Getting over your husband leaving you for another woman

[Singleaftermarriage]

My stbxh left me 3 months ago for a younger woman. She has no children. He has admitted he has basically moved in there though he doesn't take the children there.

It has left me devastated. He wasn't the greatest husband - lazy and immature- but I loved our family unit. I'm having some counselling but the more details that come out about how infatuated he is by her and how fun she is, the worse I feel. I'm not an old 44 year old. I'm pretty fun when I'm not being destroyed by my ex, but my self esteem is taking an absolute kicking and the humiliation is killing me. Any tips or ways to get through this hell without being completely broken???

Just to add, I have very little time for me as children won't stay overnight with him

hun I would be completely thrilled that the world has taken this man out of your life and made him someone else’s lesson to learn. Let it hurt, let yourself shed every tear you have left not because he left but because you deserve to heal. Everything is for a reason and in months/ years to come you will see what you wasn’t seeing and realise you haven’t lost much. Love yourself, find yourself again and love them children enough for the both of you. Remember you wasn’t the problem and you can’t be held responsible and a prisoner to someone else’s actions

Totally agree with PP. you are better off without him. Make sure he is paying what he should for you and the children. Remember the problem is with him and not you and it won’t be long before the OW realised he is immature and lazy. Be kind to yourself and good luck. X

Honestly this whole shit show has nothing to do with you. When people break up they clear it up then make space to meet someone. It sounds like he’s moved on and given priority to his Willy over his own kids. He’s dumber than dumb and once kids realise the full story I doubt they will find any respect for such a loser. Give yourself a huge pay in the back gig not bring a wanker, which is what he is. Loser dude, total loser in every sense. Yet you are not. Console yourself that God’s given you enough wits and that you are not the one opting out of the family. Be honest with yr kids without being disparaging and I would not hurry with giving him kids for sleepovers, who knows what the OWs like and I can guarantee she’s not in it for yr kids. Good luck. Wishing you so much strength.

I remember feeling like the shit on his shoe. It was horrible. But that was 20+ years ago and for a long time I've felt lucky to be rid. I worked hard to keep his relationship with our DD as healthy as possible but it was a very grim year or so.
But you WILL look back with relief, I promise.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this ... I know what your feeling and it's the worse feeling ever , but you have to go through it to get to the other side . You are grieving the man and the marriage you thought you had and there is no easy way around those feelings but it does get better and in time you will realise that your way too good for him ... I was devastated when I caught my husband in a long term affair and I tried my best to forgive him and some days I really thought we were getting places but deep down I just couldn't trust him and then I caught him again with a different woman so I knew then there was no going back . It's not the life you wanted . I'm sure like me you wanted your family unit but unfortunately these are the cards we've been given and we both have to try and build a new life .Like the old saying "time is a great healer ".please look after yourself and try and meet up with friends and eat well and exercise as I really didn't look after myself and my mental health really took a nosedive but now I'm back getting out meeting friend ,eating well and exercising.. Remember you have gotten a terrible shock and that is a trama to your system so you need to be very kind to yourself. I wish you the best xx

This happened to me 18 months ago, after 16 years and 1DS together. You will get through this, I promise. I remember people saying this to me and just not believing it, but it's so true. He's ruined his life and now it's time to find yourself again! Keep pushing through, and one day you will just feel lighter and realise that you have gained so much more than you feel you have lost right now! Sending love xx

Was it a mutual decision? @Singleaftermarriage

I had to ask him to leave in the end after being constantly told he didn't love me anymore. It then took 3 weeks to find out he was having an affair with the person I had found texts about in the summer.

Oh you don’t want a shit that tells you they don’t love you. Nothing to mourn here. He’s a psychopath my dear. You are lucky to have recognised him for the shit he is. Bed hopping ain’t gonna cure the sludge that lives inside. He will find that he does not love OW after a few goes in bed and that what he carries inside him is a manky ranky pile of shit and that those that don’t have empathy like himself are the ones that are unlovable. Meanwhile, you’ve got a chance at life. Forget this shithead pronto.

Like others have said, you need to concentrate on yourself and keeping yourself well. I focussed on my child's welfare to my own detriment and ended up getting quite unwell after a year. You've had a shock/trauma and you need to process it. But you will be ok.
Make sure you are eating properly, meal plan, get outside. All of this will help you. How old are your children, OP? Is there any routine you could set up that would allow you to have a break - like every Weds going for a treat or to the cinema, even just a coffee with a friend without your children being around. Also stop following him on social media (if you do), seeing photos of him having a 'great' life is not good for your mental health.

