OLD and any immediate red flags?

[littlehoops]

I'm OLD and had a few chats with a man who sounds (on paper!) like he's really lovely. However he works in Internet/web development and doesn't have any form of social media. Says he's not interested in any of it. Like it or loathe it, social media can be the way we build up a picture of a person, so would you consider that a bit of a concern/red flag for someone in their mid/late 30s?

Similarly do you have any other instant 'no/red flags' that put you off? The only major one for me is someone who is separated (rather than divorced). I'd rather know that the ink is dry on the paperwork and that any assets/legal arrangements are all securely sorted before exploring a new relationship.

Yeah the ‘no social media’ is a red flag for me, I mean who doesn’t have at least one form of social media nowadays. He could be genuine of course but I’d be getting the ‘Im married but don’t want to be found out’ vibes from that.

Equally someone who wants to be friends on Facebook very early on is also a red flag too.

Also profiles where they haven’t taken the time to fill it out properly and only give basic information like their height, location, eye and hair colour etc. It screams to me like they’re not serious and looking for hookups. Whereas someone who’s taken their time to write a few sentences in their bio are more likely to be looking for a genuine relationship.

Another one is those who write “just ask” or or “message me to ask for more info” on their profiles. I mean… why? Again, another none serious person being lazy and on dating apps just to waste people’s time.

Those men that lie about their age on their profile and when you scroll down to their bio they’ve written “I’m not 45 I’m 50”.

Someone who is cagey and doesn’t give much information about themselves

Someone who wants to exchange numbers either straight away or very early into the chatting stage - they often either want a quick hookup or turn into psycho’s once they get your number.

Ones who claim their exes are crazy - it’s usually them who’s crazy, not their ex and I’m sure their ex would tell you a different story.

Those who don’t have shared custody of their kids (unless their reason seems genuine) usually it’s because it’s been through court and a judge has decided that the children are safer with mum and their dad only being given limited contact.

Or those who don’t see their kids because apparently their ‘crazy ex’ stopped them from doing so (they usually haven’t, it’s usually a court who stopped them seeing their kids for very good reasons)or because their crazy ex moved their child miles away (I’ve had a lot of men claiming this). Usually it’s because the ex ended up in a refuge to escape him where they send mother and child miles away so that their ex cannot track them down.

There are many more but that’s all I can think of for now.

Not having social media isn’t a red flag - I was very sceptical when DP claimed he wasn’t on social media when we starting dating 2 years ago but he does loathe it in all its forms and has never used it in the time I’ve known him so ☑️

Lying about not being on social media on the other hand would be a massive red flag. Unfortunately you can’t really verify which it is until you get to know him better. Same goes for verifying if he’s separated or divorced - if he’s rubbish at paperwork, you might also find conflicting evidence (e.g. DP’s ex was still appearing on the electoral roll at his address 5 years after she’d moved out 🙄)

Many people I know don’t do social media, it’s not compulsory 🙄

Nobody is saying it is but I’ve dabbed in and out of OLD for years and found that ALL men who have pulled the ‘no social media’ card often DO have social media and are very much married.

'No drama', 'just ask'. Totally charmless.

Lying about age and pretending it is a glitch. We get it. You're, say, 51 or 41 thus just the other side of a lot of women's age cutoff and want to open your options. Why lie?

Wanting to spend ages on the phone before meeting and calling randomly (not that I would answer).

Too much in profile about what they don't want. Tell us what you do want instead. It made them sound such a drag and quite aggressive.

OLD is social media.

Agree about the phone call. Almost every man I’ve chatted to and exchanged numbers with want to talk on the phone before meeting to apparently ‘hear my voice’. I mean, why? Who’s going to want to answer the phone to a complete stranger to talk about stuff you should be talking about on your first date.

Oh and another one - those who claim you look ‘sad’ in your picture or that your ‘pictures look like you have a story to tell’! They are generally the narcissists and abusers trying to get a feel of your vulnerability and get information out of you about your life as possible and learn about your insecurities so they can use it later on to throw back in your face and hurt you.

They ones who send you a message saying ‘hey babe’ or ‘hey sexy’ - they’re the players!

I've been OLD for years and think it's definitely a lie. But then I think that about the vast majority of stuff guys say to me on dating apps ;)

Just thought of another. Those who seem to have had extremely short relationships in proportion to their age. Like a man over 40 whose longest relationship was less than 5 years. Had one man contact me the other week who is 54 but his longest relationship he’d ever had was 3 years. Said he’d never been married or had kids because he’d never found the right one! I think if you haven’t found the ‘right one’ by 54 then it’s not the people who he’s been dating who are an issue! Just seems to me they’re either a player or a commitaphobe.

