Ok so I trust easily in relationships until I notice behaviours that make me question things. Ive (36) Been with BF (40) a year and a half. Massive ups and downs. Had abortion early on and he's had the snip as a result, a firm message that he doesn't want anymore. Fair enough his decision. It was my decision to stay with him and work through those doubts and come to terms with it. I already have a son (8) and BF has a daughter (5).
We met at work and a couple of my female co workers warned me against him saying he was a creep etc, which I put down to jealousy and tbh he wasn't a creep in my opinion. Even though there were rumours saying he'd slept with someone in the toilets and flirts eith everyone etc, rumours of him having affairs etc. Which he denied to me and i believed. Love bombing in the beginning, he was claiming I was his soul mate etc. sending soppy quotes all the time etc and we became official pretty much immediately. There was a spark and it felt right. We spent all of our time together when we could, and that's how it's been pretty much since we started. When he doesn't have his daughter he'll stay at mine, when i don't have my son i'll stay at his. It was nice being with someone who actually wanted to spend his time with me. I was so used to spending most of my time by myself, that this was a big change but it felt normal and like he wasn't encroaching on my time if that makes sense. Ive been 100% loyal to him since before our first date, if im interested in someone i have no time for anybody else, the urge is not there for me to want attention from multiple people, I'm not even attracted to anybody else. And maybe im too narrow minded in expecting that from a partner.
Early on though I noticed his behaviour was a bit strange and it's difficult to really explain it. He won't admit it but he's very insecure. He never talked about his friends even though it was clear he did have, I could not tell you a single friend of his tbh as he never talks about it. I on the other hand am quite a loner, I don't have many people I talk to but those that I do, I will tell my BF about it, say I got a message from a friend or whatever I'll tell my BF oh I heard from blahdi blah today a.d talknopemly about it.
But anyway back to his strange behaviour, I think he's very incapable of letting me know him on a deeper level. He keeps saying I'm his one and that he won't leave, but then again he's not a very open book either:/ the sex is great and I feel when the sex is good he will be a lot more affectionate in general and compliment me to no end about how attractive and sexy and lucky he is to have me, he can't believe his luck etc.. like he goes on and on about it to the point of obsession and i kind of feel its a bit over the top (this is IF the sex is regular) because i'm literally average looking. Fair enough he feels closer to me when we're physically intimate, that's his love language. His strange behaviour comes when he acts all awkward around me sometimes:/ like it's like two different people, when the sex is good and regular we have a laugh, relax around each other. When it's not and I'm not sure if it is correlated to the sex, but quite often he'll act really awkward around me like i'm a complete stranger to him and has no idea what to say to me. He'll go really quiet like I've done something wrong or said something wrong, if I ask about his day it'll be surface level answers like he'd give a friend kind of thing, the messages will be quite formal, if I ask him if he's OK he'll say he's fine and turn it back on me.
He's upset me a few times but is totally incapable of saying sorry. Only once he's said sorry to me in all this time, and that's after we had a day out with the kids a while ago and he went extremely quiet and withdrawn into himself he wouldn't speak to me at all, I thought we were having a nice day out but he ruined it with his mood for whatever reason. we got back to his and I literally begged him to tell me what the problem was and it's because when I was showing him pictures of that day (to try and get conversation put of him), he saw a selfie I took that morning (just to see what I looked like i dont think that's uncommon, fully dressed nothing sexy at all just a photo of me) and it triggered him, but it diesnt exolain why he was in a mood before that though and I begged him to snap out of it and he eventually did and apologised because I was asking him if he wanted me and my boy to leave because he made me feel so unwelcome. but that is the only time he's ever apologised for his behaviour. Even though he's been like that many times since. We will have arguments where he says f all to me all day, create awkwardness and when I bring it up he'll find a way to turn it onto me and make it my fault and then it turns into an argument. When i bring something up that is upsetting me with him, he will mirror it back to me without thinking, like its an automatic response to me bringing something up he will throw it back in my face immediately when it's not true, to deflect from him and minimise what I'm saying and that way nothing ever gets resolved. He gets very defensive and almost childlike, he sulks without trying to talk things through. And his favourite lines are 'you clearly don't trust me', 'it's nice to know what you really think of me' 'I don't know what you want me to say'. He will wait for me to make plans, arrange things etc it's like the whole of this relationship weighs on my shoulders, because if I'm not reaching out to him, if I'm not initiating plans, if I'm not suggesting I go over to his then it won't happen. And he'll 'assume' that I don't want to when it would be nice for him to have a bit more confidence and be more proactive.
