What a situation…

[QueenieK]

I’ve found myself unexpectedly pregnant.
I’m 40 and DH is 48, we have 2 DC who are 15 & 10.
To cut a long back story short - I had to have fertility treatment for DC2 and that was 11yrs ago - I hit 40 at the end of last year and in January got my implant removed to feel more “normal”, and because quite frankly I felt I’d done my bit.
I strongly encouraged dh to have a vasectomy but he wouldn’t… as a side note I thought it wouldn’t be needed due to my history anyway, plus only had 3 week cycles.

fast forward 4 months and here we are - very unexpected for lots of reasons age and history mainly.

DH is Not ok… and wants me to terminate.
I’m talking panic attacks and if I’m honest it’s like he’s grieving.
He’s been a good dad, but I do the bulk of the parenting and I know I’d be ok with or without him in that respect.
he’s worried about his age and losing the life we have now.
We’ve never talked on what life looks like when the kids have left home but all of a sudden he is?, I have wondered what would happen between us when the kids leave home- would we even still be together?
As they are getting older I feel more redundant (if that makes sense), oldest dc is leaving school next year and youngest starting senior school so we’re in a different place in life.

I’m so torn because I’m the one that would have to live with my decision (either way) and although babies are great it’s the 2-3-4 yr old and peppa pig I’d struggle with - then again how are my kids even the age they are? It’s like I’ve blinked and missed it.

80% of the time I feel certain of keeping the baby then we talk and I do see his point of view, but then the anxiety I feel I would have walking into the hospital and going through that makes me feel ill.
If he turned around and said we’ll make it work and was onboard, I’d be happy - but that won’t happen because he’s selfish and always has been although he said he’s trying not to be it’s all been “I can’t do this, I’m too old” etc.

This doesn't directly relate to your predicament, but what are his thoughts on him sorting his contraception now this has happened?

I can feel how gobsmacked and conflicted you are from your writing but if your DH refused to have a vasectomy or pick up the responsibility for contraception then I think you get the casting vote here and he needs to live with that and support you either way. Is there someone you can take the time to weigh this up with impartially, close friend, counsellor maybe?

If you're leaning towards having the baby then it's absolutely ok to go with that. It took the 2 of you to become pregnant so don't be emotionally blackmailed. If you feel you would rather maintain the life you have then that is fine too. Don't feel that the struggles you faced earlier mean you're somehow obliged to have this baby if you'd prefer not to. All I'm saying is it's your choice at this stage, DH has made his point but it's your body and he chose not to take precautions. Can you ask him to give you space and calm to think clearly without all the panic?

Well, he's telling you in no uncertain terms where he stands (and yes, he should've taken responsibility for contraception but he didn't and it's the here and now which matters at the moment).
It sounds like it's opened up a can of worms in terms of examining your relationship and whichever way you go there could be lasting effects.

Personally, I couldn't imagine anything worse than starting again with a baby at the stage you're at now. It's interesting you say you feel a bit redundant - don't have a baby to feel needed again. I don't know how things are with your 15 year old but I find things much more psychologically challenging/draining now mine are all teenagers (and they're not wild or difficult really) and couldn't imagine juggling a toddler amongst all that too. Plus, of course, given your age the baby's chances of having additional issues increase.

Needless to say he’s willing to go and get done now.
I almost feel like he’s saying all the right things but too late down the line.

Does he know that you're feeling like this about him?

I'd actually be very cross at dh in your shoes op. I know it's 'stable door & bolted' but how dare he not go and sort his contraception after you've been through fertility treatment, implants etc, and now put this on you which, let's be honest, is also his doing! I'd be telling him to go and book an appointment at the gp next week and sort it.

Back to the actual matter at hand, he's set his stall out to you, if you chose to keep the baby then it'll likely spell the end to the relationship, and unfortunately this is all your decision. A lot of people get empty nest syndrome, but it's not the end of the world, just a different chapter. But also another child isn't the end of the world either and some people will happily have children throughout all their lives. Look at a few considerations

Can you afford it on your own
Do you have the energy
How will it impact work
How will it impact the other children

You say you wondered if you’d even be together when kids were grown. Do you think he is the same and now sees himself tied to you indefinitely, which is why he has reacted how he has? Do you think he thought in a few years he could leave?
I don’t know, it sounds to me like you’re leaning towards having the baby. Don’t let him blackmail you, OP.