@Mumofnarnia

But on the other hand, many people "settle" women and men, in order to get married and proceed to have children with unsuitable partners because they "couldn't wait for the right one" (whatever that means) and didn't want to miss out on these "milestones".

Not necessarily. My DP does have an IG account which he shared a few weeks into dating. It's hobby related (same as mine really) and would not have told me anything about him apart from that he's very talented in a particular area of common interest. He has no other social media. I did find him on LinkedIn and could at least verify that he was telling the truth about where he works and what he does. He also works in tech, so it's not unusual. He gave me no reason to doubt anything he told me though at any point. And almost a year in and there's absolutely 0 Red flags anywhere.

When OLD I used to hate the "why match and don't message?" Comments on profiles. It's a two way street (unless you're on bumble). 🤷🏻‍♀️ DP was actually the only one that I matched with who started the conversation first. Everyone else I had to make the first move. 😒 it felt lazy on their part.

Yes that’s another one but I wouldn’t necessarily call it a red flag as such, just some people are so eager to do the whole getting married and having kids thing because their friends are all doing the same and they feel left out or their biological clock is ticking. I probably wouldn’t hold that against someone on OLD though as they would have been much younger at the time and are likely to have realised their mistakes

The only bit of social media that's a red flag for me is an over reliance on it. I don't use it personally so to have a social media addict for a partner would be the opposite personality type to what I'm looking for.

Red flags for me in OLD are over 40s looking to start having babies.
The "angry man" - "why match and not message"
The "low effort man" - doesn't put any effort into his photos or profile
The "wants to get off app asap man" no, just no.
The "over share from day one man" makes me uncomfortable and feels love Bomby

I don’t use social media but I can found online via non social media sites eg professional. For someone to have zero internet footprint would put me off as there is no way of verifying who they are. I have always been able to verify who dates are by searching online (LinkedIn, Companies House, etc).

Another red flag is someone unwilling to commit to meeting - some are content having a message buddy.

I'd see it as an achievement to have zero digital footprint personally. But I'm of the age where we used to have to use landline to talk to each other and if we said we'd meet someone somewhere we just had to turn up and hope they did too!

For people in the age range between 20s-40s, I think it's unusual to not have any SM, but obviously it's not compulsory. And if they've managed to avoid it, fair play to them!

I should clarify that it wouldn't bother me at all if they didn't have social media, it's more that I'd be concerned they were lying and had a wife/second life tucked away somewhere.

For me it’s not so much a worry that they don’t have social media, it’s more when they say they don’t have it when they actually do. Because they tend not to want to be traced in case either you find out about their 2nd life or you end up contacting their wife etc. I have found though that all these men who claim they don’t do social media (who have all been above 40 btw) that they actually do have social media plus pictures on there of his wife and kids.

Really? My only social media is FB, but it's set to private and settings are either 'only me' or 'friends'. I'm not on Insta or Pinterest or twitter or anything else.
My late husband had no social media presence at all other than through his profesional affiliations (if you googled him articles about him would come up in relation to his career as he was quite high profile in his field ). So this wouldn't bother me at all.
And I did start dating him when he was separated - it gave me pause but they were getting divorced and we were married just over a year after we met.

He works in IT so I'd ask him about not having a social media presence. Is it because of his job?

"Separated"

Yes but you have already said your ‘late husband’ meaning you were already in a relationship and happy and that hopefully neither of you were on dating apps looking elsewhere.

I have never known a man on OLD who claims to have NO social media whatsoever who isn’t married or has a gf. There is a difference between setting your privacy settings to ‘private’ and only having fb as your one and only social media….to going on dating apps and telling a woman on those dating apps that you are single and have NO social media whatsoever.

I met my partner on OLD, she doesn't have any form of SM at all, only had the site I met her on as her daughters set it up for her, and now we met it's been deleted.

She is the kindest, most loving caring person I've ever met, but according to this she should have been a bunting of red flags.

I have a Facebook page which never gets used, and it's hidden due to my job, so she wouldn't have been able to find me either, so apparently she should have steered well clear of me as well.

Not having social media is not a red flag, not everyone wishes to post details of their lives online

Odd very odd

Not having any friends and being unable to drive were big red flags for me.