forgiving. A truly remorseful partner will come clean with honesty and transparency. Until you have the full story of your P’s affair, it will be impossible to move forward and rebuild trust and peace of mind.

So far, you know P told OW that she was the love of his life and that he was going to leave you. They were openly flirting at work, and he was confiding in her. They were ‘almost caught’ doing something.

He must provide the whole truth, including:
*What was the timeline of their illicit adventure?
*Were they meeting up 1:1 (and where) or pairing off when in a group?
*Did their EA move into a PA?
*What were they were almost caught doing?

*What did he tell OW about you and your marriage?
*Was he spending money on OW?

I would encourage you to investigate his phone/bank/card statements from that time.

He also needs to make a huge effort (IC, infidelity recovery books, forums, etc.) to explore his character weaknesses that permitted his lying and cheating. Saying, ‘I don’t know why’ is a pathetic copout which does nothing to safeguard his fidelity or restore your trust.

Consider seeking IC for support and clarity as you navigate all of this. @Louisalo, knowledge is power. Once you have much more information, it should be easier to weigh your options and make your decision to stay or walk away.

,

MsDogLady · 04/06/2023 21:07

…and rebuild your trust and peace of mind.

MsDogLady · 04/06/2023 21:49

Also meant: What were they almost caught doing?

yousexybugger · 05/06/2023 15:28

Do you actually want to stay and try to make things work together or work towards leaving?

If you want to stay, or to decide clearly, then I think you need to reopen this matter and ask for full disclosure of what happened as he isn't being open with you, he's just hoping this will go away.

Saying 'you're the love of my life, I'm going to leave my spouse' is not just a bit of flirting.

Remember if more comes out than you're happy to live with then it's fine to change your mind from staying to leaving.

I think you should insist on marriage counselling as he isn't taking this seriously and that's the least he owes you. 'I don't know' isn't an explanation or an adequate answer. Neither is minimising.

You need clarity and remorse to build on. If he won't at least allow you those then I'm not sure what you can do to genuinely move past this.

Mmhmmn · 16/10/2023 10:36

You don't have to keep staying just because you didn't leave a year ago.

He's a shit, has betrayed you and made you unhappy, and will in all likelihood do it again. All these posts about finding out the truth 🙄- you saw enough of the truth on his phone in the fact that he was texting another woman and cheating on you. You don't need further information to know that he's a liar and a cheat and that you're unhappy with him.

Banana1979 · 16/10/2023 10:41

I would ask him if he is happy -obviously he cheated on you. I don’t care if he did nothing or if it was kissing or fumbling he may have cheated he may not have, but it was obviously a short-term thing where he enjoyed the attention. He didn’t leave you and has been with you since normally so it could be one of those things where he just loveed the attention from elsewhere but didn’t want to take things further - but the love of his life? She obviously stopped with him because he never left you hence why she asked -sounds like she’s stop bothering with him because he didn’t leave
or it was just a Fling whilst they were working in the same place for the attention, but u really do need to talk this out with him via counselling

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