OLD support and advice!

midnightblue12 · 2023-06-03T10:59:27+00:00

Hi all. I posted this on another topic board but didn't get any replies 🙈 This seems to be a running theme if you continue reading 😅 Just venturing in the world of OLD and I need some help from you all! Currently just on bumble. Had 3 matches in a week (not sure if this is good or terrible) but none have actually responded to me! Is this normal or is it actually me? Should o try any other apps? I'm not after a ONS so I've been told to stay away from some 🙈 I'm happy with my profile as I feel it's me... but what could I be doing wrong or is this normal? Pleaaasssseeee no doom and gloom! This is a big step for me and I want to be excited ☺️

SpringleDingle · 03/06/2023 12:07

OLD is a numbers game and you need good boundaries. Some dudes are rude and unresponsive, some are walking red flags, some are great. I understand Bumble and Hinge are some of the better. I have done OLD on and off during my life. I had a lot of first dates. 20 years ago I married one from POF. 14 years later I divorced him. I’ve had 2 relationships since my divorce from Bumble, the current is ongoing. I also had plenty of crappy messages, dick pics, married dudes, angry controlling dudes, boring dudes, dudes who don’t look like their photo…. You need to move on quick from the crap ones and only spend time on those who are worth it!

MumsPett · 03/06/2023 12:11

I wouldn’t use bumble I think men use it as an ego boost as women have to do the running.

BigPussyEnergy · 03/06/2023 12:14

I’ve only been on Bumble as I heard it was one of the better ones too.

I think it attracts 3 types:

guys who see women as equals and are happy for them to make the first move

guys who are shy and don’t feel confident making the first move

guys who are lazy and want women to do all the leg work

it sounds like you may have come across a couple of the latter category!

FWIW I’ve met the most decent and respectful men on there, including one who I chatted to for a while and seemed to get on well. But then he met up with someone in real life and had the decency to come onto bumble and explain to me so he didn’t inadvertently ghost me, which I thought was really nice.

I’ve just met another really lovely guy who is painfully shy and would probably never approach a woman in the real world, but he seems absolutely lovely, so I do think theres something good about the way bumble works.

I’ve also never had dick pics, and as soon as someone gets in any way inappropriate I just delete and block.

you need a strong filter, tolerate no bullshit, speak to many, date them quickly to rule in or out, don’t become exclusive too soon as they may just be players, so keep optimistically cautious. Good luck!

BigPussyEnergy · 03/06/2023 12:16

MumsPett · 03/06/2023 12:11

I wouldn’t use bumble I think men use it as an ego boost as women have to do the running.

You don’t have to do all the running, just send the first message. So you dont have to fend off multiple “hi sexy” messages!

I have 2 friends who just send “hi, just messaging so I don’t lose the match, feel free to message me” as a kind of placeholder. Seems to work for them!

MumsPett · 03/06/2023 12:18

BigPussyEnergy · 03/06/2023 12:16

You don’t have to do all the running, just send the first message. So you dont have to fend off multiple “hi sexy” messages!

I have 2 friends who just send “hi, just messaging so I don’t lose the match, feel free to message me” as a kind of placeholder. Seems to work for them!

Show quote history

Personal preference but I wouldn’t use it. My sister who used it said the men on there just wanted to chat and had no intention of meeting. I think it attracts lazy men I wouldn’t chose the app personally.

Peachtoiletpaper · 03/06/2023 12:28

I'd try Hinge and maybe Match too. I had a lot more success on those than Bumble. Use the same profile if you're happy with it. I like the principle of women speaking first but in reality, on a decent quality site it gives men the chance to approach you too without being the free for all of Tinder or POF.

Be picky. If you only like the look and sound of a few men, only swipe those few men. Prioritise those with nice profiles who have written a bit about themselves.

You may hear differently and that is fine but personally, I've tried 'giving people a chance who aren't my type' and it's never paid off tbh. Not to be too prescriptive, but you have an idea of what kind of men you fancy and get on with so I wouldn't get too sidetracked trying to give everyone a go.

Original poster

midnightblue12 · 03/06/2023 12:28

I just don't seem to be matching with anyone to even send a message 🙈 and those 3 matches ignored me 😅

Dating is just so savage!

OP posts:

PatMu · 03/06/2023 12:39

I got my first dick pic from a Bumble match
I think it is a numbers game though and I think Hinge has the rep of having the most respectful type men who want relationships, it never worked for me because I don't live in a big city.

I also know people are put off tinder for its rep as a hookup but it's really where the numbers are (other than pof which is dating Wild West imo) . I met my partner on tinder and he was the most respectful, interested and kind person I met throughout my year or so OLD- we are together now almost two years and it's fantastic.

Best of luck and enjoy it - I tried not to get too invested in anyone until we met and even when we met keep a little bit of healthy skepticism until they prove themselves a decent sort :)

Original poster

midnightblue12 · 03/06/2023 12:50

Thank you! So a couple have mentioned tinder, I'll download and see what it is about!
I am feeling really excited about to. I'm 32 and a single mum and was in a happy marriage until my ex husband walked out during my pregnancy and gave me emotional hell. I'm in a really good place now and I'm excited to feel ready to meet someone or at least start the process of meeting someone! I've been on my own nearly 4 years now as I just never felt ready. I don't have high expectations from anything as I feel nobody will want me with being a single mum (which is ridiculous I know!), but excited to see and at least try!
It's taken along time to get to this point but I feel ready to put sometime back into myself if that makes sense.