I think the best way to reframe this is to be glad she has to put up with this absolute wanker now. It’s now her problem not yours. I get it’s a bash to your self esteem but the clue to how this will end can be found in the word “infatuation”. Infatuation is always temporary. It’s not love. It’s obsession and once you start living with someone and seeing them every day the gloss soon wears off. I am not saying they’ll break up this year or even soon but be comforted by the fact that any relationship based on infatuation isn’t going to go the distance. What attracts us to a person is often the very thing that we end up hating them for.

Embrace your freedom and the fact you are now free to find someone decent, who loves you for who you really are. I’d pity her- he sounds like a bellend.

For what it's worth. I think you did the right thing op He would only have ground you down more and made you feel worse. We'll do what we can to help you get past this and feel happier.

I'm 14 years on from this happening to me. It took around 3 months to stop crying and wallowing in what I thought I'd lost and the rejection. But in that three months I filed for divorce (he was asking why the rush ffs- he had another woman, and she was pregnant.) I was divorced by the six month mark.

What I learned about recovery: Be angry, but do it in private and don't act on it. (People- friends, family, don't like anger being expressed and want you to be over it in days). Do what you need to do to feel better as long as it's legal. Burn the bedding, buy new, change the house, make it yours not "ours", make a playlist of music that lifts you up (mine included Lively Up Yourself, I had to dance when I heard it, dancing feels good), do some exercise, it was swimming for me. Own your life without him.

It takes as long as it takes to get better, don't be surprised if family and friends expect it to be ok faster (much faster) than you.

Get a haircut, buy some new clothes- wash that man right out of your hair.

See your friends (not ones who are friends of his). Go no, or low contact and be grey rock when you see him. Cool, polite but no emotion. Keep a list of all the tosser, twatty things he did that used to embarrass or annoy you and revisit it when you find yourself drifting into thinking about what you've lost.

Keep your chin up, take some time off work to recover if you can. You will emerge as a stronger woman.

Sending love. Hugs (v unmumsnetty) and strength. You can do this! X

Another one it happened to. Best thing he ever did. The two of them deserve each other. The fun will soon wear off trust me lovely.

I always feel that the OW in these situations must spend a lot of time subconsciously being on their guard because if he can do this to you- he can do it to them too. Still what goes around comes around.

You will get past this lovely although it doesn't feel like it- time is the big healer .

First, stop listening to anything he wants to tell you about his life now. You do not have to listen to him.
Tell him what he is doing regarding the children . Pick them up at x o’clock, bring them back at y o’clock. Feed them lunch and tea.
Handovers, make them breezy, as if you’re too busy to speak to him but just pleased to have the children back.

I'm so sorry his has happened to you. It happened to me 11 years ago. It will get better but do prepare for a few more rocky weeks.

As well as the good advice you've received above one thing that did help me was making two lists.

One had all the things about him that were just rubbish - he's selfish, he's inconsiderate etc etc and then make another list about the good things you can do now he's out of your life such as having the bed to yourself, making the decisions without compromising etc.

You could also make a bucket list so you have things to look forward to.

I always feel that the OW in these situations must spend a lot of time subconsciously being on their guard because if he can do this to you- he can do it to them too.

Actually I don’t think this is true. OW is probably pleased with herself in that SHE got him, SHE is that bit more special than his wife. He chose HER despite having kids with YOU. It’s a massive ego trip for her. Meanwhile look what kind of a man she’s got. She’d better prepare to share her weekends with da kids. No more romantic plans of any kind. No kid wants a stepmummy whilst they have their very own gorgeous and super mummy that is you, so they’ll play up and give her hell. He’ll pacify them by giving in with lots of concessions which will piss her off. She’ll tell him it’s not ok, he’ll tell her to f*ck off. Sweetness and light. Believe me you are well rid and and grace of smugness will wear off.

Blimey, before long he is going to be treating this younger much more fun OW the same as he did you. Be glad he is no longer your worry and she has taken him off your hands. He will stray again, on her as well. It has zero to do with you and everything to do with STBXH.

@Sittwritt ha- indeed that's true too- in most cases (not all) they are not any more special- just 'fresh and new'

As the French say, "When a man marries his mistress, he creates a vacancy".
(I know it hasn't gone as far as remarrying, but you get the drift.)
At the back of her mind, she will always know that he has a roving eye, and if he cheats with you, he can cheat on you. How long can she sustain "younger, fresher, more exciting" when the thrill of being illicit fades in the broad light of day?

@twoshedsjackson well said!

My advice is not to get a haircut. Your decision making capacity is not at its best right now and hair takes a long time to grow back.

Watch Ted Lasso on Apple TV. Not only is it a brilliant comfort watch, the female lead character has divorced her husband after he cheated with a younger woman.

I would join the runaway husbands community on Facebook, and read the book by Vikki Stark. There are 11000 of us on that group.

Also read How to mend a broken Heart by Rosie Green (was my bible)

And visit www.FirstWivesClub.co.uk and send a message, they are lovely and have given me some great support and advice X