How to not fuck up

[Waaahbaby]

Around 18 months ago I left a shocking relationship. Was there for 20 years and put up with a ridiculous amount of abuse. I joined some online dating apps, had a few dates, all very nice but didn’t really feel ready. Now I’ve met someone, taken the huge step of sleeping with him, met quite a few times and it all feels very lovely. He’s kind, thoughtful and keen. He has no ‘baggage’ whereas I come with shit loads. I know I should just enjoy the moment but I can’t help but worry about further down the line-feel like a fraud. I’m messy, in shit loads of debt, couldn’t imagine ever living with someone again and definitely don’t want anymore children. I’m having fun, really like him but also wouldn’t crumble if he decides he wants to end it!

Sounds great! Sounds like just what you need right now. Don’t overthink it, just enjoy.

Having been in a similar situation in the past my advice would be focus on you and improving your life and be quite selfish about it. Being happy with who you are and your life means that you wont crumble because you always have got you. And with regards to him its all about getting to know who he really is and if he is truly compatible with you - not about impressing him, or being what he wants you to be. Very easy to fall into the same patterns without even realising it after abuse.

Do what you want. Then, whatever the outcome, you haven't fucked up because... well, you did what you wanted.

In what way do you think you might 'fuck up'? What's your MO?

I’m so unsure of what I want! I find it so difficult to take a compliment and find myself cringing even though it’s lovely. It’s just so different. I’m always worried I can’t give enough. My own time is precious and I’m worried I will be seen as selfish, I need to be selfish as haven’t been able to focus on myself for so long!

Kind, decent, respectful, self respecting people do things for themselves and others.

Selfish people just do things for themselves.

Doing things for yourself isn't a variable, and doesn't make you selfish. If someone makes you feel selfish, or calls you selfish, for focussing on yourself, then they're not on the same page as you, and need to be removed from your life. If you had a relationship with someone, how would you feel about them spending time on themselves, doing what they needed to do to be happy?

A relationship isn't something you try to 'do right' to meet someone else's needs. It's something where you be you, in every way, and choose someone who wants that you. You don't have to change anything, and you don't have to understand anything.