Advice on possible emotional abuse

[sunnyrunner]

I got divorced (amicably) after a 12 year marriage and began dating last year. I met my now partner (we’re both women) just over a year ago. She was very full on to start & told me she loved me right away. I thought it was quick but it was very different to the lifeless marriage I’d left so I went along with things.

There was an issue here & there, based on her insecurities where she wouldn’t want to go out with my friends, she would even go cold if I looked through a magazine that a female model was in.
I reassured her & carried on.

After only 8 months she asked me to marry her, I was really shocked. I’d just got divorced! She had even rang my mum & asked for my hand in marriage which was a bit strange.

And since then she has changed. On more than one occasion she has erupted & been nasty to me, she has made comments on my finances, she has ruined numerous lovely days by things like feeling insecure by two women sat on the table next to us (which I wasn’t looking at by the way), she won’t let me know about making plans which means I have to sit and wait, almost missing out on things. She interrogated me on the smallest things to the point I don’t know what it is I’m supposed to say.
There are so many things I could tell you. When I’ve confronted her she will point blank lie and say she didn’t say something when she did.

if she can’t get her own way after her eruptions she blames me & she’s the victim, if that doesnt work she threatens to kill herself and when that doesn’t work I get very long messages, one after another, for days, telling me how sorry she is & how she will never do it again and please just let her prove it to me.

During these times I feel physically sick, anxious, confused. I can’t sleep & it just turns my days upside down. It’s really horrible. She will also bombard me with messages when she knows I’m spending the day with my child or with family, friends etc.

She only has 2 friends that she doesn’t really see and doesn’t seem to be close with her family.
I’ve never questioned her or lied to her about anything but she goes on like I’m deceiving her in some way.

I’ve reached a point now where I just don’t think I can do this anymore. I want to believe she could change (shes just started therapy after I advised her she should get some help) but I’m a qualified professional working in mental health and I know that change can take a long time, if it can happen, and sometimes with these kinds of emotional insecurities change can’t happen.

I feel like I’m going mad! She will never talk about the things she’s done wrong or even a knowledge them. She doesn’t recognise or talk to me about my feelings.
Am I right in thinking this is completely wrong? I’ve never been in a relationship with someone who says they love me but makes me feel horrible

Sorry to hear you’re going through this 💐

It does sound controlling and abusive. A relationship should be a source of support and something that adds value to your life.

Don't waste any more time on this relationship.

It doesn’t sound like the healthiest relationship, you need to put yourself first, it isn’t your job to fix your partner, and it could be that she would benefit from some time alone to work on her issues.

You wouldn't be posting here if you thought this was normal behaviour. You may have become used to being treated badly, but it's taking its toll on you. These types of people wear you out until you don't know which way is up anymore. It's literally soul destroying.

You're right that it won't change. It will only get worse as you keep giving her chance after chance.

I strongly suggest in a situation like this that you make all your arrangements to leave, end things by message, and then immediately block on all possible channels. This is to stop her from manipulating you into getting back together.

You may well miss her, but don't let that hold you back. That feeling will pass. The peace of mind you're set to gain is worth it.

Whether it's normal or not, if it's not making you happy then you can leave anytime you like , you don't need a good enough reason other than you want to x

This isn’t possible abuse, it’s definite abuse. You deserve better than a relationship where every move is questioned. Seems as tho your partner is gaslighting you also. Feeling as tho you’re going crazy is fairly (not always I’ll add here) typical of an abusive relationship.
Get up and go!

Thank you for all your replies. I messaged and said for me the relationship was over and that I couldn’t do it anymore. I just got several messages back begging me to stay and let her prove she’s changing, asking me to go away for my birthday with her (something she planned a while back, but it’s not my fault she’s messed this up). My head is mashed, I wish I could fast forward through the hurt & anger and just feel strong again.

she has continued to message me today like I’ve never said anything

Repeat that the relationship is over and for she not to contact you further as there is nothing to discuss. If she persists do not hesitate to call the police re her harassment.

Part of the cycle of abuse is that often the abuser feels frantic at loss, as part of their controlling behavirou is to keep you close (albeit in a very unehalthy way). When they realize they are dirving you away instead they apologize and say it willl be different and they will change. But one doesn't just change overnight. If she did a year of therapy - then saying she has changed might be valid (not that you should get back with her).