Before Christmas he acted quite a bit out of character and actually accused me of deleting messages from someone which was completely untrue. He was adamant it was someone starting with the letter D and I was wrecking my brain trying to explain to him that it was not true, I was going through my friends list asking him if he recognised any of the names he thinks he saw, I told him countless times I don't talk to anyone on messenger and if I do i'll tell him about it. But he was adamant I had deleted messages which simply wasn't true and it really baffled me tbh. But looking back I genuinely think it was him projecting onto me what he's been doing. It's like he did not want to believe me. Christmas was shit with him, he wasn't willing to be flexible to spend it properly with me and my boy or as a family so that was shit. Would have been nice to spend it together all 4 of us but he didn't want that. Anyway things been OK since Christmas. But still up and down. I caught him on a WhatsApp group last week he's never mentioned it before, like i said,I know he chats to people he just doesn't say who, is very very cagey about it and when I ask who is blahdiblah he will become defensive and say 'what do you mean?' Like I cannot ask a simpler question but it's like I'm asking him a difficult maths question. I struggle to be vulnerable around him because he can be quite judgmental especially if it's about us. I said something Thursday night and instead of listening he seemed to be defending the person I was talking about like he didn't believe me. Anyway that triggered something in me. And the the subject of trust came up. I trust him with a lot of things, but to blindly trust that he won't ever betray me is something I really struggle to accept, especially with him being so cagey about who he talks to. I told him countless times i dont mind him having friends, female friends as long as he doesnt talk about personal stuff about me to them , or strike up emotional connection with them. I gave him my phone and told him he could look through it and he immediately said he doesnt want to even though i have nothing to hide. I asked of I could see his phone and he said no, he shouldn't have to because I should trust him. When he's a closed book how does he expect me to do that. So anyway there's no emotional connection or respect there on either side probably and a complete inability to be open and honest on his part. I've always known it was more of a physical connection rather than emotional. Fairly recently he's also been very very keen on me having sex with another man with him. Like he's literally talked about it like he wants it to happen and that he was planning on it happening. Like if you truly loved someone I would hope you'd respect them enough not to pimp them out to any Tom dick or Harry. Like I can't imagine degrading someone you love like that. I got upset when I realised he was actually serious about wanting to do that and told him it feels like I'm not enough for him sexually even though the sex is great. Fair enough if it was a casual relationship but he's made out that I'm his soul mate and he wants to spend rest of his life with me, but for him to happily see me with another man is a red flag for me personally. So anyway we had sex Thursday night and I felt no emotional connection with him, it's the last straw now. We said f all to each other Thursday morning, he got in his car without saying f all to me and drove off and it's now Sunday morning and we've not spoken to each other at all. He's off every weekend with his daughter, I'm off this weekend with my son, usually I'd suggest we do something or usually I'd go over to his because he's happier me going there than them coming here. But tbh I couldn't be bothered messaging him. It's always me that reaches out and I'm sick of it and genuinely feel a sense of relief. And tbh me and my boy had a nice day yesterday together, we're chilling out today. I could chill out yesterday and do my own thing without worrying what i've done to upset him or give me the silent treatment.BF will always copy or mirror what I do. If I change my profile picture to me and my boy, he'll change it to him and his daughter, if I don't message he won't message, if I don't talk he won't talk, if I dont plan anything he won't plan anything, if I don't invite myself over he won't invite me, if I'm in a mood he's in a mood, if I'm upset with him he's upset with me there's just no independent thinking there on his part. And tbh I'm done with it. Its draining. It's heavy. It's not real love. It's co dependency. So I'm just going to wait and see if he has the balls now to reach out to me for a change and talk about things like an adult, or whether he's going to be a coward and ignore the problem.