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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I leave him?

3 replies

Pixiedust138 · 04/06/2023 11:18

I have no friends that I feel I could talk about this so I’m really looking for some third party advice please… I’ve been with my partner for around three years now, we live together, we have a 1 year old. I’ve really been feeling that there is no romantic connection between us, we rarely have sex, we don’t go out for dates ever, we both have stressful jobs, the time we get when our child is in bed we spend on our phones and him on his Xbox, rather than using it as any meaningful time together. Money is tight and we don’t have family nearby to help with childcare so there’s not really an easy way for us to be able to do things alone as a couple.

I don’t know if this is just a consequence of all of the above factors but I’m massively questioning the future of our relationship. We’re both young, late twenties and I just feel like is this really it for us? I love him, of course. But I no longer feel sexually attracted to him and I can’t help feeling sad that there’s no chemistry, no spark anymore and wondering if it’s going to be like this for decades until one of us has an affair or decides they want a divorce etc.

I’ve been thinking about what I really loved about him when we first got together. He made me feel so safe and secure and treated me so well. He really felt like a partner and like we were a team and could do anything. It was that actually that made me so sure he would be such a great dad and why he had kids so early in the relationship. When I think back to how he was then, he’s honestly changed a lot in two years and now we bicker constantly, always getting on each others nerves and getting frustrated with each other. It doesn’t feel so much like a partner ship anymore. He’s not a bad person at all, we’re both just stressed out and tired from life.

I just don’t know what to do for the best.

OP posts:
CuriouslyDifferent · 04/06/2023 11:36

Talk.

Phones are bad.

Consoles are too.

suggest the date nights
don’t expect it to be easy to rekindle things

highlight that things aren’t working- and if things don’t change, the marriage will fail.

it’s not about blame. It’s just about being realistic about the path you are on.

life is hard. Western society seems to have adopted the strange philosophy that stress is normal and sometimes good for you. It’s not. It’s good for productivity. Not for health, relationships, life. Employers, no matter their rhetoric consider employees disposable, replaceable. I know there are good employers, one change of management can change that quickly. I’ve been at the top, the discussions we’ve had, never overtly stated, anyone can be replaced, highly skilled expensive roles, get broken down into less skilled compartmented, easier to replace, cheaper.

so, focus on what you do together. Walks, time with the little one, get out of the house as a family, discard the devices, ensure there are more boundaries between work and life. As an example, Yes it’s good to unload on each other about work stresses, but spending 45 going on about your day and the other person listening is likely to make them irritable.

if the jobs are too stressfull, find one that isn’t or is more accomodating to family life. Quiet quit if necessary.

Covid taught the world that work wasn’t everything. Make sure you don’t forget that. Big houses mean nothing if you are in it alone and no family around you.

Don’t be the wife that gives up easily. Relationships can be tough going at times. Make it through the tough bits together, generally unless someone’s been deceitful or violent, the challenge makes it stronger long term.

and don’t expect it to be easy. None of us are perfect, but we might be perfect for each other.

perfectcolourfound · 04/06/2023 19:20

It can be hard when you have a baby. The lack of sleep, lack of 'me' and 'us' time, adjusting to huge change, you're no longer each others' main focus. It isn't unusual to go through a rough patch.

If he's a decent person, and you were once in love, it might be better to try to rekindle your feelings before you walk away. It would be a shame to walk away if this is just a temporary thing. And if you try, and fail, at least you'll know you've tried.

Talk to him. Work on this together. He may also be missing those times. Come up with some small actions that can bring you closer. It might take time, but if you know you're both invested it could work.

If he won't engage, or discuss it, then you have your answer.

Watchkeys · 04/06/2023 19:26

I don’t know if this is just a consequence of all of the above factors

No. You have time together on your own when the baby is sleeping. You could both be initiating conversation about your relationship then.

What stops you?

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