If you go back, the same patterns of abuse will repeat.

Block for this evening, give yourself some headspace. You aren’t obliged to be in a relationship with anyone, and you can end a relationship for any reason you choose.

That does sound like coercive control along with emotional abuse.
Its hard to break up but even harder to stay and live with this indefinitely if you were to marry. It will leave you isolated were you will end up walking on egg sheals, and always looking to find out if you are in the wrong, what version of your partner you are likely to have each day, as abuse always escalates. Do you really think she is likely to change, or do you think she is just happy to condition you into the person most comfortable for her?

You've done the right thing, OP.

"I've never been in a relationship with someone who says they love me but who makes me feel horrible."

This last sentence in your first post sums it up. I wish I'd been able to articulate things to myself with such clarity fairly early on, when I was in an emotionally abusive relationship, instead of allowing it to continue.

And the "Most toxic relationship" award of the year goes to ... the OP!!

Congrats.

On a serious note... you need to run to the hills and leave this toxic woman before your mental health goes down the drain for good. Think of all the money you're going to have to spend in therapy that could be put to much better use.

This.

And OP you have a child.

You have a duty of care to them.

To bring an abusive, toxic controller (which she absolutely is) into their orbit is to expose them to abuse.

You cannot do this.

You cannot put your child first while in a relationship with such a person.

You need to choose who you put first - your child or this woman.

You need to stick to your guns. She won’t change and if you go back the cycle will repeat. I’m sorry op.

If you let her back in, she will continue to control and abuse.
You have done the right thing! Good for you. You can relax now and do what you like when you like with no Qs asked.
I just wouldn’t text back or else I’d block completely, block on email, social media… everything !

Well done OP, the fact that she's continued to text you after you told her the relationship was over, as though this hadn't even happened should be the absolute proof you need that you did the right thing.

Feeling like you're "going mad" is a really good sign that something is really wrong. You can end it at any time, for any reason you like, and it looks like you have plenty.

She’s a narc, in the truest sense:

1. insecurity
2. jelaousy
3. control
4. love bombing
5. nasty temper
6. silent treatment
7. volatile ups and downs
8. promises of change (that’s impossible)
9. ignoring yr feelings declaration of break up
10. pushing on with her own agenda

Seek support in going zero contact. It’s the only way.

Yes I know. My child always comes first, I am very aware of what’s happening and I have always challenged her, I’ve never just laid down and taken it.
We don’t live together, even though she has wanted us to sell our houses & move in together, I’ve always been wary because of my child and keeping him safe, especially as things got worse over time.
We have only been together a year and I have kept my child separate so that their emotions are not invested in the event of a break up.

Ive seen friends who have involved their children a lot and then they have had to endure the break up to when it’s happened.

Good Morning @sunnyrunner and today is the start of better things - I have recently divorced someone who did/does exactly as this woman is doing, and life is much happier. It’s not easy to do, and their beseeching and promises of change are tempting, but you deserve so much more than this.

She liked you answering back because she saw that as a further challenge to take you down.

No contact with her is your way forward. The door of communication should be shut firmly. Block all her means of being able to contact you. If she continues go to the police.

I would suggest you enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme as this is for those who have been in abusive relationships.

The kindest thing to do for her and yourself is to block her. She'll keep trying different things to get to you, which will upset both of you. The sooner she works out that it's over, the sooner you can both move on.

I'm not long from blocking someone like this myself. I didn't at first but I wish I had because I was getting pleading/insulting messages. The last few days have been much more relaxing without the attempts to manipulate me.

There was nothing to say anyway. I'd stated my case several times during the relationship but the abuse would continue anyway. You can't fix these people and it isn't your responsibility to try.

Hope you're looking after yourself.

This.

Also @monsteramunch is correct.

You have a child and this woman is dangerously toxic to your child's future.

Block her and do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

This has gone on far far too long.

Any threats of self harm or suicide, do NOT respond but ring 101 and ask for a welfare check to be done, as you have ended an abusive relationship and she is threatening self harm.

The police are well used to abusive people threatening self harm.