OP posts:

PatMu · 04/06/2023 21:46

midnightblue12 · 03/06/2023 12:50

Thank you! So a couple have mentioned tinder, I'll download and see what it is about!
I am feeling really excited about to. I'm 32 and a single mum and was in a happy marriage until my ex husband walked out during my pregnancy and gave me emotional hell. I'm in a really good place now and I'm excited to feel ready to meet someone or at least start the process of meeting someone! I've been on my own nearly 4 years now as I just never felt ready. I don't have high expectations from anything as I feel nobody will want me with being a single mum (which is ridiculous I know!), but excited to see and at least try!
It's taken along time to get to this point but I feel ready to put sometime back into myself if that makes sense.

@midnightblue12 you sound like you're in a good place and well done you for moving on from the rubbish ex.

I was 46 and a year out of a 17 yr marriage with 3 kids and I had no problem getting matches and chats going so being a single mum shouldn't hold you back It took a year to find a really good one but I enjoyed the year of fun even with the not so nice ones.

Oopsiedaisyy · 04/06/2023 21:58

My advice :

don't take it seriously or get invested quickly, think of it as a way to meet new people, learn new things (i got great wine and movie recommendations for example)
go in with an abundance rather than scarcity mindset. There's lots of men out there, don't worry if one you like isn't interested
when you meet someone focus on whether you like them, not on worrying if they like you
its supposed to be fun

Original poster

midnightblue12 · 04/06/2023 22:32

Thanks so much both!

I've had a few matches on tinder but nobody seems to be replying to me.
I had a bit of a conversation with someone last night which didn't say long. Then another person replied once and not again.
I don't get it. Nobody has even messaged me first yet 🙈

I must be doing something extremely wrong!!!

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Zanatdy · 04/06/2023 22:40

I sighed up to a few and didn’t last long. I walked straight into an inappropriate conversation by saying ‘flexible though’, meaning my job but he clearly was being inappropriate! He also had the same name as a recent ex! Took him 3 messages to get someone being rude! I mean I did laugh and I’m no prude but I decided I was still hung up on recent ex and dating wasn’t the right thing right now and paused them all. I’ve got friends who met decent partners on OLD but they said they had to kiss a few frogs first. So keep on going!

Musicaltheatremum · 04/06/2023 22:50

My daughter has just married her bumble date. I married my tinder date last year. My son is in a 3 year relationship with his tinder date from a girl he met during lockdown. They had socially distant dates then he moved her in. There are good and bad men and women on all sites.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/06/2023 23:00

You might have a profile issue.

What do you say on it? Keep things positive and focusing on what you DO want, don't say anything negative like 'no time wasters' or 'not up for one night stands' as that just gives the impression that's all you've been offered.

Do not be remotely apologetic about being a mum.

Are you pictures decent, eg outdoor, smiling, no obvious filters etc?

Also remember - men have traditionally been the pursuers of women therefore have had to learn to get used to rejection - we generally have never had to learn this. So try to move on quickly and cast your net wide at first and then be more picky etc later x

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/06/2023 23:01

Musicaltheatremum · 04/06/2023 22:50

My daughter has just married her bumble date. I married my tinder date last year. My son is in a 3 year relationship with his tinder date from a girl he met during lockdown. They had socially distant dates then he moved her in. There are good and bad men and women on all sites.

I love these success stories, congratulations to you all x

Original poster

midnightblue12 · 05/06/2023 09:01

Aww yes it is lovely to hear a happy ending, online or whatever else!

Tbh I thought my profile was quite good! I've included my interests (nothing too wordy or long) and also noted I have a 6 and 3 year old.
I've added 5 pics, nothing too posey, including friends etc, but still no conversation? 🤷🏼‍♀️

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SamW98 · 05/06/2023 19:37

OP - I have exactly the same. I get quite a few matches so my profile is obviously ok but very few replies.

I try to make my messages non generic and usually refer to something in their profile as an opener but I get very little back.

Ive had a few phone chats which always seem to go pretty well but then I get ghosted.

It’s hard not to take it personally but I get exactly the same feedback from friends.

I don’t take it too seriously anymore. I’d much rather meet someone out and about but that doesn’t seem to happen either.

Original poster

midnightblue12 · 05/06/2023 20:43

@SamW98 oh no I'm sorry to hear that, but also glad to hear I'm not alone! It's getting a bit disheartening to be honest!
Male profiles in my area seem to be one of three things -

Looking for someone to travel the world with
Need a plus one for America
Empty

It's bloody hard work already 🙈

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Blushingm · 05/06/2023 22:26

I met someone from Tinder - we've been together over a year now.

I have to admit I hated OLD, I think I had 5 1st dates in 3 years as I'd get so nervous