The harsh reality is that even if you said I'm taking my implant out and he didnt put a condom on and get a vasectomy he can still walk away if he so chooses. He is telling you how he feels, I would feel the same as him now our DS is a bit older, difference is I'd have the autonomy to make the decision as a woman (rightly of course); the thought of starting again literally makes me feel sick.

You need to make a decision based on him walking away which is the scenario that would bring the biggest change. He might change his mind and be supportive down the line, but I wouldn't count on it sadly. There's no point thinking he should do x, it was his fault or whatever else as it doesn't change the fact he can do as he pleases; whether he should or not is a separate thing.

I think you get the casting vote here

Women always get the 'casting vote' over their own bodies. What we can't control is how men react and deal with that.

Neither of you took responsibility for contraception. You both willingly engaged in unprotected sex.

What shouts out to me is you say you feel redundant as your children are older. That is not a good reason to have a baby. It's not a plaster for your feelings and shouldn't be justification for bringing a new life into this world.

Also- what will the impact be on your existing children? It's going to change things for them hugely.

Your H is clear. Could you cope as a single parent if he left you over this?

If you terminate your pregnancy this may eat away at you and you may resent your partner for making you make that decision. It may end your relationship anyway.

You have a complex decision and need to make the one that works for you as you will live with whichever decision you make.

Good luck

I know what I'd have done if I'd found myself unexpectedly pregnant at 40 with children the ages your are but that's not relevant here because I'm not you.

I'm more concerned with the fact you feel redundant now your children are growing.

Mine are 24 and 17 and they almost needed.more now they're older - support through GCSEs, A levels, university, navigating friendships and relationships. They don't stop needing you when they leave home and your relationship changes but now you've got these adult/nearly adult people around you who you know better than anyone and you can really begin to enjoy spending time with as adults.

It's also a time for you. For your career, friendships, hobbies - to regain a bit of the life you gave up for your children. We sacrifice so much for our children.

Having another baby isn't necessarily the answer to the feelings you're experiencing. What do you want you life to look like? (Because, tbh, I wouldn't want to go back to Peppa Pig, Jolly Phonics, spending time with other people I had nothing in common with other than children of the same age, carrying a thousand bags and bits and pieces everytime i left the house. It was fine in my 20s/30s but i want more for myself and my family than that now tbh...)

I'd be thinking about my relationship. Do we as a couple want to start again (ypu know the answer to this one)? Is the relationship one I'd want to bring another baby into? You might he OK if you did it alone. Do you want to though? What about your existing children? Are they happy? Would they want their lives upended by a new baby? Would they want the family to breakdown because of a new baby?

Do you want another baby? If someone had given you the options before you knew you were pregnant, want would your gut have been telling you then?

I think it's harder when you've had fertility treatment for a child to then find yourself pregnant with a baby you hadn't planned for. I suspect the emotions involved are very different - maybe you feel obligated to the child who was conceived naturally after going through so much to have a much wanted one in the past?

I think women can react quite strongly to men who suggest a termination. It feels such a flippant response. And something that isn't their decision to make or something that is going to happen to them. It can feel like an affront. It can cause us to jump to the defence of an embryo we're not even sure ourselves that we want to be carrying.

It's a difficult decision and one that I don't envy. I'm obviously not suggesting you should answer those questions here but those are the thoughts and questions that immediately enter my head when I put myself in your shoes.

I hope you find peace in your decision- whatever it is x

then again how are my kids even the age they are? It’s like I’ve blinked and missed it.

God, isn't that so true.

I can remember everything and nothing about the last 24 years all at the same time. I remember the day I had my son like it happened last week. And then I went to sleep and woke up and he was an adult!

He was 7 when I had my second and I promised myself at the time that I'd appreciate every second of it more with her than I had with him.

The reality was that it was exactly the same! Another baby isn't going to be any different in that respect.

If he felt this strongly about additional children then maybe he should have taken contraception and his part to play in it more affirmatively.
Having a vasectomy is a minor operation that could have prevented this situation and anguish.
I hope you both resolve your conflicting feelings and he has a vasectomy soon.

So sorry he's not being supportive op. You should be in it together whatever. Even if you choose not to have the baby how do you move past this?

Completely agree with everything @GreyCarpet has said. All beautifully put and lots of food for thought. I could not have started again once my DCs were your age but I know people who have and have got on okay. But look at this feeling of being redundant. You absolutely are not just because your children are older - they still need you. But you should also learn to enjoy having some time back for you to do more things for you once your children are a bit older. You have a life outside being a mum and it’s good role-modelling for your children to see that also.

… once my DCs were the age yours are…